Why do I feel like my teenager hates me?
Parents should allow the children to participate in the running of the family.
With schools closed for the long holidays, many parents have to spend a lot of time with their children at home. Whereas this should be considered a blessing by many, for some it is not a smooth ride, especially when dealing with teenagers who have a mind, a will, and a constitution of their own. Altercations are not strange at this stage, whereby parents while seeking to instil order, might end up on the receiving end of teenage wrath. Whereas for some this may be innocuous, for others it is usually the beginning of harbouring resentment, which if handled badly might destroy relations between a child and their parent.
On the issue of teenagers hating their parents, Nation Lifestyle talks to Eric Mpingo, a coach who spends most of his time working and mentoring teens.
When puberty hits, many teenagers start showing resentment towards their parents, is it a cry for help?
Technology is the blame. Teenagers are replacing their parents with mobile phones and gadgets. This happens mostly for parents who are in the age bracket of late 30 and early 40s. Most of these parents of teenagers are middle-class citizens who are too busy to create time for their children. They have afforded the best gadgets for their children at the expense of spending time with them.
Most of the parents are in the bracket of trying to get rich fast and you will find them carrying their work home. The teenagers tend to know that their homes have become offices and simply switch off. If the children do not switch off, then their parents force them to switch off.
What is a parent supposed to do when a child becomes reclusive?
The parent needs to know the cause behind it. For some of these children, when they begin to switch off, the parent needs to first understand the social life the children have built. In the gated community where I live, keenly take watch on who the friends of my children are because children’s habits are most often a copy paste from their interactions with friends.
To understand their children’s reclusion, parents need to first know the social lives of their children. Is it a social behaviour? Is it something as a result of the absence of the parent?
I know of a case where a boy closed school on Tuesday last week and has not seen his father yet they sleep in the same house because the father comes in when he has slept and leaves when the boy is still asleep. In this instance, even when you try to create time to interact with this boy, the boy will already have switched off.
What is the most important lesson for parents of teenagers?
It is easier to build strong young children than it is to repair broken men and women. Parents should not take their role as a formality but should understand that teenagerhood is a stage in life if not well handled, cannot be corrected. Children do not remain young forever. They are like cement that has been mixed with sand and water for construction, if not used within the required period, it will become useless. Parents need to treat this phase with a lot of urgency because it has no window period for fixing.
When does this period start?
It starts between Grade 6 [12 years]. By the time the child gets to Form 2, [when he is 16 years old] what went wrong will take forever to correct. Form 2 is usually a breaking point for most children, it is where a lot of indiscipline issues manifest themselves. If children are well grounded between Grade 6 and Form 2, they will have pulled through this tough phase.
How does this period manifest?
There are a few pointers to show. It starts with sleeping patterns. They start prolonging sleeping not because they are sleeping but because they are just minimising contact with their parents. They lack the excitement of seeing their parents which they used to have.
Second, they start spending most of their time in the bedroom even when their parents are at home. Others begin to eat in the bedroom, and some of them begin to skip the laid-down meal times where the family eats together or come in very late just when people are almost through with eating. Some of them you will discover serve themselves after food has been returned to the kitchen and will either go and eat from their room or alone while watching the TV. Loss of punctuality with meal times is a key indicator.
What age does this period end?
It usually ends when they are about 15 to 16 years of age.
Parents should allow the children to participate in the running of the family.
Are these patterns more common in girls or boys?
The patterns are common in both unless where drugs are involved. When drugs are involved which is especially with boys, they tend to become rude because they are trying to hide some bad character.
At what age do they start involving themselves with drugs?
It differs with gender. Boys can easily get into it at a tender age because they are outgoing and curious. Grade 5 or 6 boys [11 year to 12 year-olds] are beginning to explore and can easily become victims, unlike girls. The situation becomes bad for girls if they have no father figure. Girls tend to be more orderly for a bit of a while when there is a father figure present.
Do they really hate their parents or is it a phase?
Mostly it is a phase that ends but sometimes it also depends on how the parents will respond to the issue. There is a way parents might respond that will cultivate actual hatred from the children.
In the meantime, it is usually a protest where they don’t have anything tangible to hold on but with time depending on how the parents handle the situation, it might bring bitterness and hatred.
When teenagers begin to go silent, some parents become a bit rough especially the typical African parents who want to apply the methods used on them by their fathers in the 70 and 80s which don’t work with this current generation. Things can get out of hand if parents fail to handle this situation well.
When should a parent worry?
There are many red flags among them a drop in academic performance which is an indicator of this trait. At this time, teenagers will also not want to be lectured or questioned and will start using silence as a weapon. Parents need to check whether this is associated with academic performance.
Is this a generation thing or it was there from before?
It isn’t a generational issue. It has been in existence across generations it just manifests itself differently today as compared to back then.
How can parents work around it?
I wonder how many parents take time to discuss the results of their children even before the holidays begin. I know of a child who deliberately dropped from getting an A to getting a D to get parents' reaction. I tell parents that it is good to catch your children at the positive end. Parents need to learn to complement positives and not just wait for something negative to happen for them to react to their children.
Parents should allow the children to participate in the running of the family for example how to spend their holidays, what to eat, and where to go out as a family. It is hard for children to go silent when they are actively contributing to family activities or have active roles in day-to-day happenings of the home.
