Heart Advice: My ex-boyfriend wants me to be his second wife, I fear judgement

I had a boyfriend whom we dated for three years but along the way, he cheated on me. The woman got pregnant and he was forced to marry her by her parents. My boyfriend was apologetic about it and claimed it was a mistake but we still broke up. It has been two years since we broke up but he still calls me every now and then to check up on me. I have tried being in other relationships but none of them work since I still love the guy. He also claims he loves me and is unhappy in his marriage. He has all the qualities I want in a man, so I find it difficult to let go. I don't know what to do since he also insists he loves me and would want me to be his second wife, but I am afraid of judgment from other people of me being a second wife. MJ

READER’S ADVICE

If you are interested in being the second wife, then you can give him a second chance and marry him, people's judgment won't affect you in any way unless you are a minor. If you aren't interested in a polygamous marriage, then relax, with time you'll heal and get an ideal man.

Ignatius Harambe, Machakos University 

Love is a strange thing, it is mysterious and if not handled with a lot of care it can lead you into trouble. What is binding you and your former lover together is soul ties. It is normal, especially if it was your first love. However, listen to your inner self. We don't do things due to external pressure. This is your life. Weigh the consequences before making a decision lest you regret it for the rest of your life.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

Thank you for admitting you still love him. We tend to walk away from relationships when cheated once which is wrong. We are all human beings and are prone to making mistakes. Appreciate the fact he is open to you and that some love still exists. Share with him your feelings towards him.

Talk to him about your expectations. He loves you and will definitely welcome you back. Do not be quick at making decisions and learn the art of forgiveness. Forgive him. Letting go will not be a cure because he is etched in your mind. Remember better the devil you know than the angel you do not know. 

Wilberforce Kuvai

You have a fixation with this man hence encouraging his many overtures and believing his flimsy lies. There is no happy future for you in this relationship while he is getting the best of two loves. Cut him off your life completely and be assured somebody better will pop up in your love life. 

Drive counseling Centre, Kitengela 

Before you get back to your lover, there are two things you need to consider. One, has he told his wife? If the wife is not aware conflict could arise leading to more emotional damage. Two, what confidence do you have that the man will not cheat again? One thing I am sure if you give him a chance he will marry you instantly. This man has his flaws and if ready to overlook them you can give him a chance. Being a second wife is not a sin. There are many happy women who are married as second wives. Do not mind society at all.

Mercy Dennis

Your only concern about him should be how to genuinely contribute positively to his current marriage. Otherwise, it’s scarcely your business what kind of relationship he has with his wife. Soon they’ll get a second child and it would be very selfish of you (and irresponsible of him) to expect him to leave his young family for you, your mutual feelings notwithstanding.

The least you should do is to forgive him for breaking your heart. You need to accept that he’s now a married man with a family to look after, just as you'd expect other women to respect your marriage. Refuse to be dragged into his claims that he’s not happy in his marriage unless you double as a marriage counselor. 

Groom yourself, grab a cup of coffee, get out of the house and enjoy the sunshine. Free your mind, heart, and soul. You’ll realise there is life after a breakup. True, he might have ‘all’ the qualities you look for in a man, but he’s taken and you can only ask God to send another or a better man. There is no shortage.

Gabiontah

Your ex-boyfriend loved you for three years only to cheat and label it a mistake. It might be true that the two of you still love each other and you would like to end up getting married but you have to understand there is a third person who is his current wife. For you to navigate through this predicament you need to have a talk with him and get to understand how he is planning to handle the two of you if he decides to marry you as his second. And whatever decision you make, remember not to put too much into what other people are going to say. It is a personal decision that is only going to bear fruit for you and your husband. 

Juma Felix

EXPERT’S TAKE

The reality is that human is to error. We make mistakes or take risks based on social thrills and we face the consequences. However, those errors should not and do not define us. If anything we learn from them and we more on. You cannot allow your thoughts of societal judgment to keep you from a man who makes you happy. There is no perfection. You need to work out a formula that drives your energies together. Social status is extremely overrated. Whether you are a first or second wife what matters is that you are positively content with your partner. You have already proved to yourself that others are not for you so my advice is that you bite the bullet and explore with your ex. Better to try and fail than to live life regretting that you did not give it a chance. Unless you embark on this journey you will never know what could have been. 

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

Hello, I am born again man. I made the error and found myself cohabiting with an unborn-again person, a non-believer, and it was so rocky until 2016 when we divorced. I have three grown kids, but it's been very difficult to remarry. I am almost 50 and I still ardently serve God in church. I've spent a lot of time and money trying to build relationships, but I have not gotten a woman worthy of being a wife, either in or out of the church. What should I do?

I’m genuinely a believer and have very genuine intentions, but can't find a woman who is equally genuine, and has "desirable" attributes or "qualities". The one person I met and we have been in communication in church for nearly two years is "nusu nusu" both in her seriousness and even in looks/ qualities.

My dilemma now is everyone in my family is a graduate and have all married salaried graduates, and I feel I should have also found someone with those attributes. I am a postgraduate holder, and it would work better when you have someone with "matching", or at least closer qualities- the academic and financial gap between the two of us should not be too big. Otherwise, it's human for one to feel misused.

But I can't find someone with such qualities and who has God's grace, a very gracious woman with whom we can together bring up children with no issues. I've even prayed about it, for very long. What do you advise? Can one get such a Godly partner through, or from, this forum? Or do you know of such a person with such a desire to connect us? My heart desires a partner who is educated to graduate level, is employed or awaiting a job and is mature - of any age- from the 20s onwards, and is a genuine, serious believer- a pastor would even be a plus, and preferably with no kids (some may say that's being selfish)- but the reason is I have children, and she'll also want to have some with me. She should be of average weight and size.

[email protected]

Have a pressing relationship dilemma or want to give advice? Email us at [email protected]