It is a given – erectile dysfunction is the most distressing sexual condition a man can ever face. Whether this, however, warrants the startling myths surrounding it, is a different question. When Joy came to the clinic to report the frustrations they were going through with this disabling condition, her husband kept quiet.
“You see, he believes that it is witchcraft; that he had a disagreement with his colleague at work and the guy promised him hell on earth and so hell has finally come,” Joy said. “And I can tell you, it is true hell for us!”
The man got what I diagnosed as acute erectile dysfunction two months after the disagreement at the workplace. Acute erectile dysfunction is the type that happens suddenly. You were okay yesterday, and today the thing just won’t rise to the occasion. Chronic ED is, on the other hand, progressive, getting weaker by the day till it is completely gone. Due to its sudden onset, acute ED is more distressing since the victim has not had time to come to terms with the problem.
I explained to Joy that as for witchcraft and the underworld, I had no knowledge or help, but that medically we were very aware of the common causes of erectile dysfunction and we had medical solutions.
“Really?” she interrupted. “What about my mother in law’s belief that the gods are not pleased with the family and we need cleansing?”
This was getting complicated. I went into detail explaining what we know medically about erectile dysfunction.
Historically, it is thought that the early man in his primitive state did not worry or suffer erectile dysfunction. Life was difficult and harsh and running around the desert or forest to look for food left them with no luxury to have frequent sex. Further, during this time, the family unit was loose such that monogamy was not there, meaning that every Tom, Dick and Harry could forcefully have sex with anyone they met along their way.
As societies developed more socially, they started having values around relationships and sex. Women were no longer treated as sex objects. Men became conscious of the need to woo and treat women well before engaging sexually. Issues of mutual pleasure during sex became fundamental so that it was not just men but women too enjoying the act. This, however, meant that in a sexual situation, partners have to be of one mind, to be aware of what they both enjoy sexually and what they don’t.
Fast forward, relationships became long term and people mostly had sex with those they are married to. The flip side of these long-term relationships is that people stop paying attention to what works best for their partners in sexual situations. As such, some men who respect and would want to please their wives are sometimes at a loss. This inability to please your partner is often expressed by loss of erection.
“Oops, that is hard to believe,” interrupted Joy.
But that is the truth of the many psychologically laden erectile dysfunctions. Men want to please their women. They do not want to hurt them. They are not sure whether their approach, timing and the act of sex will be pleasing or displeasing to their lovers. Couples are no longer of one mind. Each does not know what the other is going through. The body appropriately responds by inhibiting an erection just in case the act of sex hurts the other. All this is subconscious.
The treatment of these cases requires the re-establishment of intimacy between a couple. The man needs to be sure that the woman is happy and interested in him. The same needs to happen with the woman.
Unfortunately, when erectile dysfunction happens, the reaction of the woman sometimes makes matters worse. When the reaction is negative and the man is blamed and made to feel that he is a failure, the problem gets compounded and most men just keep off sex. What the woman does not know is that it is the good men who want to please their wives that sometimes (note, sometimes!) get erectile dysfunction. In fact, as gender and women’s rights get more central to our lives, it is predicted that more men will be faking ED to prove their love just as much as they now run to the toilet to swallow Viagra in an attempt to please the woman.
“I do not understand all this,” said Joy. “You mean my husband is not having a medical condition, that he just does not know how to please me?”
Well, being psychologically at a loss is in itself a medical condition. Of course there are a few instances where ED could also be due to a disease condition that is not psychological or due to drugs that a man is taking to treat these diseases. The majority, however, are really a result of psychological issues that can be summed up as being at a loss on how to please the sex partner.
The next day, Joy brought her husband to the clinic. It was an uphill task convincing him that his condition had nothing to do with witchcraft. Medical tests done showed that he had no non-psychological medical problem. A diagnosis of ED of psychological origin was made. After a series of sex coaching sessions that involved sensual exercises, the couple was back on their feet.
“I have been to hell and back,” said Joy’s husband on the day of discharge from the coaching sessions. “The good side of it is that now we are of one mind, my wife and I, and I can tell what pleases her. Our relationship has greatly grown.”
