Christmas is a time for family, joy, and celebration, but for co-parents, it ushers in some unique challenges.
Amid the sparkle of lights and the warmth of holiday cheer, co-parents must navigate emotional complexities to ensure their child feels loved and included in the festive spirit.
Such is the case with VA, a mother of a nine-year-old son. She says before her baby daddy left for the US; he used to stay with him over holidays.
"He would take him to different places for them to bond and would buy what he needed for school before returning him," she says.
For this holiday, VA shares that since her son does not have a US visa, his dad is coming over for some weeks to have some quality time with their son.
However, co-parenting has not been a bed of roses. Several times, VA has been at loggerheads with her ex-partner, especially after he spoils him way too much.
She says, "The dad buys him everything he wants. My son expects the same from me but I cannot do that.”
Another source of conflict is when she wants to spend time with their son during the holidays, but the dad refuses to compromise.
However, she has had no problems with boundaries because he doesn’t spend a lot of time at her home.
"He only picks and drops our son, even though sometimes he (our son) is clingy and wants him to spend over."
Additionally, VA shares that since her ex-partner enjoys drinks, they agreed that he should not drink when he is with their son or take him to drinking joints.
Like many parents who are co-parenting, VA says allowing your child to be with the other parent, especially during the festive season, is not a walk in the park.
"I often battle sadness, loneliness, and the desire to be with him and my relatives, but I swallow the bitter pill and sacrifice for our son."
VA has learnt to undermine or overlook the wishes of her son when it comes to where he wants to spend the holidays.
"I always have a conversation with him. This holiday, we were to celebrate Christmas in Tanzania, but since the dad is coming, he chose to hang out with him. So, we will have to reschedule Tanzania my plans," she says.
For gifts, VA says that they gift their child individually and also jointly, making sure he understands that the joint gift is mummy and daddy.
"We normally have conversations on what to get him so he does not end up feeling like mummy's gift is better than daddy's or vice versa."
When her son is not around, VA takes pampers herself by swimming, taking online courses, going out with friends, and relaxing.
For parents navigating this season while co-parenting, VA advises, "Sit down and talk with your partner and agree on how the co-parenting will be. You can as well plan a date, not to patch things up, but to be there for the child together."
Unlike VA, DC says that since his baby mama is married and has another family, their daughter stays with her grandmothers, either his or hers, when school closes.
However, DC shares that he plans the holiday seasons for their child . "I ensure she visits and spends quality time with both of us. Most importantly, we and prioritise her peace and comfort."
Being the parent who is majorly in their daughter's life, DC says that he often has her over the holidays unless her mother has something planned out.
Sit down and talk with your partner and agree on how the co-parenting will be.
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For seamless co-parenting, DC shares that they each communicate in advance the plans they have made and accommodate one another. "Nonetheless, the most challenging part is managing different family traditions, but we worked around it to ensure our child experiences both cultures," he says.
To DC, their daughter's well-being is at the heart of every discussion or plan they have, so prior to school holidays, they agree on what is best for her.
"We ensure our daughter knows we are on the same page. This way, she feels secure when with either of us."
To maintain consistency and a sense of stability for his daughter, DC shares that they keep the same routine in place across both households and strive to ensure no disruptions in her daily life.
When he is not with his daughter, DC says that he unwinds by engaging in activities that bring him joy, like socialising with his friends or exercising.
Was it easy in the beginning?
"Absolutely not! It took the intervention of different people for us to understand that we are not together, but our child needs a supportive and friendly environment. I remember there were times I was banned from seeing her, but nowadays it's really smooth."
His advice to other parents navigating co-parenting: "Prioritise your child's happiness. Communication is key, so be clear. Be flexible and work together for the sake of your child. Keep boundaries and compromise."
Can you co-parent effectively?
Teresa Watetu, a counsellor and psychologist, says there are four different types of co-parenting. Parallel co-parenting, where there is little or no communication, but you have agreed the child will be dropped at a party at a certain point, and the child will be picked at a certain point. It will be maybe twice a month or every weekend.
"Then we have cooperative co-parenting, where there is a lot of collaboration between the parents. They are both involved in the child's life, even if they are not living together."
We also have uninvolved parenting, where even if the parent picks the child, they do not have any communication, or they are not involved, they are not bothered.
"For example, I could pick my child and take them to my mother's place because it is my turn to pick that child and then go and dump them there."
Lastly, Teresa says, we have conflicted co-parenting that incorporates different styles of co-parenting. None of you seem to agree. "One parent will pick the child and take them to party after party, and then will take the child and take them to church. The child does not even live in one house. Maybe I pick the child, I move them to my boyfriend's house, and then the next time I move them to my mother's house."
When parents have adopted the conflicted co-parenting style, the child can be unstable both mentally, socially, and psychologically.
Ms Watetu says children love predictability, so when they are not sure of what is going to happen the next time they go to that parent, it causes them a lot of anxiety.
On the other hand, the parent also experiences anxiety issues, especially if there is conflict between them.
"There are some parents who you agree you're picking the child on Friday, and you prepare that child, and then the other parent does not show up. And then it really destabilises programs for the other parent."
Another challenge is that the child could be a truant if the co-parenting parents are not in synchrony. Ms Watetu says that children thrive under consistent supervision.
However, when one parent is permissive while the other is authoritative, the child will naturally gravitate toward the permissive parent, who is more likely to indulge them. This dynamic can allow the child to get away with certain behaviours, such as skipping school, claiming they are 'too tired.'
In the case of uninvolved co-parenting, Ms Watetu shares, the child is thrown off balance and they can end up having self-esteem issues.
"For instance, if the mom is uninvolved, the child may keep wondering, 'Why can't I just stay where I was? Maybe my father would create time for me, he would be there for me.'"
Additionally, if the father is doing well financially and indulges every whim of the child, and maybe the mum is not even able to give them food, the child might have an identity crisis.
Ms Watetu says, "They will keep on wondering, what is wrong? Why can't my mother be able to provide? Or why can't our father support us? And most of them would get into drug abuse as a way of coping."
First, they withdraw. Maybe the child would sit with you and tell stories, but they are now giving one-word answers.
Or, they do not want to mingle with their friends and prefer locking themselves in a room or sticking to their phone or the TV.
Secondly, your child is irritable or has developed some anger issues. "Others would become undisciplined, start keeping their rooms very untidy, or spilling over things."
It is important to follow up with your child when they show sudden behaviour change. If need be, professional help can be sought to help the child deal with whatever is bothering them. As a parent, you might be fortunate enough to save the child by responding on time, before they develop trauma triggers that will haunt them for life.
