Easter story retold with a Kenyan twist

It is exactly 5004.1 kilometres from Nairobi’s Jerusalem Estate to Jerusalem City -- fondly called the City of David by aficionados, and Google adds the very useful piece of information that it would take you 105 hours to get there driving.

The distance might be big, but to be spiritual, the Christians of Jerusalem Estate will this weekend join in spirit with fellow believers across the globe to mark the Easter weekend which begins with the tragic crucifixion of Jesus Christ on Good Friday and ends with the glorious resurrection on Easter Sunday.

The gospels have a rich recording of the events that led to the dramatic hanging on the cross and over the ages, many authors and movies, as well as documentaries have re-enacted the event.

Now suppose the scene was changed, and instead of Jerusalem City in the Middle East, Jesus’s death was to take place in Nairobi’s Jerusalem Estate and that instead of happening in the early ages, the death was to take place right now?

First, what Jesus and his band of followers would have contended with is the fact that we are in campaign season. If the twig waving, road sweeping gang -- perhaps Prophet Owuor’s followers are following this script -- was to enter Jerusalem, there would be only three roads open to them; either arrive from Uhuru Estate, Hamza, or from Kimathi Estate.

Taking any of these routes would mean running into a group of local youths shooting the breeze under trees or in kiosks, whiling away the time. A good number of them would be unemployed, thanks to Kenya’s ever-growing high unemployment rate. Okay, revise that to … some of them would be unemployable because of engaging in some ungodly behaviours.

Depending on the time of the day, a good number of the youths would be high on the new fad in town -- muguka. Some would be a bit tipsy, and I am using ‘a bit’ very conservatively, after a tot or two of the moonshine in vogue mtaani.

The first thought on the locals’ minds would be what colour of T-shirt to wear, after all, the good citizens of Jerusalem Estate, alive to the fact that we are in campaign mode would have in their wardrobes a variety of T-shirts sporting the blue, orange or yellow liveries of the Azimio or UDA brigades.

Of course, they would expect Jesus and his head of treasury, Judas -- yes the same chap who betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver was the man in charge of the finances -- to part with a few coins to grease their palms for the tough task ahead of campaigning.

They would end up crestfallen when it dawns on them that Jesus is after no political seat, but has his eyes firmly set on heavenly things. Later, Jesus would be taken to the local chief to be tried for the grave offence of claiming to be the son of God.

The chief, a decent chap by the name of Zakayo (because of his rather short stature) sees no problem with Jesus and wants him to be acquitted. Far be it removed from us, the good people of Jerusalem shout in unison.

It happens that there is a hard core local petty thief named Otty Kauzi, who has been in the cells for some days after having engaged in his favourite pastime of relieving passers-by of their phones, wallets and handbags.

Chief Zakayo gives his people a choice, because being the season of goodwill he has to let one accused free.

“Jesus or Otty?” he shouts to the swelling crowd.

“Otty Kauzi!!” they yell back, and Zakayo, despite his misgivings, orders the Administration Policemen to set Otty free.

As day turns into night, the drama continues. At one point, Peter, a member of Jesus’s kitchen cabinet, gets into a disagreement with one of the APs, gets hold of his njora and cuts off the ear of the offending policeman. Perhaps he will get to hear better, Peter tells himself.

Jesus is least amused, bends over and picks the severed ear and re-attaches it to its owner. Even this spectacular miracle does little to earn Jesus a listening from the listless crowd keen on crucifying him.

Events unravel very fast and Jesus is sent on his way to be killed. On the way, the crowd meets Simeon of Cyrene, in this case Simoo from the neighbouring Jericho Estate, and they force him to help Jesus carry the cross.

At the cross, Jesus is crucified alongside two local toughies, Njoro and Kimeu who had an extremely colourful past in muggings aka ngeta in local parlance. Njoro realises that Jesus is indeed innocent, begs for forgiveness and Jesus assures him that the very evening he would be having a five course dinner with him in heaven.

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This piece is part of a collection of Bible stories retold with a Kenyan touch called the Kenyan Bible Stories, which the author is launching next week in Nairobi.