Two worlds, one home: How men are rethinking caregiving

Brian Onserio has three children, including a set of twins. His eldest is six years old; the twins are about to turn one.

He lives in Nakuru, where he works, while his wife remains in the village managing their farm. With such young children, Brian falls into the category of families with the heaviest caregiving responsibilities, given how much his children depend on their parents.

His situation spans three settings: an urban environment where he is employed, a rural one where his wife lives, and a rural-urban marriage arrangement in which responsibilities are shared by mutual understanding.

Where, then, does Brian fall on the caregiving spectrum?

"You see, my wife is a human being just like I am," he says when asked about his role at home.

"Let me give an example. When my wife delivered, she had complications. I had to take leave from work to take care of her for a month. I didn't do what I see others do, bring in a sister or their mother, because they are busy elsewhere."

The urban influence

Having lived in Nakuru City for nearly a decade, Brian says he has learnt that strictly adhering to socially prescribed roles, where a man is the provider and a woman is solely responsible for childcare, creates tension at home.

"I grew up in the village, and I know the way people can shout at a husband if they see him carrying water," he recalls.

"Last month, I went home and found a huge pile of dirty clothes. You know what I did? I fetched water from the well, took the clothes outside and started washing them. The young boys and girls who saw me called others to come and look. They mocked me: 'Onserio, are you mad? What kind of spirit has taken over you?' I just laughed and continued washing."

He admits he was raised believing that men and women have specific roles in marriage, but exposure to urban life shifted his thinking. He saw men employed as domestic workers, husbands driving their wives to hospital, and fathers picking their children up from school.

"That's when I thought, 'Oh, so we village people are far behind. Has a man who does that stopped being a man?' No," he says.

He is quick to add, however, that if helping with caregiving becomes a tool for control, he would push back.

"This is about love and caring for one another. It is not about making the husband feel like he is not doing enough. It should come from the heart, not coercion, competition or conflict between spouses," he says.

In his case, urban life exposed him to more egalitarian values, which may help explain why data shows that disparities in unpaid care work, which tend to disadvantage women, are more pronounced in rural areas than in urban ones.

According to the Kenya National Bureau of Statistics, women in Kenya spend an average of five hours per day on unpaid domestic and care work, compared to just one hour for men. Across both sexes, the average is three hours per day. This imbalance cuts across all age groups and is even more pronounced in rural areas.

Why rural men lag behind

This was the reality for Calvins Songa from Kodiera Village in Ndhiwa Sub-County, Homa Bay County. Despite having three children who needed his attention, deeply entrenched socio-cultural beliefs led him to view caregiving, even bathing his own children, as inappropriate for a man.

That changed last year, when he turned 27. Not because of any external force, but because he came to realise he had been misled for years. Helping his wife, he discovered, did not make him less of a man. It made him happier and strengthened his family.

Research supports this. A 2018 study by the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) and Promundo found that fathers who engage in unpaid care work feel more emotionally connected to their partners and children, leading to happier and longer lives, despite societal resistance.

For Calvins, change came after he attended training organised by a non-governmental organisation, which led to the formation of a 10-member group, Kodiera Visionary Male Caregivers. The group meets weekly to share progress and encourage one another.

His wife, Mevaline Vidah, says the difference has been transformative.

"When I leave for work early in the morning, I no longer worry about my daughter, now two years old," she says. "By the time I come back, I find the house clean, the utensils washed, and my daughter bathed and fed."

Often, she returns to an even more welcome sight.

"I usually find him playing happily with her," she says with a smile.

"That makes me very happy, and I fall even more in love with him."

Calvins has not been spared criticism, though. "Some people laugh when they see him washing utensils," Mevaline says.

"They say, 'Huyu baba mwanamke wake amemshinda' (This man has been henpecked). But I say, 'It is love.'"

Generally, three main factors discourage men from participating in unpaid care work, according to UNFPA and Promundo.

What studies have established

Research points to different drivers influencing men's participation in care work across urban and rural settings.

In post-war northern Uganda, a 2021 study found that men shifted their attitudes partly because the improved efficiency that came from contributing to household work, and partly because tasks had modernised, such as using bicycles to fetch water. In rural areas of Burundi and Rwanda, economic insecurity, including unemployment and high-risk migration, has also pushed men to take on more household responsibilities.

In Kenya, a 2019 Oxfam study conducted in Nairobi's informal settlements found that men who were taught to cook or care for children during their own childhoods, or who observed their fathers doing so, were more likely to participate in caregiving as adults. These findings suggest that early exposure and role modelling play a significant part in shaping attitudes over time.

Kenya's National Care Policy, endorsed by the Cabinet last year, envisions a society where men recognise the burden of unpaid care work and take steps to reduce it through redistribution and, where possible, mechanisation.

The economic case for sharing the load

Before her husband began sharing responsibilities, Mevaline's days were long and exhausting. She handled all domestic work before heading to her green grocery stall in Kodiera shopping centre, often arriving as late as 2pm. At work, she juggled serving customers while caring for her baby.

"By 7pm, I would be completely exhausted," she says. "My chest would hurt, and my baby would cry often."

Things changed once her husband began helping more actively. On days he finishes work early, he collects their daughter from the stall and takes her home, freeing Mevaline to concentrate on her business.

"On average, I make about Sh300 in profit a day," she says. "But when he comes early, I can make up to Sh500. And when I leave earlier, around 10am, I can make as much as Sh1,000."

For Calvins, caregiving is now simply part of his daily routine. "I leave for work at 8am and return before 6pm," he says. "On my way home, I pick Tashley, prepare food, feed her and spend time with her."

Their shared approach has also strengthened their finances.

"I work as a transport assistant within Homa Bay and earn about Sh600 on a normal day. We now sit down together and decide how to use our money," he says.

"We have bought household items and even purchased a sheep together."

He has also started a small poultry venture, currently keeping 13 indigenous chickens.

How change happens

Experts say meaningful change begins with understanding the different social dynamics at play in urban and rural settings.

Purity Jebor, gender justice and women's rights programme officer at Oxfam Kenya, says the approach needs to be gradual and never imposed. "We are doing it progressively," she says, adding that men must feel that their time is also valued. The approach favours dialogue over confrontation, using tools such as household time-use surveys to prompt reflection. "We have seen men shocked to realise how much time their wives spend on care work," she says.

The broader goal is to promote shared responsibility while linking caregiving to wider outcomes such as economic empowerment and reduced gender-based violence.

Mary Ochieng, project coordinator for the Strengthening Partnerships for Nurturing Care project at ChildFund Kenya, says caregiving remains a challenge even in urban areas, where it is often treated as a private matter. "Affordable and reliable childcare is not always available," she says. She advocates for structural solutions such as child-friendly workplaces and community-based childcare models.

"Caregiving must be recognised as a shared family responsibility and as a critical component of national development," she says.

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