Connie’s complaint when she came to the Sexology Clinic was that she had not had sex with her husband for eight months. She could not bear it anymore and wanted an immediate solution.
“I hear you but I really need to understand why sex is not happening before I can give a solution,” I said as Connie stared into the distance absent-mindedly, not paying attention to me.
“Maybe I should just divorce, I am tired of this celibacy,” she said. I realised that there was no communication happening between us. She was preoccupied with her own thoughts. I began asking her direct questions to help me make a diagnosis.
She was 34 years old. She worked as a marketing executive with a big company. Her husband, Tony, was 35. He was a lawyer in one of the famous law firms in town. The couple had been married for three years. They had one child aged one.
“So he lost his erections a year ago. He is totally flat whatever I do to him,” Connie explained. She lamented that at one point she thought she was the one not showing enough love. She therefore did everything she could to improve intimacy and romance in the relationship. The situation only worsened.
In her wisdom, she went to a pharmacy and bought Tony the blue pill. This led to a big quarrel between them. Tony refused to take the medicine.
“So doctor, what do you do when your spouse has an obvious sex problem but won’t seek help?” she asked.
Well, there are many of these cases these days. For one, sex problems are a problem of the couple, not of one individual in the relationship. Sex can fail because one party has a problem or because both parties have problems. Sometimes the person accused of having a problem may actually be reacting to a problem of his or her partner who may be the one requiring treatment. Even if the problem arose from one party, it affects the relationship and both parties are affected and react in a way that complicates the problem further. Whenever sex fails, therefore, do not accuse each other, seek help together.
“I think you do not understand what I am talking about,” Connie interrupted. The man has no erection at all. His thing is dead like a dodo! You get it? He is the one who needs treatment but just won’t seek help!”
I could understand Connie’s frustration. The truth, however, is that both parties should seek help when sex fails. It is true that sex problems can be embarrassing. If you are a proud person you probably do not want to go to a doctor to talk about your inability to have sex. This can expose you as a weak person and you do not want that. Many people with problems live on hope, waiting for days on end for the problem to resolve on its own. Some imagine and fear what the doctor will tell them: What if the doctor says that the problem is permanent? Others cannot bear such news and simply evade seeing a doctor.
But then there are those in denial. They do not believe that their sex lives can fail. They also do not think that sex problems need medical intervention. In fact, most people are simply confused when things fall apart in the bedroom.
“So what am I supposed to do when my husband won’t come for treatment for his erection failure?” Connie asked, getting impatient with my long explanation.
The first thing to do when a spouse refuses to seek help is to avoid accusing and blaming him of the bedroom problems. He is equally going through emotional torture and needs support. It is important to reassure him that you still love and care for him. Let him know that you miss the good old days when sex was perfect and wish that a solution could be found.
Let him know that visiting a doctor is an option he could consider. Do not force him and do not give up on him. Do not threaten him with divorce or with looking for sexual satisfaction elsewhere. These can only worsen the situation. Further, do not show him disrespect. He has a medical problem and disrespecting him is being unfair.
Since sex problems are shared, go ahead and seek medical help anyway even if your spouse has refused. You will get tips that can help resolve the problem. More important is that your spouse will realise that you are committed to getting a solution and will most likely mellow down and seek help.
Connie remained deep in thought as I gave my advice. She then suddenly woke up and said she was leaving and would get back to me. Two days later she called and informed me that she had decided to quit the marriage. She seemingly sought care when the damage had gone beyond repair.
