There is a saying that to live is to risk death, and that life kills you, eventually. Nowhere is this truer than in Kenya, where life is about the daily survival of evading arrows from all corners. Take Martha for example who showed up for an interview one afternoon.
“I am sorry, I look a bit dishevelled, but we had an accident, and I did not want to miss this opportunity.” Like a Ninja, Martha had dusted herself, hopped into the next Matatu, and here she was, in time for the interview. As we closed our surprised mouths, she went on to share some pictures from the accident scene. “I might need them later, for the police report.”
I shared here how the year 2022 wanted to kill me, then how I spent 2023 catching my breath. A reader, Davies Naituri, shared with me a list of things that daily try to kill a Kenyan.
Spouses. You had your life all planned out, and then you married this daughter or son of a demon. When they are not cheating on you and bringing you infections, they are forging your signature and robbing you of your life’s savings. Spouses in Kenya are extreme in their cruelty. “While you were dreaming and working on building a relationship, they were awake and scheming.” Davies says, adding, “If you can survive a cruel spouse, you can survive anything else life throws at you.”
He survived, and it seems the second time’s the charm since he has been happily remarried for four years since his divorce. When you survive some marriages, you graduate from being a softie to a full-blown ninja.
Our power and lighting provider. My friend, Fifi, almost had a cardiac arrest when her bill came reading forty-nine thousand, seven hundred and eighty-two and sixty-seven cents to boot.
She does not have seven children or a factory in her house. That bill is higher than the rent and monthly expenses of more than half of Kenyan households. One morning, we were enjoying a rushed breakfast with the children before joining traffic for school drop. We had a blast from the kitchen. I survived choking by divine intervention as we all jumped and screamed in shock. Our fridge guard had blown, thankfully protecting the refrigerator. The power and lighting people were in the area and had touched something. Some of my neighbors were not so lucky as their gadgets got damaged.
KRA. Your start-up can barely breathe, but you apply for a compliance certificate and instead are met with a fine for some complicated computations from way back in 2018bc, amounting to half a million. You have never made that much in your micro business, plus you need a PhD to understand this peculiar fine. Your life is more precious than the mini heart attacks the tax people try to give you, so you forget about the compliance certificate and focus on living.
Traffic cops. I once admired their nobility, keeping law and order on our unruly roads, even when it was raining. Of late, these guys have secured themselves a special table in Hades. They stop you and decide how to deal with you based on their mood. If you are running into a meeting, they sense your urgency. You become roast. They say the tint is illegal. You remind them that your car is private. Your day is thereafter ruined.
Your GenZ children. They call you out on your hypocrisy. They shun marriage, religiosity, and mediocrity. They do not abuse alcohol, but they have some -weird- spiritual rites such as sprinkling salts on doors, adjusting house mirrors to face away from doors, and so forth. You cannot blackmail or bribe them with job offers because they create their own jobs through AI-generated content that confuses us.
Public servants. They will treat you like vermin just because you woke up, showered, and braced the traffic to get to their lackluster offices for service.
Married men. They hear you are divorced and come at you from all corners. They unleash charm and artillery and forget you left a married man for the very same reasons, adultery and other ranges of cruelty. There is an overflow of married men looking to jump into adulterous relationships while the single eligible bachelors look on, scared to walk down the aisle. Some in-laws should be called outlaws. They will cheer on as their child tries to choke the life out of you.
