Let me make it clear from the start: women are not looking for men who can have penetrative sex continuously for one hour! In fact, men should desist from the myth that the length of sex defines how manly one is. There is more to satisfaction with sex than just the duration of it.
I say this because last week Juliet visited the clinic with her boyfriend, Daniel, rather distressed. They have been in a relationship for the last eight months and are planning to marry. They have been having sex frequently in the meantime.
“It was all good until recently,” Juliet explained, “he goes on and on until at some point it becomes painful.”
“I feel that the love you had for me is beginning to wane,” Daniel replied, “I have done everything to make our sex lives more fulfilling but the more effort I put the more you complain.”
Incidentally from the time the couple started having sex Daniel enrolled in a gym. He also changed his diet. He visited a doctor and asked for medicine to enlarge his penis and another to make him last long in bed.
“But we really never had a problem in bed and what you are doing now is the cause of our problems,” Juliet replied, “I cannot stand penetrative sex for one hour, it is too much.” Daniel frowned and looked at me, his body language showing disagreement with Juliet.
“I am confused, very confused! I need to be told how long sex should last because for me my understanding is that the longer the better,” he retorted.
And that is the crux of the matter. Many men are worried that they are too quick in bed without knowing what the acceptable duration of sex should be. It is a question that has disturbed couples through the ages making scientists do studies on what a satisfactory length of sex should be.
The first problem in determining the acceptable duration of sex is that it is hard to know when sex has started: would you say that it started when you sent a message during the day enticing your sex mate about the evening? Is it when you walked home to a warm welcome, a hug, a hearty meal and a glass of wine? Or could it be when you locked yourselves in a room to prepare for the eventuality?
Remember that all these activities, coupled with foreplay, bring one closer and close to achieving orgasm and in fact some people realise orgasm before penetrative sex begins.
“Let’s be realistic here doctor,” Daniel said, “what you should tell us is how long penetrative sex should last, that is what matters.”
“That’s where you go wrong,” Juliet replied, “as a woman I value those preliminaries, in fact foreplay is quite exciting; penetration is just for capping it up.”
Well, men do value penetrative sex just as much as women value romancing. A couple has to find a balance between these two that works for them. There is however no perfect duration of penetrative sex as such. There has been one study done among 500 couples to determine what an acceptable duration should be. The couples had stop watches to time the beginning and end of penetration. Results were not very helpful: some finished in less than a minute while the longest went to over 30 minutes.
All this just shows how difficult it is to determine normal duration of sex. It also shows that in the course of the action there are many variables: some people talk, others don’t; some change positions, others stick to one position to the end; some take a rest in-between, others don’t; some are too ready at the start of penetration, others get ready as the process goes on. All this determine when the end will be.
That said, and all factors kept constant, a number of couples live comfortably with a 5 to 7 minutes’ penetration. Most find a duration of less than three minutes unacceptable, making it be the cut off point for diagnosing premature ejaculation. On the other hand, going on and on for minutes on end is not always pleasurable and it reaches a point where the woman starts to feel pain. Scenarios vary but many women cannot tolerate consistent penetration for over 30 minutes, for many much fewer minutes are acceptable.
One other thing is that no couple actually pays attention to the duration of sex. You do not go to bed with someone and keep your eyes on the seconds and minutes they are taking to do their thing. You must be in the moment and get lost in it. Many people, therefore, do not even know how long they last.
So, on solving the problem of length of penetration, the best thing to do is to keep talking about it with your partner and how you feel. In case there is dissatisfaction with it, it is better to seek professional help. While exercise and good diet are important for general wellbeing, they do not necessarily solve the problem of length of penetration.
