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Help! I was forced to marry a woman I don't love...
What you need to know:
- Marrying because you were forced was a self-inflicted predicament that has led to your current situation.
- Begin a path of self-reflection where you make decisions that suit you instead of pleasing others who may never appreciate your efforts.
- When others make decisions that create a rift, it is not your responsibility to provide comfort.
I am a man aged 51, married to a disabled woman whom my heart loved beyond explanation, only to find out that she was a serious liar and a thief. She left my house thrice under the direction of her mother to other marriages and came back to me. When she went away to another man the third time, my bishop forced me to remarry, which I did though I did not want it. I don’t love her, but she has already given birth to a boy.
When the first woman ran back to me with my two children, I gave her a room to stay with my children, but without marital relations. She has now shown her true colours – prostitution, going to men with my very young children, even staying there for a month, theft and now poisoning my children against me. I have now grown to hate her, and still don't feel love for my wife. Advise me please, I am confused.
The writing was always on the wall; you just ignored the red flags. But now that you’re in a real dilemma, focus first on providing for your three children. They are innocent. As for your bishop asking you to remarry, that baffles me. Whether to divorce or remarry is a decision only you should have made. Remove yourself from the two relationships, write down the advantages and disadvantages of each, then go for the one that offers you more benefits.
Author Kitui Wakape
I understand what you're going through. Before marring, it is always very important to have a serious background check on your partner. Some play smart but you can't miss some red flags. When a wife quits marriage and comes back without the man's intervention, taking her back is catastrophic. Poisoning your children against you proves how evil she is. Create time for the children and talk to them. Another enormous mistake is being forced to marry someone you don't love. Nevertheless, you can learn to love. Start by appreciating your newly married wife. Create room in your heart if she makes an effort to stay. Focus all your attention on her and gradually you'll warm up to her. Also, seek marriage counseling.
D Mutunga
Your situation is undeniably complex, marked by emotional turmoil, relational betrayal, and significant family dynamics. As a psychologist, I commend your courage in seeking guidance. The layers of your betrayal, coerced remarriage, parenting challenges, and emotional dissonance require a multifaceted approach to foster healing, protect your well-being, and prioritise your children’s safety.
Your path forward requires courage, pragmatism, and self-compassion. Prioritise legal and psychological support to safeguard your children and yourself. While forgiveness and reconciliation are personal choices, they need not come at the expense of your dignity or safety. By setting boundaries, seeking help, and focusing on incremental progress, you can foster a healthier future for your family.
Nyakenyanya Japhet, police psychologist
If a woman has cheated on you, she will do it again. You might take her back and she will probably be on her best behaviour for a while but she’ll cheat again. If she is bringing other men into your children’s lives without your consent, this could be a significant issue impacting the children’s well-being and potentially violating legal parental rights. You should seek legal advice to understand your rights and options. Don’t marry for love, marry for purpose.
Fred Lastborn Jausenge, UAE
Love should never feel like a punishment! Listen, sir. You’re 51, not 15. This isn’t a high school love triangle—it’s a full-blown circus and you’re juggling fire while blindfolded. The first woman? Lied, stole, cheated, disappeared, and came back. And you? You kept letting her in. She’s now allegedly prostituting, poisoning your children against you, and you still gave her a room. The second wife? You didn’t love her, were guilt-tripped by a bishop (seriously?) and now you’re stuck in a joyless marriage. Not fair to you, or her. Here’s the bitter pill: Kick the chaos out. Find peace. Raise your children right. And please, stop letting broken people make decisions in your life. Evict the chaos. The first woman has to go. Not because she’s disabled (don’t let anyone guilt-trip you there), but because she’s toxic. Disability does not excuse deception. Let her go before her actions break your children completely. Be honest with yourself and your second wife. If love cannot grow there, don’t fake it. Children raised in cold love learn to doubt warmth. You’re not a rehab centre. You’re a man who deserves rest, not stress!
Freezer, Nairobi
FROM THE EXPERT
My first impression is that you are impulsive and that your social and religious belief system governs your decisions, which is why the result does not and will not favour you. Life choices can bring negative manifestations. Marrying because you were forced was a self-inflicted predicament that has led to your current situation. Begin a path of self-reflection where you make decisions that suit you instead of pleasing others who may never appreciate your efforts. When others make decisions that create a rift, it is not your responsibility to provide comfort. That does not mean you neglect your children. However, your somewhat noble approach of attempting to safeguard the family unit will not add value to you other than increase stress. Once you make yourself the priority, the confusion will dissipate.
Maurice Matheka is a relationships expert
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