I have come to learn that sometimes you just need tips from a doctor to pick up the pieces and take charge of your failing sexuality. The case of Grace and Benard well illustrate this. When they visited the Sexology clinic two years ago they were at the verge of divorcing.
“I have told him that we are possibly better apart than married,” Grace said, “I feel wasted in my active years as a woman because I cannot look for sex elsewhere; I’m tied up in this useless marriage.”
Bernard did not answer. He stared in the horizon, avoiding eye contact, a clear testimony to the fact that he was quite embarrassed at the direction the discussion had taken.
The couple was in their mid-30s, had been married for five years and had one child. They had not been sexual for eight months.
“Well, sex happens between two people and when it fails both parties have made their contribution to the failure,” I said, trying to bring reason to a very emotional moment. I went ahead to explore the reasons why sex was not happening as frequently as it should be in their marriage.
“Days just pass too fast and before we realise it a month is gone without sex, we are just busy, that’s it!” Benard said with finality.
Benard, a marketer in a private company, had a demanding job. He was barely meeting his targets and his bosses were on his neck.
“The work is a lot and many times I leave the office at 8 pm and report back the next morning at 7 am,” he said. He always arrived home after 9 pm worn out and with no energy to spend on sex. He woke up at 5 am to prepare and reach the office early and there was no possibility of sex happening in the morning.
Grace, on the other hand, had a salon business. She had her busy days but more than half of the time the work was manageable and she was always home early.
“I could do with at least two rounds of sex a week,” she said, “is that asking for too much in a marriage doctor?”
I did a medical evaluation on the couple to rule out any medical causes of the sexless marriage. The examinations yielded nothing. They did not have any of the diseases associated with sexual failure such as diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol or hormone problems. I concluded that the problem was a result of an energy draining hectic lifestyle compounded with dissatisfaction in the relationship due to poor sexual performance. I booked the couple for sex therapy.
They however failed to come for their next appointment. It had been over two years and now they were back.
“We just wanted to learn how best to have sex in pregnancy because my wife has missed her periods and pregnancy test is positive,” Bernard said as he took his seat in the consultation room.
“But you defaulted on your appointments,” I said as I read through their file, memories of our first meeting rushing back to my mind.
“You know what, Bernard resigned from his job after we visited you and we relocated back to our village to do farming and our sex lives just normalised,” Grace said, “actually Benard now wants sex every day and I cannot cope.”
But truly, a hectic lifestyle is a killer of sex! If you sleep for less than six hours, for example, your body wears out and you go into sleep deprivation syndrome where your mood is always bad, you feel tired all the time and you lack vitality to have sex.
Further, the number of hours worked each day also weigh heavily on sex. Spending over eight hours each day doing mind or physically taxing jobs leave you with no energy for sex. It has been found that men with two or more formal or informal jobs that require long hours of work are unable to build the right levels of testosterone in their bodies needed for sex to happen.
Stress is the worst killer of all. Stress can arise from anywhere – in the road while driving due to traffic jams including unfriendly road users hurling insults at you; from a boss who wouldn’t just give you peace; from working and studying at the same time; from demanding relatives; or from your own spouse. Whatever the source of your stress, expect your sex life to bear the brunt because the quality of your sex life in many cases is a reflection of the quality of your life overall.
“Ok doctor, we have experienced what you are explaining firsthand in our own relationship, so we are not disputing anything,” Grace interrupted my long lecture, “just guide us now on how to have sex during pregnancy without harming our baby.”
