An empty Kenyatta Avenue in Nairobi. Many business in the city and other major urban centres in the country had remained closed in July due to protests against the high cost of living.
| Lucy Wanjiru | Nation Media GroupOur Columnists
Premium
State of the Nation address to all hustlers asking where their government has been
Fellow Kenyans,
We have made the decision to face all hustlers in Kenya today, because many of you have been asking why we’ve been hibernating from the public when the cost of living has been slapping you like that former Governor we will not name due to the sensitivity of this matter.
We have since tried to look into our archives of the things we said to get elected into office and we can confirm that we only promised to protect hustlers from harassment by George Kinoti and his men, and since we fulfilled our promise of firing him first thing on taking office, we did not know that the man had slowly sneaked back into active service to make our government look bad.
The hustler government wishes to assure all our supporters that we are gravely concerned by the things we have been reading on social media about the inability of Kenyans to afford a decent meal.
In our mind of minds, we had thought that we had finished our job of resuscitating the economy when we sold you fertiliser that was donated to us for you to be busy in your farms when our competitors who don’t believe in God were on the streets wearing cylindrical aluminium tins on their heads and calling on their friends to make noise.
We would like to take this early opportunity to unreservedly apologise to all farmers who resold the subsidised fertiliser in order to afford a decent meal they previously only heard in our campaign speeches.
While it was never our intention to give you stones when all you asked for was bread, we had imagined that since the bare minimum requirement to be a government shareholder was to be able to pray for salty borehole water in Karen to turn into crisp drinking water, all those who received the subsidised fertiliser but needed food instead would have picked the cue from our State House intercessors and converted the acidic pebbles into bread pellets.
Now that you’ve made us aware that what we’ve been preaching on the pulpit is not the real situation on the ground, we hereby wish to inform all hustlers that since the current high cost of living has also interfered with their faith in God, we have made the decision, through the office of faith diplomacy, to invite Benny Hinn for a nationwide tour to come pray for hustlers who have been vehemently renouncing their 2022 political choices.
While we can neither confirm nor deny that the tour will be sponsored by all taxpayers who need divine intervention, we promise to allow government officials who’ve been speaking in tongues to join his long entourage, just to make the pain good.
This coming Tuesday, the hustler government also wishes to inform all hustlers after that after the public outcry that met the last review, we have made the painful decision to announce new fuel prices for the 30-day period going into the festive season.
Those hustlers planning to make the annual pilgrimage back to their villages are reminded to take this early warning signal and run to their nearest petrol station to fill their tanks before Tuesday, because we don’t want you to accuse us that we didn’t warn you that freedom is coming next week.
For a long time, the hustler government has been blamed for increasing the cost of living without due regard to the constitutional requirement of public participation. This week, when we sent the Cabinet Secretary for Energy to blame Israel and Hamas for the escalating food and basic commodity prices, hustlers met him with open hostility asking tough questions that even the ChatGPT that we installed in our answering machines refused to help us decode.
We do not know whether Uhuru Kenyatta and Azimio are sponsoring this recent backlash we have been facing from hustlers who are demanding for our heads on a plate, but we’d like to assure families of government officials not to take the negative comments they’re reading on social media to heart, because the government will handsomely compensate your mental health status with borrowed money we’ve been promised by IMF and World Bank.
And to those UDA MPs who came to the State House meeting this week and asked what we’re going to do with the high cost of living since it’s causing them unpopularity back home, we’d like to remind them that the Kenya Kwanza government did not, in our manifesto, make a promise to any politician that we shall help them get reelected into office in exchange for supporting the government.
As such, anyone looking to blame the hustler government for losing their seats in 2027 should know that the hustler government promised to return Kenya back to family values, and we’d be happy to reunite all Kenya Kwanza MPs with their loved ones whom they’ve not been spending time with during the time they were busy helping the government become unpopular on the ground.
While we did not ignite the war between Israel and Hamas as to cause the prices of fuel to take matters in their own hands, the hustler government wishes to send a goodwill message to all Africans at home in our continent and beyond, that as the next Kwame Nkrummah, our favourite God chosen president will release another statement in solidarity with outsiders who have been affected by the brutal bombardment along the Gaza strip.
Those at home in Kenya asking when we shall release a statement on the renewed banditry in the North Rift and the El Nino rains that we promised will never come, are being advised to go to church tomorrow and pray for their fortunes to change for the better, instead of disturbing the government in their sleep.
As for the government shareholders who’ve been accusing us of abandoning The Plan we had to improve their living condition from the bottom-up, we’d like to take this golden opportunity to remind them that this government was chosen by God and only God can judge us. The Bible says in the Book of James 4:12, “There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?”
While we recognise that the hustler government has not been close enough to you to qualify to be your neighbour as to fit in the scripture above, we’d like to remind all hustlers that the god chosen government is led by the all-knowing, omnipresent honest men and prayerful women who are always with you where you live even when you don’t see us with your naked eye, because just like the God of Israel who is formless and moves in spirit, we neither sleep nor drink alcohol, unlike our competitors who were born with a bottle in their mouths.
