Women under 25 also tend to be impulsive and emotionally unstable because their prefrontal cortex, the rational brain, is still developing.
Dear Zulu,
Whenever I tell my husband that I am not feeling well or I’m not in the mood for sex, he becomes very angry. He then refuses to provide for me and even stops eating the food I cook. What should I do?
First, sex is not a debt payment. You don’t 'give it' to your husband as a trade-off for providing. It is not even a tax for him being the husband. That's the wrong context for intimacy. It is supposed to be for mutual enjoyment and an expression of love. The moment it is reduced to a power game or transaction, the essence is lost, and resentment will build.
Secondly, getting married doesn't equal permanent consent. You’re still an individual with autonomy even after marriage. You deserve the dignity and respect for your body and your boundaries, even in marriage. You're not an object, and you cannot always be in the mood for intimacy. Illnesses like what you are experiencing now, fatigue, or just being generally indisposed, are real human experiences.
For someone to withhold financial provision as punishment for your sexual unavailability is abuse. It is objectifying and condescending. It is coercion and control, in the plainest terms. Boycotting your food is also a symbolic message of, 'You deny me, I deny you.' It is not about appetite but about assertion of control.
Marriage is built on reconciliation, not retaliation. There is an underlying script in your marriage about male entitlement to sex. There is a narrative in our culture that says a man is entitled to sex any time he wants it as part of his authority over the home. This is not love but servitude and suppression. Even when the wife has legitimate reasons for being unavailable, these men interpret it as disrespect. There's no empathy or consideration. Such a marriage is not sustainable because it reduces the woman to a sex slave.
If a woman cannot communicate that she is unwell without punishment, there is a big problem. If a person cares about you and you tell them you're unwell, their first response should be sympathy and trying to ease your discomfort. If they storm away angrily instead, you don't have a lover. You have a master. When a woman feels threatened or economically punished, she can never feel free enough to desire her husband. He ends up sabotaging the very intimacy he desires.
The right solution is negotiation. Married people have an express commitment to meet each other's needs. But since we live in an imperfect world with disruptions and uncontrollable situations, we cannot always be available to our partners. There will be a need to communicate and be patient. Negotiation is not rejection, and every No is not personal.
First, ask yourself if this marriage is built on companionship or control. If you started making your own money, what would he use to retaliate? Are you held together by love and care for each other, or a barter trade of needs? Make no mistake about it – you can never find peace in a union founded on suppression.
Does your husband provide because he wants to provide for his family, or does he only give as a tool to sustain dependency? You should call for a meeting and table these issues plainly. Also, be prepared to lose this marriage if he is unwilling to change the terms of engagement from coercion to connection. Someone must respect you to treat you with care and compassion. If they despise you, they'll react with contempt. That's not a space you want to be any longer.
Intimacy, not intimidation
Make it clear that you want intimacy and not intimidation. Invite him to build a culture of communication and connection outside of the bedroom. Start doing dates and we-time to bond and build depth. Let him understand that you want to build a fulfilling marriage for both of you. You should engage a marriage counsellor if your husband is willing, and seek medical attention if the problem persists.
There is hope for this marriage,but only if he wants it as much as you do. It takes two to tango, and you must never force what the other person treats as disposable. Human psychology is designed so that people protect only what they fear losing. You should offer to rework the union only if he joins you. If he doesn't, you have no option but to leave.
The paradox of lasting and fulfilling unions is that we only keep what we don't obsess over. Your first priority in life should be your well-being. Not your marriage. Your peace and your happiness. When these come first, you'll also accommodate a marriage that honours your well-being. Never let people think you can't survive without a relationship or marriage, or else they'll give it to you in the worst terms. You should be polite and respectful, but firm and clear. 'We can't go on like this. We need to change our terms of engagement, or else this is not sustainable.'
All the best!
Mr Zulu is a counselling psychologist and coach.
Email: [email protected]
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