The hustler government presents its compliments to the Housing and Urban Development Principal Secretary Charles Hinga, and has the honour to refer to the meet-the-press session on Wednesday May 24, 2023 at State House Nairobi, where all the laws of perspiration and photosynthesis were broken in an attempt to rewrite government policy on public participation.
The government has a longstanding tradition of recruiting highly competent public intellectuals from refined professional backgrounds, most of whom have worked in the diaspora and only see poverty on television, because they’re best placed to write spotlessly clean government policy copied from urban development books written in dreamland.
We are proud of Mr Hinga for using innovative approaches in his State House presentation this week to capture the attention of his fellow hustlers to our recommendations in the Finance Bill 2023.
We have checked our records and found that since independence, no government officer has been pictured invoking the power of dripping body sweat and uncoordinated hand movements to explain simple terminologies that do not make sense even to those making those animated proposals.
Since we took office eight months ago, we have gone out of our way to demonstrate to all civil servants that this will be the easiest government to represent because we have the hustlers’ interests at heart.
Defending the hustler government does not require officers to speak from a position of fact or practicality, it only needs one to walk up to the podium with a giant piece of absorbent cloth before sweating out or tearing their way into public empathy.
We are proud of Mr Hinga for setting a good example for all civil servants to emulate. From today onwards, we want to see anyone who still believes in the goodness of the hustler government come out and shed tears in defending us from our competitors who don’t believe in God.
We want to see them go to TV talk shows carrying snow-white face towels to wipe away tears whenever questions become hotter than the current cost of living, in solidarity with hustlers who hawk handkerchiefs, face towels and false promises.
Until Mr Hinga went public with his unconventional methods to convince Kenyans to buy government snake oil, which cures slum-living, government officers have previously used the big stick to beat down those with noisy contrary views.
For a long time, Kenyans were fearful of raising their hand against government policy for fear of getting struck off the list of government shareholders that the DP keeps revising every day depending on which side of Mt Kenya he faced while waking up in the morning.
However, this week, Mr Hinga has broken the glass ceiling by appealing to the emotional side of the public with his sweetheart housing deal, which even broke hustlers cannot refuse because the President said they have no other choice.
The innovative approach by Mr Hinga worked magic, and all the comments from his comical presentation had the emoji depicting laughter while rolling on the floor.
We, therefore, conclude that Mr Hinga managed to convince hustlers to allow the government bleed their pockets for money they don’t have. We now know what hustlers want, and we promise to send Mr Hinga again to tickle you while KRA officers work on your pockets. This is the win-win taxpaying formula that has evaded government since independence.
The hustler government also wishes to extend their appreciation to Mr Hinga for breaking down the Finance Bill 2023 into a language hustlers can understand, without asking them to pay school fees. Helping poor people is often a thankless job – ask Jesus Christ; who came to save the world from ignorance, only to end up on a wooden pillar bleeding from nail injuries and a punctured ribcage.
Mr Hinga is not even one-tenth of who Jesus Christ was, yet no hustler has called to inquire from carpenters how much his cross would cost without wood and nail tax. This means hustlers are satisfied with his sweetheart deal for housing that they will occupy in heaven. All this convincing was done without coercion, intimidation or blackmail – just blood, sweat and tears; and a big white handkerchief.
When we summoned him to State House this week to justify why he should continue enjoying taxpayer’s money when the Housing Fund was receiving a backlash, he answered the call to do the Lord’s work at a time when some of his colleagues are resigning for being forced to say politically incorrect things just to keep their jobs. For the pain he went through knocking down a glass of water at State House, he has passed the grovelling test and will soon receive an A for Effort in his end-of-term report form during the next performance contracting review.
This stellar performance did not come easy. He literally bent backwards to defend the housing plan. For the first time, a hustler government official has managed to confuse Kenyans by neither speaking in tongues nor scaring them with big words to remind them they did not go to school.
He chose to ask God to send a thick layer of sweat as a heavenly sign that he was indeed doing the Lord’s work and the evidence was the white handkerchief that kept landing on his perspiring face.
After that spirited show defending the rights of hustlers to decent shelter, we have asked the Guinness Books of World Records to advise on whether there has been a government official, anywhere in the world, who has ever fought a glass of water in public and won.
