The hustler government would like to inform all Kenyans that we have received anonymous calls from strange numbers, threatening us with bad things if we dare pass the Finance Bill 2024 currently undergoing revision by the National Assembly Finance and Planning Committee.
Ordinarily, we would have spoken to our Emirati friends to gift us another private jet to go enjoy public money in faraway lands and leave you in the hands of villagers idling around the mountain watching paint dry.
Instead, we have chosen to respond to your torrential threats, because our government promised to meet all Kenyans halfway at their greatest hour of need, and we intend not to renege on this pre-election promise by responding to your boiling rage with another tax on hot water.
To begin with, and as a reaction to your overwhelming concerns, the hustler government has instructed Members of Parliament (MPs) allied to the Kenya Kwanza coalition to spend quality time with health experts during this extended weekend with a view of coming up with amendments to the Finance Bill 2024 that will encourage Kenyans to spend less time on their mobile phones and spend more time with their families.
When we took office less than two years ago, one of our social campaign pillars was our promise to revamp the family institution that was under threat of collapse and return it to its lost glory when fathers used to come back home straight from the office to spend more time with their children.
We intend to be the government that cares for the sacred institution of the family, fully recognising the role the family plays in grounding our children in the way of the Lord — without the family there would be no responsible community to take care of widows and orphansthe-art umbrella at State House, Nairobi.
Due to the urgent need to bring back all Kenyan men to spend more time with their families, we have instructed Kenya Kwanza MPs to come up with amendments to the Finance Bill 2024 that will discourage Kenyan men from spending too much time in bars and other liquor dispensing points of sale.
However, if they insist to pass by a social place every evening due to the toxicity of conditions at home, we encourage Kenya Kwanza MPs to meet them halfway by coming up with tax measures that siphons the remaining balance on their pay slips so they could mingle with other Kenyan men on their evening walk home.
As a hustler government, we believe that a problem shared is half solved, and this is why we would not want to interfere with the ability of Kenyan men to meet after work to share their marital problems.
This is precisely the reason why we have instructed Kenya Kwanza MPs to come up with amendments proposing tax measures to help wean them off alcohol abuse.
Furthermore, our independent analysis also found that Kenyans have been busy on their phones this past week harassing their MPs because the increasing state of joblessness has given them more time on their hands.
Unknown to them, health experts who came to the Finance Bill 2024 public hearings informed us that studies have found a correlation between exposure to mobile phones and increase in patients checking into hospital with migraines, fertility problems, cell damage and cancerous tumours.
By bending backwards to lean on the necks of their MPs, Kenyans are not only hurting their spinal cords but are also impairing their sense of vision.
For a long time, Kenyans have accused the hustler government of turning a deaf ear to the technical advice of experts. We promise that we have listened to you, and decided that this trend ends today.
Beginning next week, Kenya Kwanza MPs have been advised to be on the frontline to protect the health of Kenyans by coming up with tax measures that will discourage the extended use of mobile phones.
It is our sincere belief that Kenyans are waiting to hear further amendments to the Finance Bill 2024 that will make it expensive to call or send text messages to their MPs, and instead come up with tax proposals that will make it cheaper to meet their MPs physically.
As a hustler government, we believe, that by further bleeding the pay slips of those in formal employment to a point of no return, Kenyans will finally recognise the role of spirituality in their lives, by returning to God and repenting for their sins.
For a long time, we have watched the growth of idolatry in the name of being woke creeping in the cultural fabric and threatening to damage the moral compass of our nation.
This worrying trend can only be reversed by calling your MP to pass the Finance Bill 2024 in its current form, at the very least.
By taxing Kenyans to death, we are doing the Lord’s work of returning the country back to the body of Christ as was commanded of us by the scriptures, hoping that Kenyans will stop crying in the name of our God chosen president and cry to their God directly.
On behalf of our God-chosen president who is currently sipping public money in Italy as he revises his book of lies, we are pleased to inform all Kenyans who have reached out to us to consider their grievances on the Finance Bill 2024.
Just as we promised you at the Kasarani Stadium that we will bring down the cost of living with the Bible, rest assured that we will come up with another convincing promise just to make it good.
