Remember that song about digging your own well so you can drink your own water as and when you want? Ah, a legendary advocacy song that was.
The one issue the song did not tackle is: What happens when that well ceases welling with water as it should?
Okay, this is a conversation about menopause; about that stage in a woman’s life when the body retires from creating other humans.
But wait, do you remember that book about the river and the source? In biological terms, the source of the river called femininity is a hormone called oestrogen.
Men and women produce it, but it is in larger quantities in women. Thanks to this hormone, the ovaries get to do that monthly dance. Oestrogen is at its highest near her ovulation period, and it lays the red carpet for intercourse and fertilisation.
So, dear men, with menopause, the production of this hormone in your woman declines. All of a sudden, the bedroom becomes a chore for her. Pain, infections and dryness haunt that well.
Because oestrogen also plays a part in brain acuity, its decline will also play a number on your woman’s memory. She might become forgetful. The hormone also strengthens bones, and hers might get weaker and prone to breakage. Some women may also start turning a little masculine, and this is where balding may occur.
Men, you see the way movies start with introductions where characters’ and producers’ names run on the screen? Menopause starts with an introductory phase called perimenopause. This is where the frequency and quantity of menstrual flow reduces until it stops completely.
According to Dr Mary Maina, an obstetrician gynaecologist and a laparoscopic surgeon, this “intro” period is the gradual easing into menopause. Some women, she says, may witness a sudden stop in periods but most ease into the eventual stop.
Dr Maina says a woman can get pregnant during this transitional period of reduced flow, and so she needs to be on a non-hormonal family planning method.
“This is because if you’re using a hormonal method, then we may never know when your menopause comes,” she says.
When your woman goes for 12 months without menstruating, and this is without an external reason like radiotherapy or surgery, then she will be in the postmenopausal period. She will have crossed the Rubicon in an unstoppable, irreversible process of nature.
“After menopause, once you have 12 months without a single period, you’re unlikely to get pregnant,” says Dr Maina.
Through this transition, dear men, you need to support your woman as different changes will happen to her body.
According to Dr Wachira Murage, a consultant obstetrician/ gynaecologist who is also a fertility expert, spousal support is key.
“I feel that we need to educate especially the spouses that they should support their women,” says Dr Murage, the CEO of the Savannah Hospital.
Some of the signs of a woman in transition include excessive sweating at any time of the day. Low libido will also be in the mix. Emotional instability will be another. Forgetfulness will also feature. Sleep disturbances and palpitations are likely to occur. Her hair and the skin are likely to thin, and the woman’s skin may start playing host to wrinkles. Her urinary system will also thin and so infections in that area might increase.
With all this, your support will go a long way.
“In my practice, you find women who come, or couples who come, and the man can’t handle them anymore. And what happens to the man? Because he can’t stand this woman, he will now look for (a side dish) for his own comfort. So, this relationship will end up either in separation or divorce. But who are you divorcing? So, it’s good to be sensitive and to understand that ‘this person that I married, we are no longer young,’” says Esther Njeru, a marriage and family therapist.
“So, we (need to) support each other, walk this journey together. Support is key, especially to the spouses. Spouses and your friends and everyone.”
In Dr Murage’s view, men and women in marriage need to support each other because each of them is ageing in their marriage. Men, too, slow down reproductively as they age. What is called andropause – the reduction in the testosterone hormone that dictates masculinity – also sets in.
Per various sources, menopause sets in at age 50 on average for women while andropause knocks the door at an average age of 60.
“They (men) feel agitated, they are emotional, they are insomniac, they become complex, they have night sweats and hot flashes. So, they behave the same way. And it’s not that their libido also increases. That’s why they should form a team (with their wives) to try and work together and help each other,” says the gynaecologist.
More importantly, he says, menopause is not synonymous with the death of a woman’s sex life. She will still have something to offer in the bedroom.
“Menopause does not mean that your sexual life is gone. It does not mean that your libido is gone forever; that you cannot function, you cannot perform. I want to equate it to a sort of retirement. When you’ve been working for many years, it does not mean that when you retire, you go and die. No, you just change into something else. I mean, it’s like transferring this official office to another office,” says Dr Murage.
“Same with menopause. Spouses and the people around us should understand that menopause is just another phase of life. And just like we encourage ourselves to embrace change, we just need to embrace the change process and then tweak the things in another way. Sex will be okay, the lady is beautiful, she can go dance, she can go swim, she can go for other things,” he adds.
In Dr Maina’s view, men need to be involved because they will be the ideal support system for their spouses and the women around them.
“I think the most important thing for the men is to understand what menopause is, and what the symptoms are, so that when your colleague in the office or your partner at home suddenly starts sweating, or she has a mood swing, or she keeps forgetting and you’re wondering why she cannot remember, you understand that it is actually a transition, and it’s a major transition,” she says.
In case of difficulties in bed, she advises men that with a proper understanding of menopause, they “will understand that she’s not avoiding having sex; her libido is low.”
“But there are ways, of course, we can help — like using lubricants,” she says.
Dear men, you should be on hand to support your wife ease into menopause by ensuring there is a balanced diet for her, supplying calcium-rich foods and calcium supplements, getting her some okra, providing plenty of products made of fortified flour, purchasing her soya, buying her plenty of vegetables, among other natural remedies.
You can also help her get vitamin D3 supplements and urge her to stop smoking if she is. She will also need to reduce alcohol intake. In some cases, she will need bisphosphonates — drugs that slow down the degeneration of bones.
“The most important thing is for men to understand how menopause presents and understand the symptoms that women are having,” says Dr Maina.
“Menopause needs to be prepared for, because the more you are prepared for it, the happier you will be,” he adds.
