Let's be honest. Cheating is not a deal-breaker for most women

I think we need to redefine what we mean when we say cheating – or rather when we say what deal-breakers are in relationships.

A couple of weeks ago, popular pseudo-relationship coach Derrick Jaxn took to Instagram to own up to his transgressions. The love doctor confessed that he had multiple affairs and cheated on his beloved wife before he got busted.

The wife in question was sitting next to him, looking pained and kidnapped, supporting her Christian husband who preaches 'Healing and Healthy relationships' to his 1.3 million social media followers. Which is the part that got to me first: that women are perfectly comfortable taking relationship advice from men they know nothing about just because they claim to be authorities. There's a difference between taking advice from your friends or discussing things with your parents to get their perspectives – then there's the Kevin Samuels or @Amerix of the internet with secrets and a platform, lording their supposed knowledge over you.

The next thing that irked me was that he insisted on dragging his wife into this mess. I'm not sure if she wanted to be there – she didn't look like she wanted to be there if anyone is being honest – but she was there, nonetheless. Why is it that women have to be present at the apology to validate it? Quite frankly, it's embarrassing. It looked cringe-worthy, just like when the WaJesus family is explaining where a new cousin is coming from, or when Samidoh is apologising. Not only was Jackson's wife there, but she also went ahead and recorded another video on her channel that talked about how she was wearing a helmet or something? To pray on and defend her marriage. It felt performative and frantic. 

And third, we do know that the likelihood of the good coach cheating again is quite high. Why? Because he's been doing it, and a video admission is not a personality or habit change. On top of that, his wife won't leave him.

And that's where my question comes in. I don't know about you, but in the world, I live in, girlfriends and/or wives rarely leave after cheating – even in the face of public embarrassment or private conscience. So why do we still talk like cheating is a dealbreaker when realistically, a lot of the time, it actually isn't? Why do we insist on perpetuating these myths?

I have a couple of theories on this. One of them is, I think it's harder to talk about what you will or won't do in a long-term partnership before you get into one. A lot of people put up with things that they vehemently swore they never would, then they commit to their person, then it happens, and by then they've built and done so much, you have two kids and an apartment and a mortgage together…and it gets complicated. Too complicated. We claim dealbreakers with our whole chests before we get married, and then we realise we would just prefer a normal person with normal flaws, and everything else comes secondary. You then proceed to realign what flaws you're willing to deal with. And per person sharing is one of them.

Or maybe people know that technically, Christianity frowns on divorce – as do many major religions. Ironically, infidelity is one of the only reasons the Bible allows for divorce – and yet people, still! Don't leave. But that can also be because people look at us singles like aliens – we can't lead companies, or get promotions, or even contribute to societies and talk in forums in a meaningful way if we don't, apparently have a partner.

We all know that's not true. We also know that people say that cheating is a big deal but act the opposite. So when you get to this part of the article, I'd like you to be honest on your actual, real deal-breakers. What would make you walk? 

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