The hustler government wishes to send its message of appreciation to all Kenyans who braved the current high cost of living to buy unlimited internet bundles in order to watch His Majesty King Charles III and Her Majesty Queen Camilla breeze past the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport (JKIA) Customs Office without having their travelling bags marked with a permanent chalk bearing the demolition sign often used by the National Construction Authority on condemned buildings.
On behalf of our God chosen president who neither drinks things made from the hands of man nor sleeps early like a holidaying CBC teacher, we would like to send a message of gratitude to all hustlers for showing our majesties that nothing has changed since their grandfathers left us alone to fight each other along tribal lines.
One day we shall all gather by the river to remind God to save our gracious King, so that he can live long to see Kenya become a British government outpost again.
Indeed, it would be an act of national embarrassment had our Kenya Revenue Authority (KRA) customs officers decided to take revenge on behalf of the Mau Mau war veterans and given the King and Queen the same treatment the KRA have been giving ordinary travellers passing through the JKIA after believing the videos Magical Kenya put out there to magnetise those who only see our tourist attraction sites on YouTube.
The hustler government may be short on foreign currency reserves and could desperately need outsiders coming in to help us sit on the US Dollar to be down to earth, but that does not mean we abandon our culture of extortion that has shot us to global fame.
Whoever feels the need to come spend their pocket money in Kenya will be given visa-free entry to the world’s capital of Something Small, hoping they won’t be loud about their experience when they return home.
Based on the special treatment the King and Queen were accorded by KRA customs officers at JKIA, and considering Their Majesties have left with Kenya’s image without bruise, the hustler government has since instructed the Kenya Airports Authority to find the ingenious customs officer who called off what would have been the most pitiless screening of the Royal Airforce jet had the KRA personnel on duty that night played like themselves. Had the KRA custom officials confiscated the Royal Crown for tax computation as they’ve done for every traveller passing through our air-hub, right now Kenya would’ve been like the Gaza strip, leaving us to shake like a leaf since we wouldn’t have had decent shelter to warm up under the El Nino rains.
On behalf of the hustler nation which helped the Almighty God in deciding who to elect last year, we wish to extend our sincere vote of thanks to Deputy President Rigathi Gachagua, for sticking to the carefully designed script and smiling with King Charles and Queen Camilla even though his past speeches have shown an inner desire to do bad things to children of dynasty who took Mau Mau land and gave them to exotic animals.
While the Mau Mau war veterans and their militant offspring might feel betrayed by the failure of their favourite advocate to tell the King his mind when they finally exchanged hands in Mombasa on Thursday, the hustler government wishes to remind them that handshakes come in different forms. We’re now entering the era where everyone in the hustler government is fighting for political survival and whatever campaign promise we may have made to hustlers last year has been put on ice until the UDA party finishes with cleaning house in the December party elections.
For that reason alone, hustlers who have been asking what happened to the promise of replacing children of dynasty with peasant coffee farmers, are advised to stop day dreaming and mind their generational lane. It is written in the Holy Book that thou shall not speak about harbouring ambitions of being a member of the royal family when your clan has no history of ever colonizing even a bag of maize let alone kidnapping school-going children for interrogation on whether they ever saw their fathers licking off blood from the shining blade of a swift machete.
It’s now slightly more than one year since hustlers were bitten by the delusional bug thinking their household problem could be traced back to children of the rich occupying strategic offices responsible for planning for the welfare of those whose lifestyles they only hear in passing. As they have now discovered the truthful way during the royal visit, the person who claims to have hawked live chicken along the chaotic highway running up and down the Kenya-Uganda border, was nowhere near a struggling rural businessman whose route to making money was dependent on prayers.
For those hustlers asking how their God chosen prayerful president could effortlessly blend in with grandchildren of those who tortured their forefathers to death, we hope the royal visit to Kenya removed the aging cobwebs from your eyes.
We particularly wish to address the Nandi Council of wise men who gave impossible conditions to the visiting monarch, asking the King not to step in the country without travelling with the head of their indomitable warrior, Koitalel Arap Samoei.
While we are aware that most of you are okay with touching the bodies of the dead in an act of spiritual connection to the cultural realm, the King was raised in an aristocratic setting that abhors the touching of the dead in a manner that borders on harassment and contamination with chemical preservatives that aren’t fit for human inhalation.
The hustler government wishes to thank everyone who took time off their busy schedule to line up to thank the King for remembering to check up on his subjects he last saw when quinine was still the most preferred treatment for malaria. As the King and Queen return to say sorry to their bodies for subjecting them to adverse El Nino conditions, this trip will forever be engraved in the hearts of sons of Mau Mau who developed jelly knees when they were called upon to put their money where their mouths have always been.
