I feel like my husband does things to deliberately annoy and hurt me. He knowingly gives me the wrong travel dates whenever he has to travel out of town for work, forms relationships with people whom I consider my enemies, and basically does the opposite of what I ask of him. What should I do?
When a marriage partner deliberately does things to annoy the other, it can be challenging and emotionally draining. There must be some underlying issues that should be addressed. Instead of bringing them to the table, he opts to act like this, which is wrong. You must be wise and courageous to address this. Deliberate acts and silent suffering can't resolve anything unless both of you work together to resolve the situation. Talk to your partner about how his actions are affecting you. Categorically use "I" statements to express your feelings without blaming or accusing him. Identify and reflect on deeper issues or unmet needs that are causing your husband to behave this way. Is it a lack of attention, are you disrespectful, do you meet his conjugal rights, does he feel unheard, or something else?
Clearly communicate what behaviors are and aren't acceptable to you. Make sure you are specific and direct. If the behaviour continues and creates a toxic environment, it may be necessary to reassess the relationship and prioritise your own well-being. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you relax. Be patient, and don't be afraid to seek help when needed. A therapist can help you both communicate more effectively and work through resolving the underlying issues.
D Mutunga
From the school of life
As a Christian I would advise you to first pray for your husband. Afterward, talk with him and seek to know why he behaves that way. You can then deliberate on a solution. Perhaps you too hurt him unknowingly. Find out if, in any way, you do unpleasant things to him and change. If that does not work, seek the help of a trusted family member.
Philip Katanya
Living with a partner who seems to deliberately hurt or provoke you can feel exhausting and lonely. However, sometimes what feels like “deliberate” sabotage may also be a reflection of deeper, unspoken frustrations, poor communication, or unresolved conflicts in the marriage. My advice would be to have an honest, calm conversation with your husband about how his actions affect you emotionally. Instead of accusing him, try to use “I” statements like, “I feel disrespected when you give me wrong travel dates.” This makes him less defensive and opens up room for dialogue.
If he continues dismissing your concerns or escalating the behavior, then you might want to involve a neutral third party, such as a marriage counselor, pastor, or a trusted elder. Counseling can help uncover whether the behaviour is rooted in resentment, immaturity, or lack of respect. If the behaviour is intentional and persistent despite your efforts, you will need to make tough decisions about what you can or cannot tolerate in the marriage. Peace of mind and self-respect are essential.
Kimutai Rotich
FROM THE EXPERT
You should ask him if he deliberately does things to annoy and hurt you, and if so, why. Every story, especially in your context, has two sides. Let’s assume he does. You need to ask yourself if he does it because he feels telling you the truth will add no value and will most likely put him at loggerheads with you. When humans feel trapped or too policed in their social arena, there is a high probability that they will safeguard their needs and desires by being deceptive. I do not endorse grown-ups policing each other. Don’t put your partner in a position where they only have relationships with people you approve of. When in that position, people will conform to their partner’s wishes, but at the detriment of their bond. It often creates a rift that can ultimately weaken their relationship. In this case, marriage. The two of you need to have a candid conversation to establish the true status of your bond without pointing fingers or attempting to control each other. When your husband tells you the truth about how he feels, you will have a clearer picture of your relationship status. Lay all cards on the table.
Maurice Matheka is a relationship expert
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