Most of us live with a partner at some point in our lives, perhaps also having children together. And most of those couples get married. But what does being married mean exactly?
Even experts struggle to define marriage, because it varies so much from community to community. Some marriages are formal, some traditional, some completely unofficial. Marriages also have a lot in common with other relationships, so what exactly sets them apart? And why are some successful, and others not?
One answer is that all relationships involve commitment, emotional closeness and physical intimacy. But only a marriage has all three. So if one of them is missing, then you’re not really married. You’re in some other kind of relationship.
For example, physical and emotional intimacy without commitment is what defines ‘friends with benefits’ arrangements. While emotional intimacy and commitment are the basis of many long lasting friendships.
Marriage also aways entails physical intimacy, and indeed, many communities require a couple to have sex together before their marriage becomes legally valid. So unconsummated marriages can be annulled.
Good marriages also involve complete openness and honesty in everything, and for the couple to merge their finances. Neither of which occur in other relationships!
Which means that you’re not really married if you can’t reveal your deepest feelings to your spouse and be open about money. Many independent minded individuals struggle with that idea. But no one ever realises how wonderful complete honesty is until they start living with someone where there are no secrets.
Successfully married people also change their self-image. Into one that totally encompasses their partner, even as they respect each other’s individuality. Singles can be selfish, but married couples need to see themselves in terms of their relationship, with shared ambitions, support and encouragement.
They also develop mature and adult relationships with their parents, and play an independent role within their wider families. They also offer each other complete confidentiality, and put each other ahead of all their other relationships, before even their parents and children.
And they gradually learn to think about sex differently. To talk about each other’s needs, and protect their intimate lives from the demands of work, family and friends. Because good sex is the best cement there is for holding a marriage together.
Naturally they have disagreements, but they’re able to resolve them without threatening their relationship. They develop the skills to cope with anger, distress and conflict without ever losing their commitment to one another. Never ever questioning their relationship because, just for a moment, it seems less than perfect. Lack of commitment is a terrible mistake in a marriage, and seriously limits the couple’s happiness.
Successful couples nurture and cherish each other, and become each other’s most loyal friend. They’re always there to offer encouragement and support to one another, no matter how awful the world outside might become. And gradually, they develop a deep joy and contentment that can’t be achieved any other way.
