State House be open for all hustlers to take photos

The Office of the President is aware of media reports accusing our Chief Hustler of turning State House into a marketplace for opposition MPs to harvest from where they did not plough.

While we can neither confirm nor deny that State House has contracted the services of an auctioneering firm specialising in disposing of political goods, we have since requested our official photographer to blur the faces of those coming in for asset disposal; because security experts have reminded us that taking photos of State House is still prohibited.

We have taken these drastic steps to protect the identity of our visitors whose only crime is proving to their constituents that they’re indeed in Nairobi looking for a place to eat and will call them back later, and not in the villages hiding from their faces.

Any voter lynching their MP for showing political bromance with the President, therefore, has been reminded there are only three days left to also find someone who can make them happy — waende waskie vibaya na huko.

Dignity package

When we went around the country campaigning for improved living conditions for all hustlers in Kenya, we were categorical that our dignity package would be non-discriminatory.

Anyone baying for the blood of their MP for looking for a better life for themselves has, therefore, not read our Hustler Manifesto and should feel embarrassed sharing the same God with us.

Those opposition MPs who visited State House have earned all the rights to be awarded the Medal of Valour.

While other leaders would have sent their constituents to check if manna had started falling at State House and bring back the word, these brave ones opted to scale high walls and treacherous slopes to go find out on their own; and had State House security considered them trespassers and sprayed them with lead pellets, they would have put their bodies on the line in the quest to find a lasting solution to the perennial challenge of food security.

When we said those who did not vote for us do not believe in God, you threw all manner of farm tools in our direction accusing us of using the name of God to manipulate gullible hustlers. We now know that threatening God-chosen leaders with bad things is against the teachings of the Holy Book.

The Bible says in 1 Timothy 5:8 that, “anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than a nonbeliever.”

It’s pointless, therefore, for members of the opposition to give their MPs Malaria symptoms when they already learnt from biology that they have no blood relations with mosquitoes.

Ignore calls

The hustler government takes this earliest opportunity to urge members of the opposition to climb down from their angry demands and consider having a cold shower, instead. Saving electricity is not only good for their pockets but better for their optimal body function too.

We also wish to encourage opposition MPs to ignore incessant calls for them to dissolve their seats and face their voters again on the UDA Party if they’re men enough.

As far as we know, State House isn’t a gazetted cultural ground where men undergo rites of passage to become men enough. Any voter who would like their MP to prove their manhood is encouraged to visit them privately and ask to be shown things not related to CDF.

As for those hustlers who voted for us and are wondering what happened to our pledge to reward our loyalists first, we would like to remind them that voting ended five months ago, and everyone should now be back to work.

We’re busy shakings hands with those who don’t believe in God hoping the anointing oil will rub off and convert them back to Christ. In the Hustler Government, we’re all called to do the Lord’s work; because no one will be jobless in heaven.

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