How we've weaponised compliments to keep women in their place

I recently wrote about how some women politicians allow themselves to be sexualised in public forums, participating in sexual innuendo as political rhetoric, while remaining silent when male colleagues make lewd comments about their bodies.

The more I reflected on those political scenes, the more I realised the same patterns occur everywhere: in our offices, our homes, our media and our everyday interactions. We've normalised something so insidious that we call it courtesy, politeness, even appreciation.

Picture this: You’re at a corporate event and a female CEO—brilliant, articulate, with two degrees and 15 years of experience—is introduced as someone who "lights up the room with her smile." Her male counterpart, with similar credentials, is introduced as "a strategic thinker who drives results." That moment describes something many dismiss as harmless: the reduction of a woman to her physical attributes while her intellect is rendered invisible. Same stage. Same achievements. Completely different treatment.

Catcalling women

And the crowd clapped. No one blinked. This is normal to us now.

We've perfected the art of destroying women while making it sound like praise.

You think objectification is some crude man catcalling women on the streets. But it's actually your friend saying "She's too pretty to be in the military." It's your uncle introducing your PhD sister as "the one who cooks the best chapati." It’s a journalist asking female politicians about their work-life balance, while asking male ones about their policies.

We've become so good at packaging sexism as compliments that women actually thank us for it. And that terrifies me.

Another scenario: A young woman has graduated graduation — First Class Honours in Engineering. When congratulating her, the grandfather says "Now you can find a good husband who appreciates smart women." Not "congratulations on your achievement" or "we're proud of your success." Her brain is reduced to a selling point for marriage.

She smiles and says thank you. This is how we kill dreams while pretending to celebrate them.

I know what you're thinking: "But we're just being nice!" "What's wrong with compliments?" "Don't women like being called beautiful?"

Here's what's wrong: When you consistently lead with a woman's appearance instead of her achievements, you're telling everyone watching—including her—that her looks matter more than her mind. When you praise her for "lighting up the room" instead of "driving results," you're teaching young girls that charm trumps competence.

Also read: Why advertisers should stop objectifying women

We've made women's brains the side dish and their beauty the main course. And we wonder why only 20 per cent of our boardrooms have women. Rich, poor, educated, uneducated—we've found creative ways to reduce women to their physical attributes while pretending we're being respectful.

Here's the part that should make you angry: We've made it more controversial to call out objectification than to actually objectify women. When I point this out, people get defensive. "You're being too sensitive." "It's just a compliment." "Don't be such a feminist." We've created a world where the person pointing out the problem becomes the problem.

But I'm not the problem. The problem is that we're raising a generation of girls who think their value comes from how they look, not what they can do. The problem is that we're teaching boys that women exist for their visual consumption first, their intellectual contribution second.

The problem is that we're all complicit, and most of us don't even realise it.

That brilliant woman at the corporate event? She probably built a company that employs 2,000 people and revolutionised mobile banking in the region. But we introduced her beauty first. What message does that send to the 12-year-old girl in the audience who dreams of starting her own company?  That her achievements will always be secondary to her appearance. That no matter how smart she gets, how hard she works, how much she accomplishes, people will notice her looks first. Is that really the world we want to build?

Giving compliments

I'm not asking you to stop giving compliments. I'm asking you to think about what you're complimenting. When you see a brilliant woman, lead with her brilliance. When you meet a successful entrepreneur, talk about her success. When you introduce a leader, mention her leadership.

Save the appearance compliments for appropriate moments. Her intellect deserves the spotlight in professional spaces. Because every time we reduce a woman to her looks in a boardroom, we lose a potential solution to poverty. Every time we focus on her charm instead of her competence in a lab, we might miss the cure for cancer. Every time we see her beauty before her brain, we're literally making the world a worse place.

Young women are watching these interactions. What are we teaching them? That their minds are optional accessories to their beauty? That their achievements need to be gift-wrapped in physical attractiveness to matter? That success means being palatable to male gaze first, competent second?

I refuse to accept this. And you should too. The next time you're about to compliment a woman's appearance in a professional setting, pause. Ask yourself: would you introduce a man the same way? If the answer is no, then don't do it.

Because the compliment that seems harmless to you might be the limitation that defines her entire career. And that's not a compliment. That's a crime against potential.

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