Why I refused to move in with a man whose family I had never met
A couple that has differed on marriage introduction to both sides of the family.
What you need to know:
- Research shows family introductions strengthen relationships and lower depression, but many couples still live as strangers.
- A personal experience reveals why meeting a partner’s family remains a non-negotiable step before commitment.
A group of people inspires dread and admiration from me in equal measure. These people are courageous enough to live with partners whose homes they do not know! Like you do not know where this person comes from, who his or her people are, but you are bold enough to live with them? With that level of courage, I think such people can fight the biggest enemies of this country from the frontline!
On Monday at the main editorial planning meeting, the Gender desk pitched a story that captured my imagination a bit more than the other dockets. The feature was based on a report that said women whose partners formally introduce them to family are shielded from depression by 60 per cent. I nodded as the pitching was going on and said to myself “but of course”, until I realised what that report meant was that there are women and men who live (for years) with partners who have not formally introduced them to their families! The research, which was done by African Population and Health Research Centre, also found that introductions, family engagements and reverse dowry negotiations strengthened family ties, which is hardly surprising.
The findings took me back to an experience that cemented my own views on the importance of knowing the people behind the person you love. About four years ago, I was starting to like a certain guy. One day he told me I needed to move in with him. I think I was too shocked to ask why but he told me anyway – something about us starting to get used to each other. When I eventually gathered my breath, I asked him why he wanted us to move in together because up until that point, I had not indicated any desire to do so because we were not married.
I wondered if he was implying that he was ready for us to formally begin the process of getting married. But no, the guy wanted us to move in together then when I get pregnant he will go to my parent’s house and marry me! I do not know if that is how they marry in his village, but I was certain that was not how it is done where I come from.
Assuming I agreed to his proposal and moved into his house, who would I have said I am living with? The first reason I declined and effectively ended the relationship is straight from the movies but totally plausible. The man could be a ghost for all I know! You have seen those movies where a woman locates the man’s family after many years only to be told, “he died a long time ago, that is his grave!” I know that sounds quite melodramatic, but if you live in Kenya, you know that life is melodramatic! So I have to meet your people to confirm that you are a real human being existing in the same time and space as me.
The second reason is that it is too much of a risk for me to live with someone my parents have not met for accountability. I of all people should know that there are no guarantees in life. However, anything that depends on me, I will do. For example, meeting the family of the person I hope to marry formally is something that is within my control!
When I was 17, my aunt, Carol, received a call. I was sitting next to her, watching a movie. The caller turned out to be the girlfriend of one of my relatives who had just given birth. The reason she called my aunt was that she was the only contact of his that she had, and she needed to know the family name so she could put it on the child’s birth certificate. According to the girl, she had not seen the guy since her fourth month of pregnancy and his phone number was not going through.
I remember being struck by the young mother's distress, and how vulnerable she was because she knew so little about the man she had trusted. After the phone call, my aunt gave me a short lecture about all the important details I must know about a man before I call him my husband. Perhaps that is where this particular life lesson truly began.
But I am curious: Would you live with a man or woman whose people you do not know? If your answer is yes, I would love to understand what gives you that level of confidence.
The writer is the Research & Impact Editor, NMG ([email protected]).
