The question that made me rethink how dicey a simple greeting can be

A colleague passed by my desk recently for a short catch-up. He had not called or texted to say he was passing by, so when I looked up and saw him, I was pleasantly surprised. Like me, he enjoys writing and talking about writing. In fact, that is really all we ever talk about—and I was excited for a short dose of that before we both returned to work.

Quickly, I asked him, “How are you?” as he settled into the chair opposite my desk. I waited politely for him to answer “fine” so that we could move to the best part of the conversation. I could not wait to hear about what he was currently writing and which shocking character he had invented lately.

But he did not say anything right away. Instead, he asked if I wanted him to answer the question honestly. I was taken aback. Since when did someone sound so serious about an ordinary greeting? Nevertheless, I told him to share his thoughts.

Read: To greet or not to greet, that is the question

“You know, Daisy, I am never quite sure how to answer that question. One reason is that I do not know what someone asking ‘How are you?’ wants to know, or whether one is simply ticking a social box. The second reason I struggle to answer the question is that sometimes I am not sure what that person would do if I wasn’t fine,” he said.

I was tongue-tied. I was guilty as charged because I had really just wanted to get the greeting out of the way. What he said made me think about where my own habits around greeting began.

How often do we absentmindedly ask people how they are? Many of us were socialised to greet people as a form of courtesy rather than a meaningful check-in. It could have started from our childhoods when the crime of not greeting visitors could earn you a scolding from your parents. Now that I think about it, was there a crime bigger than someone coming home to say they met you on the road and you did not greet them?

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During my teenage years, I would avoid going home on my mother’s chama days until late in the evening. On those days, there would be a litany of guests at home—my mother’s colleagues from work or church. They would come, eat and hold conversations in the living room.

They mostly wore matching outfits and, for someone like me who suffers from face blindness, I would keep greeting and re-greeting anyone I met in the compound. I did not want anyone telling my mother that I had failed to greet them and getting me into trouble.

I grew up thinking of greeting people as a way of staying on the right side of elders. Greeting was not just polite; it was a way of showing respect. After the conversation with my colleague, I realised that my mistake was never quite transitioning in how I see the role of greeting people, particularly those in my inner circle.

Read: Etiquette points when attending virtual meetings

Going forward, I am giving myself a bigger challenge when it comes to my close friends. When I ask them how they are, I want to be more deliberate and ask in a way that creates space for an honest response.

My personal goal is to make sure my “how are you?” communicates that there is no rush—that the greeting is truly an invitation for them to share what is in their hearts and how they are, really.

My colleague and I did not talk about what he is writing or the characters he is creating. Instead, we reflected on how dicey a simple greeting can be. What we could not agree on, however, was whether asking people how they are is always a good thing.

My view was that it is okay to share if you feel comfortable with the person. After all, a problem shared is half solved. His view was different. He believes “how are you?” is a deeply loaded question that should not be asked casually.

Have you ever received a strange answer to “how are you?”

The writer is the Research & Impact Editor, NMG ([email protected]).