Relationships: How to tell the woman you're dating is toxic

When 38–year–old Brett Ochieng started dating Eva, he thanked his lucky stars. Eva was beautiful, elegant, and stylish. She had a blossoming career and had a side gig as a social media influencer. She was the dream date of many men. What most of her admirers, including Brett, didn't know was that Eva had a toxic personality. After dating for four months, she left Brett broke, emotionally worn out, and exhausted.

"She was manipulative emotionally and financially. I couldn't see it because I was obsessed with her. She was the centre of my universe," says Brett who is a system analyst at a software development firm in Nairobi.

"It was not just the pain of a breakup. It was the illusion that I couldn't function without her," Brett talks of the pain.

Just like Brett, it can be very easy for you to date a woman who appears like your soul mate on face value but who is toxic and emotionally destructive. So how can you spot a toxic woman from afar before your dates turn into a romantic nightmare? Here are six ways to guide you:

She is cold

You can easily mistake a woman's coldness for uniqueness. You may even take a cold woman as a challenge that you want to conquer. But not every icy princess is waiting for a knight to melt her heart. Counseling psychologist Frankline Oyoo says that this type of woman is not introverted.

Oyoo says that this type of woman operates on the premise that the world exists to please her. She must be the centre of attention.

Men exist to please her, to fight over her, and to provide her with undivided attention. Oyoo explains that your advances will be welcome as long as you tickle her fancies, and up until the next better man comes along. "She is unable to produce love for any other person other than herself. She is also cold to other people," he says. With this type of personality, your relationship will be exhausting and unfulfilling.

Mind your language

The kind of language a woman uses during a date can show you the type of person she is. Psychologist Ken Munyua says you should note how she describes other people, including the waiters. "If she has a habit of using bad language on other people, or judging, chances are that these are the same adjectives she will soon use on you," he says. But it is not just the descriptions. Watch out if she is always giving halfhearted compliments. These include those that have a tinge of negativity in them.

She guilt trips you

This trait goes hand in hand with manipulation. Your date may try to get you to do things you might be unwilling to do. 'If you really love me, then you should do this for me!' you may be told. Oyoo says that this borders on emotional bullying. "It starts with small favours that you have no problem doing. Then bigger and unrealistic favours are demanded, which you fulfill out of guilt. You have to do it to prove your worth. If you don't, then you're as good as booted," he says. Also, watch out for how she handles your mistakes. "Ask yourself if you are genuinely forgiven when you make a mistake or she now thinks you're are a fool. Do your mistakes become a benchmark to remind you what a big favour she is doing you by dating you? And do these reminders always end up with a request for a favour that you feel compelled to meet out of guilt?" poses Oyoo. Be alert.

She is controlling

Beware if your date exhibits early signs of controlling behaviour. Such behavior will be carried into the relationship as well. This includes a date recommending and ordering the food you should eat without asking you and making the date all about her. "She will control the conversation. You will not be able to express your interests, passions, and outlook, but they will go on and on about theirs," says Oyoo. Also, a toxic person will track you and demand to know where you are, what you're doing, and who you are with.

Her social media persona

You can also tell a lot about whether the woman you are interested in has a toxic personality by watching her online activities. "A toxic person on social media will be toxic in real life. Watch how she interacts with people. Keep off if she is always putting others down, or dragging people to the gutter," he says.

Spotting the good woman

A lasting good character can only be seen where you spend quantity of time. "Bad character is never hidden for long," Munyua says. Spending more time will help you see consistency and authenticity in their manners, language, and general social behaviour.

The psychologist says the right woman will be genuine, harbour a balanced interest in you, have a positive outlook in life, and know where she is going. Your ability to be yourself without fear of being judged when you're with her and her high regard for self-respect and boldness is a good sign.