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I wish my cheating wife would just quit this marriage
The cheating partner has to present you as problematic to their lovers to justify their actions
Hello Benjamin
I am a 38-year-old man married to a 34-year-old woman. I suspect she is cheating, and I am wondering why she has chosen to be mean, distant, and manipulative instead of just leaving the relationship and focusing on her new lover. I'm exhausted by her toxic behaviour. Why can't she just leave? She doesn't seem to care about our son; she can go for hours without checking on him at all. Could you help me understand what is going on?
Dear reader,
When people are cheating, they often become mean to the one they're married to. They act rudely to make you stop expecting much from them, which allows them to spend more time with their lovers.
They don't just avoid you, they train you to accept neglect. They use every fight and disagreement to make you feel like you're annoying or too demanding. That way, you start toning down your expectations.
They need you to stop asking questions, needing their attention, or even existing as a spouse.
The goal is to make you a submissive giver. Give them what they want and remain silently in the background. They ensure you're too drained to suspect them, keep track of their prolonged absences, or are too exhausted to raise the issue.
They start uncalled-for fights and say hurtful things that get you triggered and overreacting. They then disappear for hours or even days in the guise of seeking peace. They can shift to another bedroom, pretending to need time to cool off when, in fact, they want to chat with their lovers throughout.
They give alibis and explanations of where they went missing in action. It was a job trip, a friend's party, and they were working overtime. If you try challenging these narratives with evidence, they snap and accuse you of stalking them.
They suddenly become nice if they sense that you're coming close to realising the truth. They throw you emotional crumbs like a dinner date or a gift, accompanied with words like, 'You know I love you. We may go through challenges, but deep within me, you're the one I want.'
If you've been praying for the return of the good times you had at the beginning, you will think you're finally there.
They accuse you of sabotaging the relationship if you don't accept the love bomb. You're the insecure one. You frustrate them when they try to love you. You're the enemy of progress.
This person may not be a full-blown narcissist because they only act this way with you. They may be very normal at work and in their friendships. Cheating alone can change people like that.
Remember also that the cheating partner has to present you as problematic to their lovers to justify their actions. With time, the cheater may begin to accuse you of those things they gossip about you.
They're trying to keep you so busy defending yourself that you won't have time to hold them accountable.
You can never win against these people. They'll exhaust you and drain you to death. It's better to bite the bullet and walk out at once than stay in a psychological prison.
'But what will people say?'
People may talk when you call off the relationship, but they'll also talk if you die there. Sometimes, you have to do what's good for you. You don't have to die of psychosomatic disorders. You don't have to wait until you get evidence of their cheating; you can bring up the discussion and judge from their response. If it's costing you your inner peace, it's not worth it.
Lastly, women generally cheat for different reasons than men.
You see, when a woman cheats, she is emotionally invested. In other words, women will usually stop loving you before they cheat on you. Either she has fallen in love with another man, or she no longer feels the connection with you.
You should have a candid discussion on this matter. Involve a therapist if you must.
Some women may feel like they lack something fundamental and start looking for it elsewhere. This doesn't justify cheating on a person you love, but it does shed some light.
You’re not hard to love. You're trying to love someone who isn't ready to be faithful and committed. Leaving such toxicity is not a loss but a gesture of self-care and love. Staying in pain is not worth it. Do your math!
