The hustler government is concerned about the number of Kenyans calling our offices to enquire whether someone high up the food chain opened the window for government employees to start engaging in corruption, for as long as they agree with those who want their jobs not to snitch on them.
We wish to remind all civil servants that it is not scientifically possible to eat public money without developing gastric complications that may lead to nightmares every time a call comes through on your smartphone.
We have taken this earliest opportunity to reassure all civil servants that there’s no reason to panic regarding this week’s long axe that fell on officers in Kemsa, Kebs, KRA, Kenya police, DCI and the AFA.
Those accusing us of abandoning the hustlers who helped us win last year’s elections should be reminded that it was God who elected this government and no human should take credit for the fruits of God’s labour, as doing so might attract a curse to our government, at a time when our hands are already full with babysitting intercessors joining our competitors in threatening to put sufurias on their heads if we do not adopt a civil service recruitment policy that looks like a rainbow.
We wish to state that given the choice between fearing the Almighty God and fearing sons of freedom fighters, we will pray to our everlasting God who neither sleeps late nor wakes up at 5am to take pictures of His busy desk in heaven.
Indeed, it would be a tragedy bordering on betrayal for anyone in the hustler government to disown God who supported us to win the 2022 elections against the wishes of our competitors who wanted to send us to go rot in Kamiti. We are aware that recent policy actions by some government agencies may have sent negative signals towards affirming our loyalty to God.
However, the latest rounding up of servants of God and locking their bank accounts are only meant to test the Biblical prophecy that no living human being can beat the 40 days and 40 nights fasting record set by Jesus in Mathew 4:2.
On the small matter of the Kemsa rodents who were caught with mosquito nets in their mouths, the hustler government wishes to dispel the rumours doing the rounds that we fumbled the Global Fund mosquito net tender because the tender would have harmed mosquitoes who are working with us to distract hustlers with background noise as we raid their pockets for more taxes.
While we can neither confirm nor deny that procurement experts have advised us that mosquitoes offer the lowest bid and highest returns among the firms seeking to wake up taxpayers who sleep soundly when they should be helping the government collect more taxes, we wish to categorically state that the hustler government does not support the aggressive manner in which mosquitoes would have gone about harassing taxpayers.
Kenyan hustlers are already getting nightmares from auctioneers calling to ask for the gate to be opened, and supporting mosquitoes to terrorise them further would lead to a mental health pandemic, which we are not ready to deal with.
Second, the Ministry of Health officials who dipped their hands in the mosquito tender have since been diagnosed with government Malaria, and have been relieved of their duties to focus on recovery, without infecting their colleagues who have been recalled to return to the office with brooms and soap to wash the Kemsa offices of evil spirits that have been laying eggs since they left in 2021 to go work from home.
We have taken the drastic step to fire all those in the Kemsa food chain hoping this will serve as a warning to their replacements to observe table manners next time they unfurl their cutlery from the napkins on the government table. The hustler government is keen to monitor all hustlers we gave jobs with the aim of ensuring they observe etiquette in front of our global donors.
From today onwards, no government officer will be allowed to do the following; speak with food in their mouths, take photos of their food for their Instagram fans, pick another bolus of steak while still chewing the previous mound, and the most punishable of all; outpace fellow diners even if the eating is on the last lap. These regulations take effect immediately, and shall be observed without fear of sons of Mau Mau or favouring those who pray before planting tree seedlings.
When we promised hustlers that we will shake up the way civil servants interact with taxpayers’ money, many of our critics who do not believe in God did not give us a chance. They accused us of weaponising the Bible to silence dissenting voices and went ahead to predict that ours will be the worst government in the history of Kenya when it comes to fighting endemic sleaze.
While we are under no obligation to prove ourselves to anyone since we already did so in the 2022 elections, we decided to crack the whip on those salivating for Kemsa tenders to prove to fellow hustlers that children of nobodies, who previously had no godfather in government, can also fire children of dynasty without any witchdoctor placing their passport photo over a smoking pot of green envy.
For those saying we should stop talking too much and let our actions speak for themselves, we would love to confirm that we have checked with communication strategists who have confirmed that action is yet to develop the minimum range of vocal cords required to speak on its own.
We welcome any second opinion especially from ear, nose and throat (ENT) experts who depend on this field for their daily bread.
While we promise not to adjust their budget downwards if they do not rule in our favour, we are encouraged to learn that they live in Kenya and have been witnessing the fate of the election promises we made to our hustlers during last year’s campaigns.
