My ex-husband raped our daughter

Hi Sir,

I trust you are all well. I need your advice. I am a born again mother of four. In June 2019, I walked out of my marriage of 15 years due to infidelity. My ex-husband raped my daughter. He remarried and doesn’t provide for the children since I have not reported him to the children’s court. Furthermore, and he still has a rape case looming over him. I decided not to pursue the case, though. I resolved to heal and take care of my children. I hope to settle down with someone who will be a good companion and father figure, yet most men I meet are only after sex. What are my options? How do I go about it? 

Hi, 

Thank you for writing and sharing your story. Being a single mother and receiving no support from your husband is demanding and strenuous. Additionally, disentangling yourself from a marriage of 15 years where a father rapes her daughter is heartbreaking.

The trauma in such a situation requires that you take time to deal with your inner wounds, disappointments and regrets and seek healing. Your children, particularly your daughter, will need to heal from that ordeal that she went through. Be sure to be guided by the family’s readiness and the desire not just to find them a home but to find a secure environment where they will feel safe and cared for. Don’t allow outside pressure to distract you from giving them the security and best care they need to grow and flourish. Another father for them is not necessarily the answer.

It would help if you also relooked at your priorities. Healing for you and your children should be at the top of your list as you have both undergone traumatic experiences. Finding a companion and father figure for your children should follow this. The third thing on your list should be finding a stable source of income that will help you provide for your children. I am afraid that you will build your near future on a shaky ground if you do not have clear priorities. 

So, whether you need to look for a man to build a relationship with, it will depend on how your healing and the stability of your current environment. And as I said earlier, the future ahead is more than finding a man to love you and a father to your children. Take time and consider these things before you make a decision.

I love her but she ignores me

I am in love with a woman I met in college. We are also neighbours back at home. I’m worried that she always ignores me. When I tell her I am in love with her, she walks away. Or refuses to talk to me. I’ve faithfully pursued her and constantly check up on her, but she ignores me. I love her, and I see a future with her. I can’t let her go. Help me; I’m desperate for her love. 

Hello,

Just because you are attracted to someone does not mean a relationship should automatically follow. Attraction should move towards the getting to know each other phase, but you can’t force it. This is where excellent interpersonal skills come into play, coupled with emotional intelligence. It would help if you worked on these qualities.

Are you sure that the girl is not reacting to the undue pressure to be in a relationship with you? Maybe she wants you to take it slow and get to know you before you declare that you love her. I encourage you to go slow and start as casual friends. After that, identify and interrogate what triggers the feelings you have for her.

In addition, look carefully at why she decides to walk away from you. Is it the way you speak to her? Do actions that accompany your talk repel her? This is the only way you can become the man she may be seeking. If not, she may be liking you for a casual friend and not as an intimate friend. Avoid assumptions, wrong impressions that could mislead you.

Second, seek to build a non-threatening relational environment where you practice honest and open dialogue with each other.

Third, know when to call it quits. Staying longer than you need to will only hurt your emotions. 

I hope that those who engage in relationships put the kind of effort needed in understanding your partner’s fears and unspoken needs. Don’t build castles in the air. In your game plan, consider questions like, “Why would she appear not to have the same feelings for you as you do for her?” These may look simple, but it could help reveal the faulty lines or assumptions in your desire to date her.

Great relationships are not built in a hurry. Relationships are about how much time we put aside to seek connection and be at it. The excitement of the first attraction is not all there is to building a thriving relationship. Relating intelligently goes beyond excitement and feeling good about her to learning more about her so that you can relate better.

Achieving lasting chemistry in a relationship has everything to do with embracing emotional intelligence. Like I said earlier, “Why does she walk away?” As much as it takes two to tangle, two people need agreement if they will walk harmoniously together.

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