I supported him when he was broke, he got a girlfriend when he made it

I met him in 2012, by this time he didn't have a job. I was already working and I provided rent, food and all. Even his pocket money! 

 In our conversation, he mentioned that if he got good capital he would start a business. He had a great vision. He desired to start a security firm. I decided to offer support for us to benefit as a family. I gave him Sh200,000 for him to start a business. 

This worked out well, we registered a company and he started marketing and putting other things in place. The business picked up so well. By this time, we had a baby, and other responsibilities were setting in. I was still taking care of everything giving the business time to pick up well. 

 Since he used to use a motorbike, he suggested we buy a car.  I gave him 200K and he added 50K. Strangely he registered it in his name.

Then when the company started booming he got a girlfriend. I have never known peace since this girl started working in this company as a secretary cum accountant. She has taken over everything including the man himself. I have talked, cried, and cursed about why I offered support. 

We now have three children plus a stepchild who is now in Form One. The only things he pays are the rent, power and water bills. The rest is on me.

I have even bought land to start building. When will he ever support his family? He spends all the money on this girl and his drinking buddies. The kind of arrogance I see now leaves me perplexed. To add salt to injury, they are expecting a baby. He has never owned up to anything. He has always denied all the accusations. I’m hurt and broken. 

What should I do? Please advise. 

READER’S ADVICE

I’m sorry for what happened to you. Evaluate yourself keenly to know what you want in that relationship. Don't depend on him for your own happiness. Focus on your own happiness. Build yourself. He made his own choice to have another woman and neglect his family.

Mercy Githinji

In 11 years, you have transformed him to what he is now. Unfortunately, you are still waiting for him to take responsibility. The truth is that most people keep waiting for their spouses to change but they only get frustrated. Continue with what you are doing and raise your family without expecting much from him. Talk to him about building the family house, be more friendly and less confrontational because it appears you've been hurting while he's been having the time of his life. Let him know your stand without displaying desperation. Keep mum about the other woman as it will show insecurity on your side.   

 W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri 

Maybe your accusation might be wrong, but trust me we men always have big respect for our first wife. Be patient and continue praying he will be back. Trust me you.

George

EXPERT’S TAKE

What stands out from the beginning is that you were the one who volunteered your support driven by your feelings for him. I can only imagine how you feel after investing in him only for him to throw you curve balls at every opportunity. The unfortunate is life is not guaranteed to yield favour towards you. You saw a potential husband and a possible future as a family but he did not share in your vision. He did not mind your support but he never felt the need to invest in a future with you. The red flags were there. If he ever changes it will be his choice. What I do know is that you can work on being financially independent instead of hoping that he will change. You do have the choice of leaving if the relationship has no happy moments. If you do leave, do not be surprised if he begs you to reconcile.

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

Hi. My name is Phillip. I am married with three children. My wife and I have been together for nine years. In the beginning, our relationship was great and I trusted her. I have never suspected her and she has been open, honest and loyal to me. However, when we got our second child everything changed. Immediately after she stopped breastfeeding the baby, I noticed a lot of changes in her. She could no longer take care of the children or cook for them. She was more concerned about how she looked and dressed. She became inseparable from her phone. She started coming home late and most times refuses to have sex with me. She was either fatigued or sick.

I realised that there is a guy she was chatting with every day. I decided to confront her and took her phone. I went through her message and realised that she was chatting with four guys and others on Facebook. She cried and apologised. I chose to forgive her after she assured me that she was going to change. I also compromised because of our kids. After two years I opened a business for her to run while I worked. After three months, she joined a group of promiscuous women. I started an investigation. I found out that she had slept with two guys and she was planning to sleep with a third one. Apart from that, she was chatting with 40 other different guys. I confronted her and she confirmed everything. She apologised and requested one last chance. I decided to tell her mother so that she can talk to her. My wife has become deceptive and doesn't care about our marriage. She's likely to repeat because she has replaced her line after throwing it. She still hanging out with the bad company. She has barely reformed. I can't continue doing this. I'm working on myself and I'm ready to leave the marriage because she might infect me with an STI. What hurts me the most is that I'm related to the guys she slept with and they're married. Please advise me on what to do because it's consuming me inside. Thank you.

 Phillip

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