Help! I’m disinterested in a woman after making out

Hi, I’m Kane. I am a 33-year-old single man from Nairobi. I’m an engineer. My issue is that I have tried dating several times but I find it's not my thing at all. 

I feel I need to settle down, it's also my wish to but after getting a woman, and making out, that's it! I’m no longer interested in her at all. Even if I meet a nice cute looking woman, I am disinterested after making out. Funny enough, no woman has ever said No to my advances. 

What could be wrong? What is my problem? I can't understand myself when it comes to this. 

READER’S ADVICE

You seem to be a good-looking, suave, smooth talker with a string of broken hearts behind you. You are the man mothers warn their daughters about. Your guilt is now catching up with you. The best option is to have a mindset change and look at women not necessarily as mere objects of sexual pleasure. Identify a good woman and strive to develop a platonic relationship with them and after six or so months you will have weaned yourself out of this habit. Good luck.

Drive relationship counsellors

You need to have a better understanding of establishing a relationship with a woman. Evaluate yourself properly and get to understand the need for you to have a long-time partner. The issue of getting bored and moving from one woman to the next might be a result of you thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. The type of woman you look for has to be a true reflection of what your character aligns with. 

Juma Felix 

Getting a partner to settle down with calls for a lot of patience, observation, tolerance and accommodation of each other's differences. Take time to know each other using your own marking scheme. Making out should be the last step after passing through the other stages. Putting it in the early stages makes dating casual as it only satisfies the immediate desires and that's not love. You are only being lustful and infatuated hence the disappearance of the feelings after the act. None of them has turned down your advances, but it's not the yardstick to judge others who'll come your way. Have an open mind. My take: You have no problem, just start by building a relationship where you get to meet regularly, visit friends and family together, discuss your fears and aspirations, attend social gatherings together, chat and call often. For a relationship to develop into a marriage, there must be several pillars to support it. Sex is important but it should come after the other pillars.

W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri

First, you need to listen to yourself and establish exactly what you want. From then you will work towards it. Looking for the right soulmate as a wife isn't about looks, it's all about quality character and good grooming, respect, wisdom, intelligence and above all God-fearing. Be a responsible person who is willing to invest in a long-term relationship that leads to a family.

Fred Lastborn Jausenge

EXPERT’S TAKE

The answer may be as simple as asking yourself whether your main issue is that you are going against your own nature in order to acquire a status that is more of a societal expectation as opposed to being a human need. Settling down is a conveyor belt that humans follow based on an ideology of a family. Your need for female companionship should not result in you marrying a woman because it is expected of you. I would highly recommend that you stop pressuring yourself to be in a relationship. If it does happen. It should be organic and not driven by traditions of you must marry. Marriage becomes overrated and a source of constant misery if you rush into it without first acquiring a partnership that is glued to a solid friendship. Then again, marriage is not for everyone. The conventional relationship may not be for you so go with the flow of what makes you happy and not what you believe is expected of you. Listen to yourself and not to external pressures. 

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I met him in 2012, by this time he didn't have a job. I was already working and I provided rent, food and all. Even his pocket money! 

 In our conversation, he mentioned that if he got good capital he would start a business. He had a great vision. He desired to start a security firm. I decided to offer support for us to benefit as a family. I gave him Sh200,000 for a start. 

This worked out well, we registered a company and he started marketing and putting other things in place. The business picked up so well. By this time, we had a baby, and other responsibilities were setting in. I was still taking care of everything giving the business time to pick up well. 

 Since he used to use a motorbike, he suggested we buy a car.  I gave him 200K and he added 50K. Strangely he registered it in his name.

Then when the company started booming he got a girlfriend. I have never known peace since this girl started working in this company as a secretary cum accountant. She has taken over everything including the man himself. I have talked, cried, and cursed about why I offered support. 

We now have three children plus a stepchild who is now in Form One. The only things he pays are the rent, power and water bills. The rest is on me.

I have even bought land to start building. When will he ever support his family? He spends all the money on this girl and his drinking buddies. The kind of arrogance I see now leaves me perplexed. To add salt to injury, they are expecting a baby. He has never owned up to anything. He has always denied all the accusations. I’m hurt and broken. 

What should I do? Please advise. 

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