Two things about parenting are that it does not have an instruction manual and is a lifetime job. It starts with the infant cries that threaten to burst your eardrums, and then it is a whirlwind of transformation from then on, right from the innocent toddler to the curious child, and finally to the complex, questioning teenager. In teenagehood, parents find themselves in a dilemma trying to figure out whether they should be friends with their teenagers.
Pamela Okumu emphasizes the need to be friends with your teenager. “You just have to be their friend then make sure that there are boundaries. How it has always worked with my children is that when I say ‘No’ it is a no and they then have to explain to me why I need to change my mind,” the mother of two shares, adding, “One of the perks of being friends with your child is that they can open up when they make a mistake. My son comes up to me sometimes and asks me, ‘Mom if I tell you something will you punish me?’”
On building a friendship with her children, 51-year-old Pamela admits, “I had my eldest daughter when I was still very young so in a way I was very strict with her so we did not become close friends. But my youngest son is very open with me. Even when I punish him, he quickly forgets and still comes back to talk to me.”
Teresia Omolo, a mother of two, says that being friends with your teenager is a foreign terrain that needs to be balanced. “With my firstborn, it was a bit tricky for us to have a friendship when she was a teenager. I think it is because I was not around most of the time when she was growing up. My younger sister raised her, and I have noted that she listens to my sister more than she listens to me. When I want her to do something, it is a push and pull, but it is really smooth when her aunt asks her to do something. I think this is because she developed a friendship with her aunt. I desire that we become friends,” she says about her now 21-year-old daughter, adding that with her second child, they are closer friends.
“I am closer to my younger daughter, who is now 14. I think this is because I have been more present as she was growing up. We talk and chat, and she even confides in me. She is comfortable talking to me about everything. “Recently, she asked me whether it was wrong for her to have a boyfriend,” she says excitedly.
Ms Omolo says being friends with your teenager is about maintaining a balance. “My daughters know that there is a time when I am serious, and there is a time when we can be friends. As a single mother, it sometimes gets hard to balance because you take on both roles: father and mother. You want to be caring as a friend but you also want them to be accountable and responsible, so you have to be a little dictatorial. There are different parenting styles; don’t just stick to one. We need to know at what point to be a friend and when to be a disciplinarian,” the 51-year-old tells Nation Lifestyle .
Teresia Omolo is a mother of two.
Photo credit: Dennis Onsongo | Nation Media Group
Single parents often find themselves seeking to become too friendly with their children because they feel the need to overcompensate. Esther Mumo, a psychoeducation specialist, says that this is not necessarily a bad thing as “the child’s life rotates around that one parent, and if the parent tries to create a gap, it may cause trouble. The only way to win with teenagers is to be their friends,” the 40-year-old explains.
“We are coming from a place of the traditional parenting model whereby the parent possessed the command and had all the authority. Our parents had their way. Whatever our parents said was law. As children, we were not allowed to express our frustrations or dissatisfaction. There was no bonding, no friendship. Now the challenge comes in if we enter parenting with that same mindset,” Ms Mumo says about the need to change parenting styles.
She advises that the way to win your teenager is to build friendships from a young age. “You cannot start connecting and bonding with your child when they are 13. It has to have begun right from conception. If the friendship does not begin there, it will be hard for you to establish one when they reach teenagehood. A parent coming from the traditional parenting model must be willing to change. It is impossible to expect the 8-year-old girl who used to say yes to everything you said to remain as obedient when she is a teenager.
When children enter their teenage years they experience growth and development. We have a part of the brain that is in charge of emotions and the part that is in charge of logic. During teenagehood, the prefrontal cortex in charge of logic and thinking develops slower than the limbic system which deals with emotions. So, the emotions overtake logic. This is why you see the different changes that happen to your teenagers. Teenagers command a lot of autonomy, freedom of thought and decisions. They are being governed majorly by emotions, so many teenagers are easily influenced by their peers,” Ms Okumu explains.
Teresia also notes that the school education system may cause a hindrance to the development of a friendship between a parent and their teenager. “At the age when the child is becoming aware of themselves, they are shifted off to boarding school. In school, the teachers and friends take control. That has been a challenge for me with my younger child who is in school for two to three months and comes home for only a month. This keeps the parent as a second option.”
Esther, a mother of three, says involving her children in family matters has helped nourish their friendship. She says, “We reason together, and discuss matters together, including a project that we are doing. For instance, when we were building our home, we involved them by asking them where they would want their rooms to be located. This way, they feel acknowledged and appreciated.”
Photo credit: Dennis Onsongo | Nation Media Group
Ms Mumo emphasizes model life parenting to maintain the balance with your teenagers. Please do not do what you do not want them to do. “This is determined by the value systems that govern each family.”
“As a single mother, I always ask myself, “Am I bringing up my children in the right manner? This has inspired me to take some courses majoring in marriage and relationships as I want to relate with people of all ages,” Ms Omolo shares, adding that single mothers must have a male figure present. “It does not have to be a spouse; it can even be an uncle. This will help your child experience both parents.”
Photo credit: Dennis Onsongo | Nation Media Group
Mistakes that parents make
Esther Mumo cautions parents against curtailing their children’s freedom of expression. “Don’t assume that teenagers are toddlers that you give your opinion and it will be the one that will take the day. You need to engage them and consider them as young adults. Practice conscious parenting. Conscious parenting requires that a parent shifts the focus to themselves. As parents, we are often driven to fix the child rather than ourselves. Conscious parenting tells you to look inwardly. Maybe what you are doing to your children could be a product of your trauma. So shift the spotlight to yourself and examine your psychological terrain. What have you been through? Are you parenting from a point of trauma? If you want to win the war you have to draw your teenagers closer to yourself,” she advises.
