My possessive boyfriend keeps using my past mistakes against me 

Hi Pastor Kitoto, 

I have dated this guy for four years. We both sacrificed a lot for our relationship. His promises for our future were so pleasing to hear. He, however, was so possessive that he did not want me to associate with other people, whether male or female. It didn't matter that they were church members, and I gave it all up to make him happy.
 

He was the kind of man that would bring up old, buried mistakes that I had apologised for and received his forgiveness. Any time I would remind him of his earlier mistakes, he would get angry, force me to apologise and make me promise that I would not repeat it.

Recently, we argued, and he said that he would rather remain silent than keep arguing with me, and immediately started digging into the past. So I asked him to remain silent as he had promised. We've not spoken for a fortnight now. 
 

I've not moved on, and I don't know what he is up to. What should I do?

Hi,

In his book, Love and Respect, Dr Emerson Eggerichs argues, "When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband."

This man has conditioned you to a life of guilt so that he can have his say. You should remember that he has set everything to appear like your statements, questioning, and possibly arguing is challenging his position as a man. So the best way is to "put you where you belong." And because you have allowed it for a long time, he feels entitled to keep doing it.

Dr Eggerichs adds that because a man focuses on his own needs, he overlooks the needs of his partner. That is why being silent on you for those weeks is not a big deal to him.

Your man seems to know which buttons to press because he has learned the art of manipulation and domineering over you. I guess he knows you will always come around and beg your way back into his life. So, even when you argued recently, and he went silent on you, he knew that you would be the first one to go seeking him out. If you do so, he will raise the bar again in seeking to put you under his control.

A time comes when we have to taste a bit of our medicine. Telling him to be quiet is what he wanted to hear so that he can later use it against you.

Walk out if you are unhappy

On being an overly possessive and manipulative man: it is up to you to decide if this is the kind of relationship and man under whom you will thrive. From where I stand, I don't think so.

Since it appears like the two of you are still unmarried, you may need to reconsider what you are seeking for in a relationship. If you are genuinely unhappy, then walk out. Don't make him and yourself miserable by hanging onto a relationship that was never meant to be.

It also appears like he is not easy to correct or apologise to. A person who is always using your past to put you down does not value you for what you bring to the relationship. I pray that you don't let yourself be battered from within by his injurious words and actions, as that could deeply hurt you and lower your self-esteem.

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship that could easily lead to physical abuse with time. It is essential to understand that emotionally abusive people may not show it at first. The verbal abuse you face is making you feel demeaned, belittled and worthless.

My concern is that when you challenge your friend, he could as well escalate his defence mechanism to physical abuse.

I would suggest that you watch out for signs of emotional abuse and seek not to allow such to continue. You have the power not to allow yourself to endure such pain.

Here are some things to think about:

• Do you feel words are used to threaten you?
• Are you feeling insulted continuously and criticised?
• Are there attempts for character assassination and use of patronising language?
• Does he appear overly jealously or possessively and refuses you to mix with family or friends?
• Do you feel like he enjoys humiliating and demeaning you?
• Do you feel trapped by his accusations, demands and desire to control you?
• Do you feel less of a person when he is having a conversation with you?

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She does not get along with my mother or siblings

Hi,

My girlfriend and I have been living together for more than four years now. She came in with a daughter who I have treated as my own. Unfortunately, she doesn’t get along with my younger siblings, who I take care of as my mom is not financially stable enough. I have been thinking of ending the relationship because she doesn’t get along with my mother, either. Kindly advise.

Anonymous

Hi Anonymous, 

I was expecting that by now, you would be considering this woman as married to you rather than a girlfriend. If the two of you are still unclear about where your relationship is headed, then it might be difficult to agree on issues. Remember that two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement. Such an agreement may cover areas like finances, parenting, and family values.

When the two of you know and are comfortable with where the relationship is headed, then it is easier for the children to fit into the plan. If uncertainties still cloud the relationship, disagreement will be common, and particularly where children are involved.

I suspect that she is uneasy about your siblings for several reasons. First, she could be feeling that they are intruders in your relationship. Second, she might be overwhelmed by the duties of taking care of your siblings— and particularly if your relationship is still casual. Third, your siblings may exhibit an unlikely attitude towards your girlfriend in your absence. 

Whatever the case may be, there is a need to approach this issue systematically. Firstly, define the level of commitment there is in the relationship. Secondly, if the two of you are hoping to be in the relationship for the long run, then you should make known your expectations concerning the children.

Listen to each other’s fears without being judgmental. Taking up parental roles for three children suddenly does not come easily, as the responsibilities go beyond feeding them. Find out if she is emotionally ready to take up the roles and ways through which you can help make her task manageable. 

Finally, your reaction to your girlfriend’s treatment of your siblings could be triggering the misunderstanding. 
I may not blame your mother for how she feels. After all, it is her daughter, who is being mistreated. On the other hand, you should find out if your mother is involved in a way that could be hurting your girlfriend. Your girlfriend might as well be hoping that your mother should support you financially in raising your siblings.

The point I am trying to put across is that there are many uncertainties as to why there is friction between you and your girlfriend. Hence, to come to an amicable solution, it will require both of you to have a sit-down to establish what is ailing your relationship.

It will also be helpful to find out if your mother would be comfortable raising your sibling if you supported her financially. Finally, remember to be open-minded as you seek solutions together.

Here are four things to address when marrying someone with their children or who is taking care of siblings:

1. Will you have a problem settling down with me and the children with whom I come? How your spouse-to-be feels about the children under your care is crucial to know. It could be a deal-breaker. You have to keep in mind the thought that some people don’t like kids.

2. How will being a step-parent change our married life? If the disruption your spouse’s children will bring is more than you can bear, then it is better to not rush into a commitment. This is good for the sake of your spouse and the children. If rushed, even the little good that you had with your spouse could end up in shambles.

3. Will I be able to handle the responsibility that comes with this? Some people find it hard to take on such a responsibility as soon as they get into a relationship. The issue could be that they feel like the house is already crowded and responsibilities multiplied.

4. Set boundaries and put in place new family traditions. Adopting into another family is not easy. For example, do you like those children you found? Do they like you and enjoy being around you? Maybe they see you as an intruder and will make life difficult for you. Setting family values and expectations is critical.

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