“You think you’re better than me”: War of egos in modern marriages

Helen* has had a taste of both worlds, having been married twice, once to a highly intelligent man and later to a man who was less educated than she is. When she met her first husband, she was only 20 years old and was working as a secretary.

“I met him through work. He was educated, intelligent, and seemed caring. He had a degree in political science and economics, and a diploma in agricultural engineering. He also had a postgraduate diploma in sales and marketing. I had just finished college,” the 49-year-old tells Nation Lifestyle.

Their courtship was brief, less than a year. Helen, then 20 and still a virgin, was vulnerable.

“At first, we would talk, go out, and slowly, I started visiting him at his house. I did not see any red flags at the time. Then one day he raped me. After the incident, I did not fight back because the way I was brought up, virginity was sacred. I thought, now that he’s taken that from me, who else would accept me?”

“I married him out of shame,” she adds.

She then got a job before he did and juggled house chores, motherhood, and work. Instead of support, she was met with hostility.

“If I were late from work, he would scold me or even try to beat me. In public, he embarrassed me. If I said something wrong, even something as small as misnaming a song, he would say, ‘I thought you were intelligent.’”

She went back to school, this time to study counseling psychology. That is when things got worse. He abandoned her.

“He left for two and a half years. Then came back and said, ‘I see you’re doing well without me.’ When he came back, I forgave him and we went back to living together but soon after, his many girlfriends started calling me, insulting and body shaming me. I realised he had been talking about me to them. When I confronted him, he said I had become arrogant because of my education. That I thought I was better than him. It crushed my self-esteem.”

12 years

Eventually, Helen walked out of the 12-year marriage for good.  “He was always with other women. The last one was less educated than me, but he would say she was better. It was constant emotional abuse.”

Looking back, Helen says she never entered the relationship thinking education or class differences would matter.

“I never saw him as more educated. I valued character.”

Two years after separating from her first husband, Helen met someone very different.

“He wasn’t educated like my ex. In fact, he had not gone beyond high school. When we met, I noticed he was not well schooled because we even had challenges communicating in English.”

He would often speak in Swahili while I was used to communicating in English. He had risen in the ranks as a sales representative at a company because of his experience. At first, things were good between us, but he started insulting me. He would tell me that I was nothing and that I could not do anything. A family friend wanted to help me secure a scholarship to pursue my degree, but when I discussed it with him, he refused. He said, ‘You’re not even supposed to be going out to work. I can provide for you. You do not even need that education. Men are always above women. You cannot be above me. So I didn’t take the scholarship,” the mother of six says. 

Helen stayed in the marriage for 10 years until she decided to leave. “I just realised my self-esteem was low to a point where I could not converse even in English. I could not do the things I liked doing. I could not read or write anything. I could not hold conversations with people anymore.”

Despite the broken marriages, Helen remains hopeful that she will find a genuine partner someday.  “What matters is the person’s character. I have seen my friends who are married to people who are less educated, but they have grown in their marriage.”

For James, his marriage was arranged by his mother when he was still looking for a job. His mum set up a meeting with the prospective woman, and the three of them sat as they enjoyed a meal. Shortly afterwards, his mum excused herself and left the two alone.

“At the beginning, I had so little to say but with time we started speaking about life,” James begins. He says he was not interested in the woman at all. She is a nurse based in Kaptembwa, Nakuru County.

“Leave alone the accent. She grew up in rural Nakuru. The kind of meals she was ordering when we went to restaurants was just baffling.

“One day, she invited me to Nakuru and even sent me money for bus fare. She told me that she understood I was still searching for a job,” he says.

It took James two weeks to think about the idea and when he finally gave in, he hired a car and left for Nakuru.

“When I got there, I felt like jumping into the car and driving back to Nairobi. The woman was wearing high-heeled shoes with white socks. Her dress was too long, and on her head was an old fascinator hat,” he tells Nation Lifestyle.

James says he pretended that everything was okay as they headed to a hotel in Nakuru, where he got even more annoyed.

“As I asked for pizza and a soda, she ordered ugali and kienyeji chicken. I didn’t like how people were looking at us when the food was served,” he said.

However, James married her one year later—a church wedding— and she moved to Nairobi.

“She was very supportive, especially financially, but she wouldn’t change her style, taste of food or even manner of thinking. I couldn’t even go out with her as I felt like my friends were silently talking about her.”

James says he would get agitated during disputes as he was used to intelligent debates and arguments supported by facts.

“I would explain things as if she were a child. It was annoying,” he says. They nearly broke up one day.

“My wife had prepared a meal that I didn’t enjoy. I just lost it and said something about ‘village food’. She packed her bags and went to her cousin’s place.”

It took days of apologies and counseling sessions with their pastor to restore the marriage. He began going home late at night and leaving early in the morning.

“One day I asked myself, how long will this go on? I decided to make changes.”

James started by clearing her whole wardrobe, which was not an easy task as she kept saying how much she loved her dresses and shoes.

“In fact, the ones that she said she loved were the ones I did not even want to see. It was difficult, but they had to go,” he said.

Meet Regina Wambua, married to James Mutinda, a man every woman in the village would chase after. He was a handsome, eloquent man with a six-figure salary.

Their union has been difficult, filled with quiet arguments, hushed comments, and times when Regina wonders if love was worth anything. 

She fell in love with James when she was 19 years old and fresh out of high school. James was a university graduate and a successful software engineer in Nairobi.

James admits that he wasn’t blind to the differences between him and his wife. “Of course I knew there was a gap. I had gone to university, worked abroad briefly, and Regina had just finished high school,” James says. “However, I was also aware of my preferences for a bride. I valued not only what she had studied but also who she was.”

He met Regina at a church fundraiser while in Makueni visiting a friend. He was attracted by her calm demeanour and friendly smile, so he started a discussion with her while she was serving tea and maandazis.

When James introduced Regina to his family, he dismissed the tight smile on his mother’s face and the whispers his sisters made.

The first few months of their marriage were full of happiness. But slowly, things started to fall apart.

Conversations at events with James’ friends centered on subjects she was unable to participate in, such as politics, world economy, and technological advancements.

“I could feel the stares,” Regina said.

I could even hear some of them openly asking what I was doing with James. It was not only James’ friends who criticised her, but also his elder sister.

At one family gathering, the sister said, “Regina does not even have a diploma. She is not fit for my brother!”

Sound superior

She expresses her thoughts with great

Regina was so hurt that she spent the whole day crying and hiding inside her bedroom.

“I felt like a project he had taken on. Like I needed to prove I deserved him,” she adds.

Later on, she decided to upgrade herself. She enrolled for evening classes to study English. Sitting alongside women her mother’s age, some of whom struggled with even basic literacy, was frightening at first, but she pushed on.

Gradually, she became more confident. She began to pay attention to political debates, follow local news, and asked her husband to clarify anything she did not understand. Interestingly, James was also adjusting in his own way.

“I realised I also needed to be patient, explain without sounding superior and to understand that not everything in life is about education,” James says. She now has a better relationship with James’s family.

“When they saw I wasn’t going anywhere and that I was adding value, they warmed up to me,” she said.

Marrying down has its hidden struggles, can it work, especially in this modern era? Dr Jane Wanjao, a counselling psychologist and marriage therapist, acknowledges that marrying outside your social class or to someone of significantly different education or intelligence levels comes with challenges, but it can work.  She says that social class and intellect should not be the key factors to consider when choosing who to marry.

“It should not be about the parents, the money, or even what society thinks. It is about two adults with sound minds who have examined each other and know what they are getting into,” she says.

She warns against underestimating the role of money in marriage.

“Money matters cannot be overlooked in a relationship because the couple needs the money, even for primary needs like food, clothing and shelter. However, love and patience can build a bridge across the class divide. Couples who start with little but stay grounded in unconditional love can thrive. It is not just about romantic love. Friendship is key. You need someone who can support you while you grow together,”  says the CEO of Streams in the Desert Counselling Centre in Nairobi.

Mismatched intelligence

Marriages often get trickier when couples are mismatched intellectually.

“If one partner has a Master’s degree and the other dropped out in primary school, there will be friction. The smarter partner might feel embarrassed in social settings, while the other may feel inadequate or excluded from conversations. Resentment may then grow. Contempt sets in. It gets worse when the less educated partner sees personal development as a waste of money or time,” she explains.

What do you do if you are already married to someone more intelligent than you are or more wealthy, and the friction is already setting in?

Dr Wanjao says, “You can see a marriage and family therapist who can help you through the struggles."

Grace Achoki, a marriage and relationship coach, says that couples should not fear marrying down.

“The key thing is having an understanding and agreement. It is not about whether one grew up in the countryside and the other in the city. We have seen such couples come together and thrive. The most important thing is for the couple to understand each other and remain a team,” she says.

Often, the counsellors say, conflict arises not directly from the couple but from their families. The family of the more affluent partner might look down on the other’s background but if the couple moves as a united front, their friends and families will also begin to respect their union. When you start pointing fingers or comparing your backgrounds, that is when you invite division.

Grace says that someone can be very educated but lack practical intelligence or the ability to apply that knowledge.

“On the other hand, someone might not have gone to school but is gifted in other ways such as creativity, problem-solving, or practical skills. When two people come together, they should consider what strengths each is bringing into this relationship. If both partners feel secure in themselves and in the relationship, then they can move forward and get married. However, if there is insecurity, it is better to take time. Otherwise, issues may explode once the marriage begins,” she says.

Grace adds that one should look out for red flags during the courtship period.

“Does the person respect you? Watch how they treat you. If someone talks down to you, dismisses your opinions, mocks your ideas, or constantly reminds you of your lower status that is a big red flag. Marriage is about partnership, not power play.”

Waithera Anzaya, a marriage counselor based in Nairobi, says that couples in such unions should have patience to allow growth to take place.

“The married men should encourage their wives and empower them. They can start a business for their wives or pay for their higher education studies. Women can also empower themselves by reading books if they can’t afford to go for higher learning. It is not about trying to transform your partner into who you want them to be,” she says. “It is about embracing who they are and helping each other grow.”

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