My boyfriend of four years disapproves of my clubbing. I'm 25, he's 28, and having just started working, I occasionally enjoy nights out with friends, though I'm generally a homebody. The first time I planned a club night, he turned cold and hostile, sending multiple messages throughout the evening insisting I should be home. This pattern continues.
Recently, I stayed out until 4.30 am celebrating my best friend's birthday. When men offer to buy drinks for our group, I accept and politely thank them without further interaction. However, my boyfriend considers accepting drinks a form of cheating. He prefers staying in. With the holidays, I'm torn between completely giving up clubbing to preserve our relationship or finding middle ground. I'd appreciate hearing from couples who've navigated similar situations.
I don't know if your boyfriend was against partying before or if this is a recent development. From your narration, he seems insecure or jealous of you going out with other people. Why can't you go out together? It’s also risky to accept drinks from male friends, as this could one day lead to something else. You have to choose between partying and your relationship.
Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Senior Pastor, Mitume P.A.G Church, Kitale
You can't have your cake and eat it. Decide what you want: partying or building your relationship. Whatever outweighs the other will be to your advantage.
A club is specifically designed for romance. Going to a club without your partner is disrespectful and dangerous for your relationship. When you’re in a committed relationship, you shouldn’t engage in activities that might seem unseemly.
Men are naturally protective of their partners and know exactly what other men in the club want. Jealousy isn’t about trust; it’s about nature. Would you want your man going on a business trip to Dubai with his secretary?
If you can’t respect his boundaries, you should leave the relationship. If you can’t stop going to clubs, you need to remain single or find someone comfortable with that lifestyle.
Bottom line: date someone who shares your values. If this is a deal-breaker, save yourself the fights and move on.
Fred Lastborn Jausenge – Dubai, UAE
Traditionally, women are expected to adhere to their partner’s wishes as a sign of love and submissiveness. However, your boyfriend’s behaviour suggests insecurity and an attempt to police you, which could make you feel trapped under the guise of love.
These red flags often masquerade as caring gestures, only to evolve into restrictions that erode your individuality. I advise against surrendering your sense of self for the sake of the relationship.
Since you’re not a party animal, you both need to agree on boundaries for social activities that honour your differences. Granting each other a degree of freedom fosters connection, contrary to the myth that freedom jeopardises relationships.
If you plan to be together long-term, you must acknowledge and respect your individual needs for enjoyment. Becoming a homebody to appease him may lead to resentment, which could ultimately extinguish your affection for him. Stand firm on your values, as sacrificing them could result in an unharmonious future.
Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor
I met my girlfriend at 19. She’s four years older than me. Six years later, at 25, we got married. She was my only girlfriend. Now, I’m 27, and she’s 31. I don’t know what to do. She was my best friend. I trust her, and I know we could have a good life together. But I’m bored. Over the years, we’ve grown a lot, and she doesn’t have much interest in sex. I feel like I’m young enough to have a second chance at life, but I know I’ll never fully get over her. She shaped me into the person I am today, and I feel like I owe her.
We’ve discussed separating, but we’re deeply attached. She’s religious, I’m not. She doesn’t enjoy sex, and I do. We have different hobbies, but my family loves her. Half the time, I think about leaving everything behind to explore the world. The other half, I feel ashamed and guilty, worrying about the pain I’ll cause, judgement from family, and whether I’ll ever find another relationship like this.
