“God hates divorce.” If I hear this one more time, I will slap Christianity off someone’s face. It is an overused, misquoted Biblical text to help evade discussing serious dysfunctional issues in marriage relationships, such as abuse and all forms of cruelty. It is a famous band Aid spewed towards the church elder’s wife who knows every facet of cruelty from her deeply religious husband.
It is a phrase used to encourage trauma bonding when the couple is ignorant, or not willing to engage in the painstaking process of dissecting their wounded root families and entering the healing process as individuals. The phrase is oft misquoted, as it leaves out the preceding verse, which warns against unfaithfulness and mistreatment of the wife of one’s youth.
A wife seeks divorce when she feels unsafe from the one person who should offer comfort, solace, and protection. When she is exposed, for example through his adultery, she feels insecure and threatened, and she knows that the person who made a vow to desert all others and be with her lied and is exposing her, not just to embarrassment, but to life-threatening issues. She will take off faster than a space rocket. Or not.
We do try chameleon moves to transform into what a husband wants. We drink spinach juice, we wear dead people’s hair, heck, we even wax. But eventually, we learn that his character is his business. No human can change another’s character but themselves. Why do husbands seek divorce? Do tell, please.
An unexpected outcome of a divorce is an ex-spouse. Duh, you think, but no one warns you about the bile that an ex-spouse can spew. Their hate is two hundred and thirty-seven times deeper than their love ever was. You are safer bumping into a thug in a dark corner than your ex-spouse. Ex-husbands are bitter that you left their abusive, cruel, and adulterous behaviour. How dare you!
You were supposed to suck it up, like a nice religious African wife. But you come from a lineage of women who did not suck up. You reject what is served because that is not what you signed up for. Ex-spouses shock you with their bile. They take no responsibility for wounding you.
The other surprising outcome of divorce is deep sadness. On the wedding day, no one dreams that their marriage will end. When the divorce is finally announced, the sadness is heavy. It is an end to ideals and dreams. “The pain is deep because divorce is a death. It is as traumatic and sad as any other loss or death.” Beatrice told me. Even while your greatest desire and pursuit was for the divorce to come through, even when the healthiest thing for you was to get out of an abusive and adulterous marriage, it still feels extremely sad when the divorce is finally concluded and the judge makes that final judgment.
“It is because you had heavily invested in the marriage. You thought of the future, you stayed on, put up with a lot, but then, you had to give up all that.” He was violent, he cheated on you, he lied, he took and took and never gave, but you still feel sad when the marriage comes to an end. Not because you would want to be in such a trauma-bonded relationship but because you must bury the idea that you held onto for so long. Your reality is far from the dream.
They have proved time and again that who they truly are and what you think they are, are two very different persons. You feel sad because you must let go of that idea and accept the reality of who they are; often, you wonder how deeply wounded you are to accept the abusive, cruel person that they truly are.
Common friends. That is a very grey area. Some of them will shun you, others will take sides, while others are simply helpless. No one can help a couple but themselves. Your friends have their own lives and battles to wade. They have no mental bandwidth to deal with the heaviness of a couple going through a divorce. Before jumping into marriage, take ten steps back, and at least one full year of courtship to study your potential mate before committing. Above all, heal your inner child or you might attract the familiar. Take healing as an investment. Divorce is a sad, emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausting affair, and it does a number on children. Also, our creator hates it.
