My wife is pushing me towards other women

Hi,

I’m 24 years old and have been dating a 25-year-old woman for a year yet it is only recently that I discovered she has a three-year-old child.

She now wants to get married to me. I’m not ready to get married and I don’t know if I’m ready to accept her child.

I told her this but she still wants to be with me. She had said she would leave if I found another partner but when I told her that I had found someone, she pretended to be pregnant. What will I do because I don’t want to waste anyone’s time?

Hello,

There seems to be some serious confusion in your relationship. It appears that your girlfriend is manipulative, demanding and unreliable. This is clear particularly when she pretends to be pregnant so that she can keep you around. It looks like she will go to any lengths to keep you in the relationship.

I find it curious that you have dated for a year but have only just discovered that she has a child. I suggest that you work on your foundation; the things that draw you together, your dream marriage, and when you intend to marry. Try and see if this fits into what your girlfriend believes in.

If I were you, I would be hesitant to be intimately involved, and instead work at making my values, dream and desires known. Right now, it looks like she knows that because you are intimate, she can trick you with a pregnancy.

Sit her down and have a talk. If you have decided to end the relationship, then you must tell her that and give her genuine reasons for your decision. Don’t waste each other’s time. Finally, do remember that it is also not fair to waste another woman’s time experimenting. Try and discover what you want before you get serious. Be focused and principled in what you want in life.

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Hello,

I’ve been married for 12 years and have two children. I think my wife and I love each other. However, I constantly find myself looking for extra-marital relationships because our temperaments are very different. I’m easy going, slow to anger and like making jokes while my wife is very serious, gets annoyed easily and hates jokes. We have talked about this ever since we got married but things have not changed. This makes me uneasy at home.

For this reason, I look for women with whom I can speak freely, and so far I have had two relationships, each of which lasted two years. When I don’t have a steady girlfriend, like now, I find myself misbehaving by dating a different woman every week.

This life is very expensive and risky and I would want to stick to my wife. I think I am very selfish, but where do I get the power to control myself? Or should I just live life as it comes? I’m very weak in this area.

Hi,
It can hurt very badly when you know what to do but end up doing the opposite. First of all, the fact that you and your wife have different personalities is not a bad thing because God created us to be unique. It is this uniqueness that we tend to be attracted to when we are dating. However, what we are attracted to could end up being what tears us apart later. Your challenge will be to find ways of acknowledging, understanding and loving her personality type.

Spouses who look for ways to support each other and enhance their marriage by appreciating the uniqueness of their partner will most likely succeed in their walk together. Fighting or ignoring the things that drive the other person crazy will only increase friction. Therefore, it’s important to identify the good and bad motivators that affect your relationship.

You have said that you want to remain faithful to your wife but find yourself back in the same cycle of unfaithfulness again and again. You don’t have to fall back into this pattern. I would suggest that you look at the following questions so as to come up with a way forward: What attracted you to each other? What seems to have changed? What do you agree on easily? When things are working well, what are your areas of concentration? Are there sacrifices you need to make so that things can be better?

Find a mentor or counselor to talk to, preferably one who will walk with you in building new habits. A good place to start is sitting with your church pastor. It is good that you have noted that you are weak and cannot break away on your own. This is the first step to recovery. I wish you all the best in the journey of healing you are about to start.

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Hello Philip,

I’m 24 years old and going back to university in September. I deferred my studies in 2009, while in my third year, to have my child. Although I know I should concentrate on my studies, I long to find a partner. Despite everything, I want to get into a serious relationship and settle down soon. I just don’t know where and how to meet a like-minded person. Would you please help me find a partner?

Irene

Hi Irene,

Very few people have the will to go back to campus after being out for a long time. It is therefore commendable that you are going back to college after having your child. At the same time, going back after this period of pregnancy and caring for your child may require double concentration. First, you need to provide for and care for the child while in college. Second, you need to catch up with your studies for your future career. The responsibility ahead will require that you tread with care.

I’m not sure how long your studies are supposed to take but my assumption is that you will need to invest a good chunk of time and effort. It is good that you acknowledge that you need to concentrate on your studies; your goals must be hinged on this. As I mentioned earlier, returning to college after a long time without studying means that you will have to work extra hard if you are to make it to graduation, which, by the way, is not very far away.

Thereafter, you will need to look for employment. If your parents are going to pay your school fees, don’t expect them to care for you even after college. You need to begin to plan for your child’s future through your present actions.

Although good places to meet a potential future partner are plentiful, I’m of the opinion that you need to give priority to what really counts. I’m sorry to disappoint you by saying that it is too early for you to get into another relationship. However, the story will be different in three to four years’ time. Don’t make choices that will jeopardise your career for the next few years. Right now, your career and child are the two most precious things. Don’t lose focus.

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Hi Phillip,

I’m 29 years old and have been in a relationship with a 25-year-old man for five months. Everything was okay until my boyfriend found a male friend in my house one afternoon, leading to our breakup. (There was no romantic relationship between me and this friend.)

I had also lied to him about a text that he had received. I have since apologised to my boyfriend. He says he has forgiven me but he never replies my text messages and when I call him he says he is very busy. I want him back because I love him very much.

Please advise me on how to win him back. Time is not on my side because he is leaving for college in September.

Samantha

Hi,
Trust is usually very fragile. Once someone feels that the trust they had in someone else has been broken, it is really hard to rebuild it. The scenario your boyfriend found at your house does not need to be a lie for him to turn back because there is no way you can prove to him that you are telling the truth. This is where faith in the other person is key. Faith leads to reconciliation and rebuilding of the trust with time.

Men are normally territorial and anyone infringing on their territory could damage the future of a relationship. Your boyfriend feels that you broke his trust by inviting another man to your house. One of the questions he’s probably asking himself is “Who else has she invited to her house?”

You may never have invited anyone else and never will again, but rebuilding that trust will take a lot of work on your part. I have discovered that it takes men a long time to trust again because of issues that have to do with pride, ego and the general feeling “What is it that I could not do for her?” As a result, women often find it easier to forgive and give their partners another chance.

Your relationship can be salvaged if you choose to be truthful and build into your new relationship practices that are consistent with your new confession. The only thing you cannot do is to make him love you again. Let this happen at its own time. As you have stated that you had lied to him about a certain text message, try and clean up your act with the intention of doing better for those who trust you with their lives. Give him time to work through his feelings and then sit and talk and reaffirm your commitment to him.

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Hello,

I want to know how long after birth my wife and I should get intimate. Also, is it okay to have sex when she is pregnant?

Hi,

Although it differs from couple to couple and the mode of delivery, three to six months after delivery may be considered a good period to wait. It is also okay to have sex during pregnancy, probably up until the eight month.

I would recommend that you keep talking to your wife as the pregnancy progresses. A lot will change in your sex life as the baby grows. Please speak to a doctor, or accompany her during one of the antenatal checkups and speak to a health professional about sex during the pregnancy so that both of you are on the same page throughout the pregnancy and beyond.
All the best.

Thank you very much for the wonderful and eye-opening job you have been doing. I am moved and sympathise with what is happening in our homes. I was wondering if I could have Phillip’s email address as there are things I would like to share with him but wouldn’t want published.

Ann

Hi Ann
Thank you for the compliments. We always strive to be a voice of reason so that we can help rebuild the family unit. I am always reminded that we all need some help in one way or another to make this marriage a better place to be. Please send you email to the address given. It is the best way I can communicate with you. Your issues will remain confidential if requested.