The hustler government wishes to inform all Kenyans of goodwill that we have received numerous calls asking why our God-chosen president has been preaching that everyone should live within their means while maintaining a personal lifestyle that makes this reality a pipe dream.
The hustler nation can confirm that the president’s lifestyle has neither been a pipe nor a dream, and we hereby explain why.
A pipe, by definition, is a hollow tube, often cylindrical in nature, that is used to pass on liquids like water, oil, gas, or other substances that move in malleable form, from one point to another. For lovers of the smoke, it can also mean the devise for smoking tobacco and other stimulants, consisting of a narrow tube made from wood, clay, or any other locally available material that can withstand fire without conducting heat to burn the user holding it.
A dream, on the other hand, is a series of thoughts, images and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep for which terminates immediately they come back to their senses or arise from sleep, whichever comes first.
When we took over the Hustler Mansion more than one and a half years ago, we made it clear from the beginning that our government will neither be composed of dreamers nor smokers – part of the reason Kenya has been in a mess since independence was because the people you previously elected in office had been those who binged on alcohol, cigarettes and could sleep for more than the recommended nutritional hours leading to lethargy in the public service, poor eating habits at home, and general breakdown in table manners while eating public funds.
Since we brought down the Bible at Kasarani Stadium, we have embarked on a journey to return the country back to the body of Christ by inculcating the fear of the Lord in every corner of our republic. Civil servants now begin boardroom meetings with a word of prayer before embarking to allocate inflated government tenders to their companies. We would like to challenge all government shareholders – who have been wondering why it has been taking long for their share of government largesse – to try God with prayers every morning before they leave the house and at night before they retire to bed, and see what the Lord can do. No government shareholder who worships God with all their hearts should be sleeping hungry, unless they worship God during the day and consult other gods under the cover of darkness.
The Bible says, in the Book of Exodus 20:3-10 that “you must not worship any other gods except me. You must not make any idols. Do not make any statues or pictures of anything up in the sky or of anything on the face of the earth or of anything down in the water. Do not worship or serve idols of any kind, because I, the Lord, am your God. I hate my people worshiping other gods. People who sin against me become my enemies, and I will punish them. And I will punish their children, their grandchildren, and even their great-grandchildren.”
For the past one week, the hustler nation has been bombarded by several complaints from angry Kenyans asking why government shareholders who put their neck on the line for the hustler government were ignored when the final list of those accompanying the president to the US state visit was announced. They argue that they were promised that this government was going to be run by Mama Mboga and mtu wa chini.
We would love to remind them of the Bible quote above, and ask them to examine who they have been worshipping lately.
Check around your house whose portrait do you have on your walls? What about at your jua kali shed where you work? Is the same person whose portrait on your wall the same person whom you go to church on Sunday to worship? If your answer is no, then you now know why you were not on the flight manifest for the Hustler Jet that went for the US state visit last week.
On behalf of the hustler government, who was elected by God, we would like to remind all Kenyan hustlers that beginning this coming week, we will be expecting them to worship one God and one God only, if they still intend to benefit from the goodies that come with being a government shareholder.
Hanging a picture of the one and only God on your office wall comes with a litany of exclusive privileges, including visiting Tyler Perry studios, having a once-in-a-lifetime dinner at the White House after being treated to a 21 gun salute. This is the heaven all hustlers were promised in the Bible.
The Bible says, that faith, without action, is dead; and this is why we will not tire to remind all our supporters that having faith in our hustler president to share out government largesse might not be a bad idea since he knows all of you by name, but the only surety of being among the chosen few is by involving yourself in sharing the gospel of Kenya Kwanza as it was narrated in the Book of The Plan from Genesis to Revelation.
In short, if we wake you up to ask you a question about our plan for the energy sector and you start stammering incoherently, we shall have taken that to mean you have been cheating on our party with another one, and this would mean total disqualification from enjoying the fruits we jealously fought for during the last elections.
It is our sincere belief that this message has reached its intended audience and your questions answered to its logical conclusion. Those asking why we are raising taxes again in order to sponsor another multimillion shillings trip for joyriders, are advised to pay taxes first and ask questions later, because, as the government spokesperson told you earlier this week; we will find you and exorcise the devil that has been misleading you into those evil thoughts.
