We welcome all Kenyan hustlers to the KICC for ideas on how to eat cake

The hustler government, through its National Assembly branch, hereby invite all hustlers to a public participation forum on Monday, June 10, 2024, at the Kenyatta International Convention Centre (KICC).

We have done this honourable gesture because we need more ideas to incorporate into our Finance Bill 2024, since we have been receiving a lot of noise that the ones we have published are not enough to siphon the money from the pockets of hustlers to finance the trips for our God chosen president to go take photos at a studio near him.

Hustlers coming to the KICC from far-flung areas are notified to start their great trek this morning, because the country is too broke to pay for their transport since all the taxes we collected last year was not enough to dredge a multimillion modern pavilion at State House and keep our prayer warriors praying for rain and spraying anointing oil to our police officers going to greet gang lords in Haiti.

Hustlers trekking from Chepareria in West Pokot are encouraged to stop for a water break in Kitale town as they wait for their friends coming from Kalokol in Turkana County so they can walk in marginalized groups to make it easier for highway patrol police to extract toll fees in groups as it is way cheaper and faster than if it was to be done individually.

The same travel advisory also applies to hustlers climbing up from down south in Lunga Lunga to use the shortcut via Ndavaya through to Chigombero as they will find their colleagues coming from Kilifi through Bamba waiting for them at Maji ya Chumvi bus stage. 

On behalf of the hustler government, we would like to inform all Kenyans that we have been forced to revise our previous eating policy of biting more than you can chew to biting what you can chew, after several complaints from dental practitioners across the country reporting that there has been a meteoric increase in the number of Kenyans making inquiries about teeth braces; with the most affected government unit being the Kenya Police. 

Definition of bribery

The hustler government would like to inform all Kenyans making their way to Nairobi for the public hearings on Monday to also remember to carry with them money for food and accommodation, as the government will neither reimburse them transport nor provide meals at the venue.

We have been informed by those who monitor corruption that the definition of bribery is not limited to inserting a Sh1000 note in your application letter to increase your chances of being shortlisted for an interview in the civil service, but it also extends to buying food for those coming to give you ideas on the best ways to milk a cow whose udders are drier than Mama Mboga’s wallet.

The hustler government have also been made aware that there are groups of Kenyans who have already arrived in Nairobi to acclimatize themselves with the venue and also get time to take pictures at Nairobi’s iconic sites and sounds that they previously only saw on television.

On behalf of the Nairobi City County Governor who has been busy rinsing his mouth with his opponents in the Nairobi Branch elections, we would like to wholeheartedly welcome all local tourists to the ninth wonder of the urban development world.

Do not forget to visit our Mathare demonstration site where we are showcasing how to evict people from their homes by shooting straight into their hearts like a cupid.

Our visitors who may not manage to make it to Mathare due to weak limbs and dry pockets are advised not to worry, since we also ensured they would not be left behind in soaking in the greatness of the mother city – that is where Gikomba demolitions come in.

Tax on loaves of bread

At Gikomba, right here under your noses along Landhies Road, you will meet former vegetable vendors holding kangaroo prayer gatherings crying to the Lord why He has forsaken them barely two years after wearing yellow aprons and celebrating how they will no longer share their loaves with sons and daughters of dynasty.

While we can neither confirm nor deny that this premature celebrations might be the motivation behind slapping a tax on loaves of bread in the Finance Bill 2024, we would like to inform all our local tourists not to forget to carry white handkerchiefs during their tour of Gikomba market for victims of the demolitions to autograph their tears.

There will be a basket going round in the heaps of prayer gatherings at Gikomba market that we have set-up for our local tourists during their brief stay in the city.

If you come across the offertory baskets, do not fear opening your wallet in public and dropping a few notes to pay for the tears on your handkerchiefs. 

Tourists who desire to prank the police officers with an overhead kick are advised to see us behind the tent for us to prep them in advance before they remove their phones for Tiktok clout.

The Kenya Police exists to serve all Kenyans without fear of money so those who are afraid of gifting the police on duty should take a cue from the friends of our God-chosen president who came through for him when he was broke and wanted to travel to the United States of America to go bounce on President Biden’s chair.

All in all, the hustler government, through our arm in Parliament, wishes to welcome all trekking hustlers to the KICC on Monday to tell us which one of their organs have not yet been kicked by our tax police.

The hustler government is a listening government and we promise to finish the journey we started together in 2022 when you came out in large numbers to take an oath that you will die for us.

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