I feel trapped in this sexless marriage

Hi

My wife is loving and caring but she doesn’t satisfy me sexually. She never initiates sex and when I do, it is akin to declaring war. In fact, when we have sex, it is more like a Spartan sword fight. She never makes me feel wanted or needed.

When we go to bed, she dumps herself on the bed like a potato sack and dozes off immediately.

The few times we manage to get it on, she is often distracted and keeps asking me if I am done. Sometimes she says in the most unromantic, savage way "Peter, can you just pull out and masturbate?"

Of course, this kills the mood instantly and I let her be, resigning to my sad fate.

The best way I can describe our situation is relief sex...just like the relief rainfall that is sporadic and dishearteningly unreliable. My wife never makes sex a priority, she would rather spend five hours before sleep watching Netflix. Then when she eventually comes to bed, she summons her headache demons.

Oh, don’t get me started on the false promises. Sometimes she assures me we will have sex tomorrow but it happens eight days later. I might as well be sharing the bed with a log of wood.

The sad part is, she is fully aware of my frustrations. However, every time I bring it up she prefers avoidance, deflection, denial and blame rather than solve the real issue. She knows I am feeling neglected and unloved, but she does not seem to care.

I try to be a loving husband and a good dad. I cook, clean and take care of her needs. I have suggested we go for counselling or medical help but she doesn’t like this. I don’t see things changing any time soon.

Apart from the dead sex life, my wife is a wonderful woman. She loves me, cooks and respects me. She offers platonic love but I am in need of real intimacy. I don’t want her to change, I just want her attitude to change.

I feel sexually frustrated and utterly bored every damn night. I feel devoid of attachment to her. I am energetic and can do marathon sex, but the field does not look so good for the marathon. It seems full of thorns for unknown reasons. There is no passion, and I feel like I hit a dead end. Pastor, how long will I continue to suffer?

Hi

Whereas love is a choice for a spouse to remain committed to their partner, elements like intimacy, tenderness, and delight in each other’s company must be cultivated daily in the relationship. While some look at love as a mere emotion that makes those in love feel excited, have butterflies in their stomachs, make their hearts beat fast and cause sweating in the palms of the hand, marriage proves that, as much as this is true, some work must be done to make this possible. Consequently, sex cannot be the only measure of our love and affection for each other.

True relating calls for the cultivation of elements such as how safe a relationship is, what interests or hobbies we share, and what level of adventure is allowed in the relationship.

That is why love involves patience and kindness, and it is not selfish. When we take offense, it results in resentment which will kill trust and hope in the relationship. You appear to be giving up because somehow you believe things are getting worse instead of better.

Sex does not function like an automated machine. The act of sex is a beautiful consumption of a well-nurtured relationship. It arises from a healthy and strong relationship where we show care and compassion towards each other. Your use of words is both comical but in a way sarcastically judgmental of your wife’s response towards your sexual needs.

In relationships, everything boils down to how we treat each other. Their judgment of us is based on how we relate daily. In fact, what we do and how we do it depends on what we know about our partner and their view of us. As a result, every marriage should aim at a genuine, un-coerced and fulfilling sexual experience.

Anything apart from that could end up being something that is far from healthy for one or both partners. Even where lubricants are used to help our engagement, such sex in a marriage relationship will border on sex being a duty and not part of a marital romance. Duty makes one consent to sex because they are seeking to please their partner or seeking enjoyment at the expense of the other.

Unwilling

It is clear from your narration that your wife appears unwilling and uncooperative when it comes to making the effort to be ready for bed and sex. It is also clear that your wife seems aware to some degree about your feelings. Two things are worth mentioning: First, in one case, there are activities spouses—particularly wives-- engage in order to deflect attention from the advances for sex made by their husbands.

This happens particularly when sex ceases to be a product of a romantic relationship. For example, has sex become unappealing because of how it is handled? It is up to you to investigate.

Second, the duties and cares that wives have to take care of can tire the body to the extent that sex is not one of their priorities at that moment. This is particularly true for wives with young children or who work a job and come back home to do many chores that need to be done before they go to sleep. You may need to evaluate where your marriage falls in these two scenarios.

Can a relationship overcome such challenges and move towards building a romantic and sexually fulfilling marriage? The answer is Yes! First, the two of you can evaluate your marriage and identify issues honestly that could be hindering your desire to have sexually fulfilling sex.

Once done, the two of you will come to a consensus on where the problem lies. If done well, this process ends up being the hardest in the journey to restoring both friendship and romance in your relationship.

The second phase will require a frank and honest discussion of the various pathways to restoring romance. The good thing from your testimony is that she loves and cares about you.

Second, you have suggested another way where the two of you need a seating with a counsellor to help you work through your issues. This is needed when you reach a stalemate of have no idea how to move ahead. Good marriage counsellors will help both of you navigate the issues together.

However, since your wife is unwilling, it may be key to look for ways of showing her the importance of going to a counselling session. Avoid the temptation to force or manipulate her into going. If you do so, it could make things even more complicated.

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