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A stranger's DMs has destroyed my marriage
I thought we were happy—until an Instagram message revealed what apparently everyone knew but me.
What you need to know:
Fortunately, I found a stable job in late 2023, earning Sh70,000, and we now live together again. However, she hasn’t been able to secure a job she considers "worthy"—rejecting offers that pay Sh18,000 due to long hours. Instead, she spends most of her time on WhatsApp and TikTok and even asked me to lie to my parents about her employment status, which I refuse to do.
I am 26, and I just received a message from a stranger claiming that my husband of three years has been cheating on me. He is 31 and, according to the message, has been unfaithful with a mutual friend since the beginning of our marriage. We had a big garden wedding, and I trusted him completely. I have no physical proof, but the message—sent by a random girl on Instagram—was disturbingly detailed.
I confronted his friends, and they all admitted they “didn’t know how to tell me.” I have never felt pain like this in my life. We have a two-year-old son together, and I don’t know how to process this betrayal. I am devastated and in desperate need of advice. What should I do?
READERS' ADVICE
Confront your husband with evidence of his infidelity, knowing he may lie. He has betrayed your trust, disrespected you, and broken his vows. While it's natural to feel hurt and angry, the choice to stay or leave is yours—prioritise yourself and your child. No excuse justifies his actions; cheating is unacceptable. You deserve better.
FRED LASTBORN JAUSENGE - UAE
Before making any decisions, reflect on your three-year journey in marriage beyond just your son. Were there underlying issues? If your husband has been cheating from the start, it’s possible they were lovers before your marriage, or someone may be trying to sabotage your relationship. While confronting his friends provided some confirmation, hearsay isn’t enough—you need concrete evidence. If you confirm the infidelity, confront your husband and hear his side. If you never suspected anything in three years, either they were extremely discreet or you were blinded by trust. If he confesses and genuinely seeks forgiveness, rebuilding trust is possible but requires time and effort. If you choose to leave, healing from a breakup is challenging but achievable. Consider the realities of single parenting or co-parenting, and seek professional guidance and counselling to navigate this difficult time.
D Mutunga, From the school of life.
EXPERT'S TAKE
Don’t let this experience break your spirit. For those who believe in monogamy, challenges like these are part of the journey. After 23 years of studying the psychology of married individuals, one common mistake I’ve observed is the assumption that love, marriage titles, or even a grand wedding guarantee faithfulness—when in reality, they don’t. There was likely a disconnect between you and your husband. While this doesn’t justify his actions, it’s an important factor to consider. Approach the situation calmly and find out why he sought someone else and whether he has genuine feelings for her. Once you have the facts, you can decide whether to stay or leave on terms that align with your values and well-being. Ask yourself honestly: Are you and your husband friends beyond the institution of marriage? A strong friendship often outlasts love and the marriage certificate. Marriage can sometimes distort the bond you once shared, leading people to seek excitement elsewhere. Ultimately, you should be together because you choose to be, not because of societal expectations or obligation.
Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor
NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA
I’m 28 years old, and I’ve been in a relationship with my 24-year-old partner for six years. We have a child together, and when she got pregnant in 2020, my family helped her join college. However, when I secured a job in late 2021, the financial burden shifted entirely to me.
Struggling with career stagnation, I quit my job in early 2022 and relied on loans to support us while searching for new opportunities. During this time, I battled depression, regretted our situation, and eventually sold household items to move to Nairobi in search of a better life. This decision caused tension between us and contributed to her miscarriage.
Fortunately, I found a stable job in late 2023, earning Sh70,000, and we now live together again. However, she hasn’t been able to secure a job she considers "worthy"—rejecting offers that pay Sh18,000 due to long hours. Instead, she spends most of her time on WhatsApp and TikTok and even asked me to lie to my parents about her employment status, which I refuse to do.
I feel overburdened, handling all household expenses while unable to save for emergencies, land, or future investments. My job is a contract renewed annually, and I constantly worry about what would happen if I lost it. I want my partner to contribute financially, even if just to cover her personal expenses, but I don’t know how to make her see the urgency of the situation.
How can I encourage her to take responsibility and ease this burden? How do I get out of this situation?
Are you facing a dilemma? To seek help or give advice, write to: [email protected]
