I’m tired of my wife’s snooping ways

I am a Muslim father of seven. During my first marriage, I got five children: four boys and one girl.

At some point I became bedridden due to sickness, and for two years my wife changed completely: she started beating me and abusing me and even fought with my mother, who was assisting me.

I decided to divorce her. After we separated I took custody of my children and together with my mother, I took care of them. However, two years later my mother passed away.

I got on my feet, worked hard and even managed to take my children to good schools. After some time I got married again and got two boys with my new wife. My problem is that my (current) wife suspects that I have another wife, but I don’t.

I love her so much because she has been so good to me and my children, but she is always spying on me, though she has never found any evidence against me. I’m tired of her endless interrogation. I feel so stressed and I am no longer at ease in this marriage. Please help me before I call it quits.

READERS’ ADVICE

Your wife cannot be insecure without a cause. There must be things you are hiding from her that are making her act this way.

Examine yourself – does your behaviour and the way you use your phone arouse suspicion? A woman cannot start nagging and suspecting you of being unfaithful if there are no tell-tale signs.

For your wife to feel that something is amiss there must be some grey areas in your life that leave your faithfulness open to speculation.

Remember that where there is smoke, there is a fire, so stop burying your head in the sand and confront the issues in your marriage. As a Muslim, you are entitled to up to four wives at a time and I’m sure your wife also subscribes to this faith, so if there is anything you are hiding from your wife, open up to her now.

There is a mystery that shrouds your operations at work, in your social life and at home; do away with it and all will be well. Bonyo Benard

How often do you talk freely and candidly with your wife? Are there secrets that you are keeping from your wife? Stop acting suspiciously and your wife will stop being suspicious.

Take her out and tell her how you feel about her behaviour. Put her at ease so that she explains why she does all these things. Above all, do not give up; do everything possible to save your marriage. Nixon Mwenesi

Your wife has trust issues, but ending the marriage is not the solution. Have candid talks about this with her and be transparent in everything you do, while keeping communication lines open.

Give her a good and easy time and demonstrate your love through genuine action and not just by word of mouth, and all will be well. Juma Felix

You need to spend more time with your wife, and quality time for that matter. Women value time with their husbands. You should also avoid many out-of-town trips alone.

Also, let your wife have free access to your phone any time she wants to inspect it. Wilberforce Muoga

Problems are not solved by quitting; if that is your approach, then you will marry every woman in the world and never be satisfied. Every person has faults. Sit with your wife and ask her why she thinks you are not faithful then deal with the issues that come up from that conversation. Love is patient, so bear with your wife in her weakness. You can’t pack your bags and leave just because your wife is inquisitive. Pacifica Ogoto

Don’t quit. We, women, always suspect that our men are being unfaithful. Just talk to your wife and be open with her and show her that you are indeed faithful.

Tell her that spying on you is not helping the situation. You also need to create more time to be alone with her and pamper her – women love that. Anastasia Wandia

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

You attest that your wife is good to you and your kids, so quitting is not the answer. Secondly, there must be something that triggered her suspicion: either your social circle intimidates her or she is just going through a phase of feeling insecure.

Whatever the case, you will find the answer in candid communication.

Talk to her and establish the root cause of her insecurity and you will be one step ahead in your quest to eliminate her snooping ways.

Perhaps she just needs constant reassurance that she is the love of your life. All humans need affirmation, but some (like your wife) require it at a higher degree than others.

Next week’s dilemma

I am 27 years old and I have been married for two years now. I have a problem with my husband’s family history.

All his brothers committed adultery and divorced their first wives; some remarried more than once but none is still married to any of those wives, all due to infidelity.

It is not just my husband’s brothers who seem to have this problem; even his two sisters are divorced from their husbands, and so are his uncles and his mother.

He told me this before he married me but he assured me he will prove naysayers wrong and show that he can stick to his first wife, remain faithful to me, and not get a divorce.

However, recently I read in the papers that researchers have found that cheating/infidelity is genetic. Now I am worried that even though my husband seems to have good intentions towards me, he may still cheat because it is in his genes.

Do you think my husband will follow in the footsteps of the rest of his family and cheat on me? It seems as if his family is under a curse. Please advise me.