How ghosting, breadcrumbing, and negging impact your love life

We all know that toxic relationships can leave you feeling hurt, lost, and ultimately broken. As the pandemic has pushed our relationships online, the new dating vocabulary can throw off even the savviest of us. 

Don't you miss the good old days, where there were three stages of relationships? You were either dating, engaged, or married? Today, we have a whole host of new phenomena and 'situationships' whose nuances are not exactly common knowledge. 

There are new terms for almost every stage of a relationship, whether the new infatuation showers you with attention for weeks before suddenly falling off the face of the planet or decides to dish you back-handed compliments. 

It's all very confusing and complicated. Below are some of the glossary of modern relationship terms to help you understand the undefinable relationship and give you the clarity you need to either move on or take the relationship to the next level. 

Ghosting

According to relationship experts, ghosting, also known as simmering or icing, describes the act of abruptly cutting off contact within a budding romantic relationship without giving that person any warning or explanation for doing so. Whether the relationship is in its early stages, ghosting completely ends the affair and it's like it never even happened in the first place. Dr. Susan Gitau a licensed psychologist believes ghosting is a form of emotional cruelty that deepens feelings of abandonment and desertion. 

Josephine Sarah, 38 a research consultant at ICRISAT research Institute narrates how her ghosting ex instigated worry, anxiety, and fear in her.

'I felt something was not right. I met this man in church and as a born-again lady, I felt this was my perfect match. I was showered with gifts, affection, and promises, as the strategy to gain my trust and ultimate adoration. There is a saying that if something seems too good, think twice. 

After nine months of dating, and several disappearance acts, Josephine Ex surfaced, promised heaven, and asked her to lend him Sh150, 000. Then he disappeared for good. 

So why do people ghost? Because they want to avoid having a confrontation and hurting the ghostee's feelings," explains Vinita Mehta, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert. She cited a recent study where researchers found five main reasons why people ghost: convenience; having had a negative interaction with a dating partner; lost interest; relationship state (i.e., how close you are with the person); and safety.

To heal from being ghosted, relationships experts say you should stop blaming yourself and focus on the future. After all, you can't control someone else's behaviour, but you can control your reaction to it and take ownership of your own behaviour.

Breadcrumbing

He sends you frequent flirty texts, comments positively on your posts, and even initiates a romantic meet-up. When you do meet, the conversation is mostly sexual. It's been months, but you are anxious because you have no idea what you are. He has been sending mixed signals all through. 

You my friend are going through a breadcrumbing situation. Breadcrumbing is the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal social signals to lure a romantic partner without expending much effort. Breadcrumbers are inconsistent, unpredictable, and sporadic in their expression of interest in you. They seem warm toward you but then turn cold and hence, you cannot understand their actions. Often, these individuals have a personality characterised by narcissism as well as game playing. They don't feel guilty about manipulating others and playing with people's emotions.

Rosemary Atieno, 29, a customer care representative says her self-esteem was affected after dating a breadcrumber. In 2019, she met a man online, but since they were in different time zones interactions were digital. 

"We spent nights talking. The man had every trait I ever dreamt of and with time, I developed a strong connection. After some time, he became inconsistent with his words and actions. For instance, he would promise to come to visit me in Kenya but never kept his word. I realised later that this man was doing the same with other ladies he met online. It was hurting but I had to let go of the relationship," says Rosemary.

Insecurity and loneliness can lead someone to breadcrumb without realising they're doing it. These people need multiple "relationships" to boost their self-esteem. They tend to convince themselves they aren't doing anything wrong. 

Understand what you want out of a relationship, know your worth, and set healthy boundaries to avoid being breadcrumbed.

Negging

Emotional manipulation, or "negging," can be so subtle at first that you don't see it for what it is. After all, everyone says something they wish they hadn't on occasion.

Picture these comments:

"You look fabulous? I would never have the courage to wear my hair like that."

"Your friend is in such great shape. You should take a cue from her and start working out."

You've got some great news, but they've got something to top it. You've mentioned that you have terrible flu. They respond by telling you about the time they were hospitalised and almost died of pneumonia, so you shouldn't be such a whiner.

"I was in a relationship where I was always compared to other women and hence, felt the sense of competition," says banker Caroline Kwamboka. The 30-year-old walked out on her 'negging' boyfriend because he left her feeling inadequate and fighting for his approval. 

Experts advise that you make it clear that this behaviour is unacceptable and demand change or else get out.

Love Bombing

"I love you," the voice on the other end says. It's day three after your first meeting. Since you met him, the texts have come fast and furious, and his calls are persistent. He has bought you lunch almost every day and he is now sending you flowers and chocolates. You love attention, but at the back of your mind, you are feeling overwhelmed, crowded, and in need of air. "Is he desperate? Or a stalker? What's his motive?" you wonder. 

According to Dr. Susan Gitau, love bombing is characterised by excessive attention, admiration, and affection to make you feel dependent and obligated to the person. 

Love bombing is ultimately a form of manipulation because it makes you feel a certain way that benefits the love bomber (e.g. they feel secure that they have your affections). What might look sweet and cute at the start can quickly turn sour. When the love bomber feels like they got the person and they feel secure in the relationship, they switch and become very difficult, abusive, or manipulative. 

What to do? If it is still early days, something as simple as, "Hey, this seems to be moving pretty fast and I need to set some boundaries" is a good place to start. If they persist—dump them, unfollow them, and find the support you need to back you up.

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