Sibling rivalry can have lasting implications into adulthood if left unchecked.
From the founding stories of the Bible, competition with siblings is just a fact of life. But just like in the Bible, which had murderous and covetous siblings, like Cain and Abel and Jacob and Esau, there are siblings whose fights go beyond childhood and normal complex emotional struggles.
Mercy Atieno is the fourth-born in a family of seven. Her fight with her sister, whom she follows, began when they were children.
“Growing up, my sister always felt like our parents favoured me. I was sharper in school and not cheeky, so my parents would praise me. She felt overlooked, and that’s when the rivalry took off,” she tells Lifestyle.
“There were times when we would fight over the last piece of ugali or who would wash the dishes, but over time, it became more serious. When we were older, my sister once tried to poison me,” she recalls.
Mercy recalls the countless arguments they had over trivial matters.
“There were times when we would fight over the last piece of ugali or who would wash the dishes, but over time, it became more serious. When we were older, she once tried to poison me,” Mercy says.
Over the years, their strained relationship has spread to their children.
“I want our children to have healthy relationships with one another, but they cannot," she says.
Selline Okumu, a psychologist, says sibling rivalry, common in childhood, can have lasting implications into adulthood if left unchecked.
“Sibling rivalry can range from healthy to destructive depending on how it is expressed and managed within the family,” she says.
Ms Okumu says parents ought to manage conflicts properly.
“When parents argue constantly at home, children see conflict as a normal part of relationships. This mentality can shape how they interact with their siblings," she says.
Another significant cause of sibling tension is favouritism by parents.
“Parents may not always be aware of it, but often, they inadvertently show more attention to one child over another. When one child feels abandoned or less valued, this can lead to animosity towards the favoured sibling,” she adds.
Personality differences can also create tension among siblings.
Selline describes how quieter children may clash with more dominant siblings, leading to “personality clashes.”
“A calm child may struggle to get along with a more aggressive sibling," she says.
She advises parents to dedicate quality time to each child, fostering an environment where they feel heard and understood.
“Ensure that no child feels compared to their siblings or favoured over another. Avoiding favouritism helps create a harmonious family dynamic where all siblings can thrive together,” she says.
Peter Juma, a 39-year-old father of two, says this strategy has worked for him. He recalls growing up with his younger sister, where tension often reigned and how his father helped.
“My father emphasised the importance of recognising my role as the elder child, but also taught us to value each other's opinions. I learnt to balance between asserting my authority and respecting my sister's individuality, a lesson I now find myself passing down to my children,” he says.
Peter says that his daughter, the younger of his two children, is outspoken and assertive.
She often clashed with her elder brother, a soft-spoken eight-year-old.
“It’s interesting to see how their different personalities play out. My daughter is a know-it-all, while my son is still learning to stand up for himself,” he says, and adds, "We teach our daughter to respect her brother’s voice, even as she learns to stand her ground. We want both of them to know that it’s okay to express themselves while also being considerate of each other’s feelings.”
Also, Peter and his wife present a united front when it comes to discipline and conflict resolution.
“We know they’re watching us, so we try to model good conflict resolution skills in our own relationship,” he adds.
Harriet Wanjiru, 57, who is a teacher and a school counsellor, says sibling rivalry is common in every family. But if it is not resolved, it can cause lifelong pain, even resentment among siblings.
She believes rivalry often stems from subtle but significant sources: favouritism, academic performance, and family traditions such as naming.
“Sometimes we (parents) don’t even realise we’re playing favourites. I made this mistake with my firstborn, who was a top performer, while my second-born, who wasn’t as academic, started withdrawing. Children feel these differences deeply,” she says.
She adds that the naming conventions in African culture can also fuel sibling rivalry.
“We name children after relatives, but if someone is named after a person with a controversial past, it can create friction. Names like Kinyua, associated with drinking, or Kagendo, meaning ‘on transit,’ can weigh on a child," she explains.
In the course of her work (teaching), Harriet has seen cases where close age gaps intensify rivalry, especially among quiet children who struggle to voice their frustrations.
“The closer they are in age, the more they compete," she says. "I once counselled a girl who felt overshadowed by her older sister and had even tried self-harm. She never spoke out, and her parents didn’t know until things became critical."
Harriet’s experiences have taught her strategies to help parents foster harmony at home.
"Start by nurturing faith as a family. Praying together isn’t just spiritual; it creates unity. Another important step is balancing appreciation. If you make a big deal out of one child’s birthday, do something equally meaningful for the others. They notice these things," she says.
She also emphasises the need for self-awareness among parents.
“Children learn from our actions. If we handle conflict with empathy, they will too, but if we hold grudges or play favourites, they’ll notice that as well," she says.
