The only time he’s touchy is when he wants sex. Should I stay or move on?
Struggling with affection and trust in a new relationship can be difficult, but patience and honest communication might offer a path forward.
What you need to know:
- He tells me he loves me often, but I’ve convinced myself that he’s only with me because he doesn’t want to be alone.
- The biggest issue is his lack of affection. He was hurt in a previous relationship and says he finds it hard to trust people now.
I’m 24, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend, who’s 25, for about eight months now. I love him deeply, and I feel incredibly lucky to be with him. But every day, it hurts me to think that he might not feel the same way.
He tells me he loves me often, but I’ve convinced myself that he’s only with me because he doesn’t want to be alone. The biggest issue is his lack of affection.
He was hurt in a previous relationship and says he finds it hard to trust people now. He seems nervous about opening up to me and sharing his deeper feelings. When I talk about our future together, he doesn’t always affirm it, which leaves me feeling uncertain.
The only time he seems affectionate is when he wants sex. Afterward, he immediately gets up and leaves, which feels cold and unloving to me. I’ve raised these concerns with him several times, but he says that he simply doesn’t express love the way I do. So, I’m left wondering: where do I go from here?
— Annah
READERS’ ADVICE
In modern relationships, it’s not unusual for a 25-year-old man to be hesitant about commitment, which may explain why your boyfriend isn’t all over you with affection. But, it’s also important to be careful not to come across as overly clingy or desperate for love. Men often resent that, and if you keep pushing for more affection, you could end up pushing him away. Try to enjoy the special moments with him, and let things unfold naturally.
Drive Counselling Centre - Nakuru
The situation you’re in might have been avoided if you had waited until after marriage to get physical with your boyfriend. You’re now left questioning whether his love is genuine or if you’re just a distraction for him after his previous heartbreak. It’s hard to say whether his feelings are truly sincere. Understand that after a deep emotional wound, it can take time for someone to trust again. Your boyfriend may need space and time to heal. Give him that, without putting too much pressure on him. You’re still young; there’s no rush to find a husband. Allow things to develop at their own pace.
Lastborn Jausenge – UAE
EXPERT ADVICE
Your situation is not unusual, but it’s important to recognise that eight months is still a short time in a relationship. Some couples who’ve been married for years are still learning about each other. Given that your boyfriend has been hurt in a past relationship, it’s likely going to take him longer to trust fully. You’ll need to be patient and supportive as he works through his emotional barriers.
Every relationship is imperfect, and sometimes things don’t go the way we expect. Your love language may not match his, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. The affection may not come as easily or as often as you want, but that doesn’t invalidate his feelings for you. Rather than focusing on needing constant reassurance, let the affection come naturally. Pressuring him for more will only lead to frustration and dissatisfaction on both sides.
If he’s not mistreating you, don’t let your insecurities sabotage a relationship that could otherwise grow into something special. Sometimes, it’s better to accept love in the way it’s given rather than forcing it to look a certain way. If intimacy is the way he connects with you, then embrace that as part of his affection for you.
Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
“I’ve been married for 8 years, and my wife and I are having constant disagreements about how to raise our 5-year-old son. She comes from a very strict, traditional background and believes children should obey without question and never challenge elders. I, on the other hand, believe in allowing our son to express himself and ask questions.
Whenever I try to suggest a more balanced approach, she accuses me of undermining her authority and disrespecting her upbringing. I don’t want to disrespect her values, but I also don’t want our son to grow up feeling stifled. How do I handle this? Should I just agree with her, or is it time to have a deeper conversation about our parenting styles?”
Are you facing a dilemma? To get help or give advice, write to [email protected]
