She refuses to cut links with her former lover; Should I let her go?

Hi,

I am 27 years, and in a long distance relationship. I am aware that my partner is in contact with her ex-lover. We also talk with the ex-lover but I am not sure if this is right. I am seeing this as a real deal breaker, but I love my woman very much. Please advice me?

Hi,

Your question is not quite clear to me. However, I will try and respond the way I understand it. First, you are in a long-distance relationship. Understanding the challenges involved in maintaining a healthy long-distance relationship will help you know how to invest in it, while gaining the skills on how to guard your feelings.

For example, communication is usually a challenge in long distance relationships. Failing to get a suitable time to communicate, going for long periods without communicating and lack of instant feedback can create gaps in the relationship that could easily allow suspicions and assumptions to take root.

Where communication is erratic, partners will struggle to distinguish truth from illusion because it is easy for people to trade in lies. Also, face-to-face communication provides for more intimacy, and provides an environment where issues can be satisfactorily solved.

My question is, do you really know the truth? How did you get the information that your girlfriend is still in touch with her former boyfriend? What evidence do you have?

Second, you are suspecting that your girlfriend is still in contact with her former boyfriend, with whom you happen to be acquaintances. You have to be sure that your source of the information is credible.

If the information came from a third party, make sure the person is not taking advantage of the fact that you are in a long distance relationship.

Now that you are in touch with her former boyfriend, is he the one who broke the news to you? If so, do your investigations extensively and ensure that he is not using the long-distance to spread lies for personal gain. All I am saying is that knowing your source will enable you confront the issue wisely. 

Third, you love this lady dearly, but you don’t know how to confront the issue. You should not let your feelings for her cloud your judgement.

Many have gone down this road and hurt themselves in the end. Loving someone without having a clear strategy on how the two of you will surmount the challenges relating to long distance relationships will render your efforts futile. I encourage you to follow the following tips:

Prioritise each other: 

Don’t take each other for granted. Plan well and manage your time effectively so that you can get a chance to see and engage with each other. Both of you have feelings, fears, anxieties, and concerns that need to be expressed.

Be creative and innovative: 

Long distance relationships require an innovative approach that makes the connection fun. Where technology fails, think of other alternative ways of engagement. Physical visits and other forms of intimacy need to be explored and employed.

Don’t waste time on trivialities: 

There are issues that come up in long-distance relationships that result from gossip and misinformation. You don’t need to overly occupy your precious time with such. Other revelations may require only one party to handle without making a big deal out of it. This ensures that you get to spend quality time together.

Am I too young to get married?

Hello Pastor Kitoto,

I am 27 years old. The society, and particularly my parents, are pushing me to find a woman and move in with her. However, I feel unready. Also, I really fear women. I really want to please my parents, but at the same time I want to be happy.

I am a Catholic and a practicing one for that matter. I want my partner to be of the same faith, but my friends think that this is a trivial requirement since all women are the same. Am I too young to get married? Am I getting late?

Hi

There are three issues here that we need to address. First, how do you relate with your parents who would like to see you get married? Parents always want to be involved in their children’s issues. Whether it is birth, dedication or even marriage of their child, the communal involvement is almost always invoked. 

Our African culture seems to appreciate events such birth, marriage and death as part of the key stages life. Therefore, forgive your parents’ insistence and assure them that you are thinking about it. However, don’t let them push you into making decisions that you will end up regretting. 

Second, it seems you are afraid of approaching ladies for a relationship. Getting into a relationship does not mean it must lead to marriage. Dating enables you to discover many things, including whether the other person is a suitable marriage partner. 

Try and identify the source of your fears. This will help you know how to overcome them. There are many factors that can fuel your fear, including:

Fear of rejection: This could arise from low self-esteem where you think that the other person will manipulate you, so you feel ashamed of expressing your feelings about them. Handling rejection is not alway easy. 

Fear of commitment: Commitment is a big deal in relationships because it calls for responsibility. Am I willing and ready to be responsible?

In addition, lack of trust may make some people fear making commitments. Could your fear be stemming from personal inadequacy or do you just feel that other people don’t measure up?

Third, you are concerned about your age. What are the indicators that one is ready for marriage? I believe that feelings alone are not enough to make one ready for marriage.

Of course, age is important. However, be careful not to make make mistakes as you rush into marriage. Do not let the desire for marriage hasten the dating period. Also, don’t rush into marriage if you still have strong trust issues.

Do not get married if you are not ready to take responsibility.

Personal and collective responsibility in marriage helps in managing arising issues, and encourages you to meet each other’s expectations. You should not consider getting married if the person you are dating is not your friend.

Finally, do not get into marriage if you differ with your prospective wife on core areas or values. It appears, for example, that your religious beliefs are important to you. Therefore, since you are already 27, evaluate all these issues and determine the direction to take. Remember that two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement.

She has refused to leave my house

Hi Kitoto,
I don’t love this lady, and we have lived together for two years. The issue is that she has refused to leave my house. Please advise.

Hi

What is bothering me right now is that you decided to live with someone you don’t love for two years. I am of the opinion that there is more to your story than you have told me.

That said, a friend was telling me of a cousin who found themselves in a marriage with someone they did not love. The truth of the matter was, as a single parent, this man ended up sleeping with and marrying that lady who took care of his baby at home.

His reason for keeping her in his house was that the baby had grown fond of her. A few years down the line, the little baby was no longer little and went off to school.

Similarly, a person who has been hurt deeply in a previous relationship, or one who feels lonely after a previous and difficult separation could easily all for someone they do not love. 

After a series of disappointments, it is normal to meet someone who gives us what we lacked in the past. After a few months of dating, the romance sweeps us off our feet and onto the bed. Ten months down the line, a baby comes into the picture and reality dawns on you. “Why did I marry?”

Soon we discover that what we thought was love ended up being a relationship of convenience.

Two years of living together is not a short period. You need to ask yourself several questions: What brought the two of you together? What made you start to drift apart? Are there things she has done or things you have discovered along the way that make you feel the way you do?

These are all pertinent questions that you need to answer if you are to be successful in future. I hope you were not forced or manipulated into a relationship you did not want. Here are some reasons people end up marrying the wrong person:

• Loneliness and desperation 
• Feeling sorry for your partner
• Wanting to please others or to fit in
• Marrying for personal gain other than love
• Forced to marry someone due to one reason or another
• Deception and manipulation by the other party.

I believe the way forward is dependent on the agreement you have. Are you married or casually staying together?

She can’t stick in the relationship and force herself on you if she knows that you don’t love her, and that the relationship is over. I suggest that you revisit your commitments together and decide whether you are right for each other. 

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