Friendship isn't free: Lessons from a Nigerian wedding

Last weekend, I was a virtual guest at a colorful wedding in Abuja, courtesy of my friend Helen, who was an asoebi girl (a little like a bridesmaid) at the wedding.

The last time I was invited to be a bridesmaid at a wedding, I turned down the invitation and offered to contribute to and support the wedding in other ways. I find much more fulfillment in being a wedding guest than in being part of the bridal train.

Bridal parties give me the impression that these ladies have an unlimited supply of energy to dance, hype the bride and keep the wedding mood electric. I consider myself neither a good dancer nor someone blessed with seemingly endless energy. There is a certain level of "main character" energy that I believe one needs to pull off being a bridesmaid successfully.

Helen and the other asoebi girls looked radiant, energetic and excited in all the pictures and videos. Seeing them confirmed what I have always suspected: some people are born to be bridesmaids and asoebi girls, like Helen, while others, like me, are born to be wedding guests.

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But weddings excite me, and if it is a Nigerian wedding, you are in for a cultural treat. That is why on Saturday, I kept my phone on hand for all the wedding updates.

I got a front-row seat to everything, from the exquisitely done nails to the elaborate headgears and carefully selected jewellery. It was through these updates that I learnt the difference between asoebi ladies and bridesmaids. In my mind, the terms had always been interchangeable.

Helen explained that while their roles might look similar on the surface, a bridesmaid is usually someone very close to the bride. Asoebi ladies, on the other hand, could be colleagues, friends from church, members of the extended family, cousins and so on. Think of asoebi as a uniform that signals belonging to a particular circle of the bride.

And asoebi is not exclusive to weddings. The number of asoebi groups and the quality of fabric chosen for each group depend on the couple's financial circumstances, the spending power of their family and friends, and the couple's personalities. Even when people can afford an elaborate celebration, they may simply prefer something less loud and colourful.

Well, my friend is still waiting for me to pay her for teaching me this little detail of her culture.

By 5pm on Saturday, Helen was still sharing moments from the wedding, which was now at the reception and getting ready for the after-parties.

I was impressed by the high energy she was still exuding more than 24 hours after the wedding activities had started.

Walking me through the ‘back end’ of the event made me fully appreciate the extent of her sacrifice—of time, resources and energy. After a busy work week, Helen had gone straight to the venue of the bridal shower on Friday and stayed up late doing whatever they needed to do on the night before the wedding. 

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Early Saturday morning, everyone was up to prepare for the day. She could not calculate the full cost of participating in the wedding, but the items she needed included fabric, sewing and headgear (about Sh5,000), new earrings and bracelets (about Sh1,000), a pair of shoes and a purse (which she already had), and transport money (about Sh300). She opted to do her own makeup, which saved her the extra cost. She had also given a freewill monetary gift to the couple to go towards the wedding preparations. This is a tidy sum, and for many young professionals, it takes real sacrifice to spend it on a friend.

Saturday reminded me that friendship requires sacrifice in one shape or form. It is easy to be someone's friend when everything is convenient; when the only investment in the friendship is discovering a Moroccan restaurant in Nairobi that you are both curious about, taking photos and videos, and enjoying a meal together. However, when friendship demands something costlier, whether money, time or simply being present, its true depth is tested.

My friend's sacrifice challenged me. It made me think about how far I can go for my friends. Perhaps the next time I get an invitation from a close friend to be a bridesmaid, I will try to put in more effort. Maybe excuse myself from the dancing bit and push myself a little beyond my comfort zone.

The writer is the Research & Impact Editor, NMG. [email protected]