My friend is addicted to loving his ex-wife. How does he let go?

A friend of mine, a man, married a woman much older than him. She got pregnant, but during delivery, doctors recommended a caesarean section due to complications. She refused to consent until it was too late, and the baby was stillborn. After a year, she requested a divorce, but my friend didn’t want to let go because he still loved her. Eventually, he agreed to the divorce, but he visits her business daily, trying to engage her in conversations she ignores. She later remarried, but my friend continues to support her financially despite her being married to someone else. He feels addicted to loving his ex-wife and doesn’t know how to move on. What advice can you offer him?
Yasin Ahmed aka Shaha, Mandera

READER’S ADVICE

With the limited information given, here is a brief hypothesis and intervention. Given the man's current situation, referring him to a therapist would be beneficial. From the brief story, several factors could explain his predicament, such as a possible maternal need reflected in his marriage to an older woman. The loss of their child strained the marriage leading to her departure. His attachment traits seem to have been exacerbated by this loss, causing significant psychological disturbance. As a defense mechanism, he might have entered a state of denial, creating a delusional reality where, as long as he remains available to his ex-wife, she hasn’t truly left and will eventually return. In terms of interventions, it would be crucial to help him identify his core difficulties, possibly stemming from childhood trauma. Utilising psychodynamic therapy, we would explore any potential maternal neglect or lack thereof. This approach could unveil core beliefs formed during his upbringing, providing insights into his current thought processes. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) would be employed to challenge irrational beliefs and thoughts, fostering a healthy belief system. For instance, examining his locus of evaluation and working together to internalise his motivations and sense of worth would diminish his need for external validation. Moreover, using Motivational Interviewing (MI), we would collaborate to achieve his goals, enhancing his efficacy, accepting him as he is, and emphasising his responsibility for change.
Travy Mbuthia, Accounting Administrator and Addiction Counsellor at Hopeful Minds

You, sir, are a busybody. A busybody is somebody who is often dissatisfied with the level of drama in their own life and gains satisfaction by becoming overly involved in other people's problems. A busybody's attempted advice is usually unwelcome and uninvited. In this scenario, you are the one who needs advice, and the advice is: “Keep off” from that man and let him continue with his fixations. You are getting too entangled in this issue.

Drive Counselling Centre - Nakuru

The reason for her asking for a divorce after losing their baby was enough for him to know his time with her was up. They lost their baby due to her failure to consent to the CS, but who knows? Advise him to move on and leave other people's wives alone, as it’s a risky business sending his ex-wife money. Remind him there are many fish in the sea.

W. Kagochi Kuira, Counsellor, Nyeri

EXPERT’S TAKE

I have read your story and understand your frustration as a friend to the man in question. That said, apart from being supportive, there is really nothing you can do to stop him from loving her despite his experiences with her. The variables of life are not governed by a straight line. Where you see mistreatment, your friend sees his need to do better—whatever that looks like. Hence why he continues to be part of her life, even though they both have different partners.

Only he can will himself out of this web of attraction. I urge you to let him be. It is not for us to determine who he wants to pay attention to. If anything, digging into his relationships may doom your friendship if you persist on this trajectory of scrutinising him and his choices. He needs to be the one seeking help. Unless he wants guidance, we are mere bystanders on the periphery. For now, be a friend who is less in his business. The day he chooses a different path and attitude towards his ex, I am sure you will be the first person to know.

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

My husband and his male family members don’t help out their women during the holidays when we gather. The women cook, fetch water and firewood, feed the cattle, gather food, and look after the children while the men just lounge around and eat. They watch TV, listen to music, and drink beer all day. I have been in the family for the last two years, and I am always so exhausted that I don’t want to celebrate with their family this year. How do I make the perfect excuse for not going?
Maggie

Are you facing a dilemma? To seek help or give advice, write to: [email protected]