In early childhood, both parents can take part in what he describes as personal grooming but as children reach puberty, things begin to change.
It often begins with something small. A child who once laughed through bath time suddenly turns away, covers themselves, or insists, “I can do it.” For some parents, this moment raises questions. Is there an age when fathers or mothers should stop bathing daughters or sons? Or is it simply a matter of family values and beliefs?
Brian Akello, 33, a father of two girls ages nine and six, says he still bathes his children. To him, it is not a big deal. “At times, I let the mother assist in bathing the elder one, but I still enjoy those little conversations in the bathroom with them, especially the younger one.”
Gladys Midecha, 37, a mother to a 10-year-old son, says she stopped bathing her son at age seven. “He just told me, 'Mum, I can do it myself.” At first, I thought he was being stubborn, but I realised it was his way of telling me he’s grown up.”
She stepped back and found other ways of bonding with him. So, when should parental roles evolve, and how should they change as children grow?
According to Maurice Onyango, a sociology lecturer at Laikipia University, parenting is shared in early childhood, but gradually becomes more defined as children develop.
In early childhood, both parents can take part in what he describes as personal grooming: Bathing, dressing and caring for the child. But as children reach puberty, things begin to change.
“This is the stage where children become more aware of their bodies and more sensitive,” he explains. “Naturally, roles begin to align along gender. Fathers start taking a more active role with boys, while mothers guide girls.”
Older siblings, especially firstborns, step in to help raise younger ones. Grandparents, aunts and uncles were not distant relatives but were active participants in a child’s upbringing.
African societies, Maurice notes, have long held strong taboos around incest not just in action, but even in behaviour.
“It was considered inappropriate, for instance, for a father to be overly close with a grown daughter. If such concerns arose, they were not hidden. A mother would raise the issue within the extended family, prompting discussion and accountability.”
In single-parent settings, a child would be guided by figures who mirrored the missing parent, mostly from the maternal side. And in many communities, once girls reached puberty, they would spend more time with their grandmothers, where conversations about body changes and womanhood happened more openly.
Traditionally, Onyango notes, child-rearing was a collective responsibility. Older siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles all played active roles in raising children.
But urbanisation has weakened that structure.
“Today, many parents are raising children away from extended family support. A mother may now be playing the role of parent, aunt and grandmother while still working. It is a heavy burden,” he says.
In that gap, children often turn to peers, strangers or the internet for guidance, which is not always reliable.
He compares this to Western societies, where families have adapted by hiring experienced nannies. In Kenya, Maurice observes, the system is less structured, and many often employ younger nannies who may lack the life experience needed to guide children beyond basic care.
“The ideal nanny, in my view, should be a woman aged 40 and above,” he says, noting that experience matters not just in feeding or supervision, but in offering moral guidance and emotional support.
Yet culture is not only about rules, but it is also about how children come to understand themselves. In the past, children were prepared for physical changes through early, clear conversations. They were told what to expect and reassured that it was natural.
“There was less body shaming. What we see today is heavily influenced by Western standards of beauty,” he says.
In traditional settings, a well-fed child was seen as a sign of good parenting. Boys were properly educated by their grandfathers or by their elder brothers.
“If a child passed through a stage without proper guidance, it would affect their adult life,” he says.
Within the family, roles were also defined in ways that balanced strength and empathy. Fathers were seen as “task leaders,” teaching endurance, courage and resilience. Mothers were called emotional leaders, training the children on the softer side of life – kindness, empathy, and generosity.
In the traditional setting, men often bathed in rivers, sometimes accompanying their children, but maintaining clear boundaries. Children would bathe first and leave before their parents undressed.
“Even at home, modesty was emphasised. As young as age three, a child should not see a parent’s nakedness,” he cautions. “The reasoning is simple. Children learn by observation. What they see, they internalise. A parent who walks around naked may unintentionally signal that such behaviour is acceptable.”
The same principle applies to their dressing. How a child is dressed and how parents dress around them shapes their understanding of what is appropriate. “If you like dressing your child in mini-skirts, then they will embrace that as fashion.
By around age eight, he says, parents must become more conscious of what children are exposed to, including media, dress and environment.
“If you are heading to the gym in revealing clothes, consider carrying the clothes and putting them on while you're there. And when you are through with the workout, remove it and put on your home clothes,” he adds.
But in modern households, maintaining such boundaries is not always easy. Limited space often means sharing bathrooms and laundry areas, where children's and parents’ clothing, including innerwear, is hung together.
“It may not be inappropriate, but it can make it more difficult for parents to enforce good morals in their children.”
Who, then, decides what is appropriate?
African societies have traditionally leaned toward collectivism, where community expectations guide behaviour. In contrast, Western societies tend toward individualism, where personal preference is considered, compared to what society thinks.
“What is appropriate is defined by society,” he explains. “It also changes over time. But each time, society has a say.”
In the early years, a child’s sexuality can feel like just another responsibility. But child counsellor and general counselling psychologist, Eliud Ngugi, founder of Newness Counselling Organisation, explains that these ordinary moments significantly shape how a child understands privacy, consent and their own body.
Child counsellor and general counselling psychologist Eliud Ngugi.
“There is no specific age when the opposite-sex parent should stop bathing a child,” he says. “The key is to look out for cues from the child. If they can already tell the difference between sex orientation, you need to be cautious. Also, notice when the child is seeking privacy, like closing the door when relieving themselves, or becoming shy when someone looks at them, when they are naked. The child might also start desiring or demanding to bathe alone.”
Ngugi opines that children begin to show what he calls ‘sexual sensitivity’ between the ages of three and seven.
The challenge for parents is to learn to move with the child, rather than attempting to hold them in a stage they have already outgrown.
“Parents should embrace a child’s need for autonomy and privacy. They should recognise when it is time to stop doing things for the child and start guiding them to do those things themselves, first with supervision, then gradually without it.”
It also requires something many families overlook – asking for permission. Even in caregiving tasks, a simple “Can I help you wash your back?” reinforces the idea that the child has a say over their own body.
When this transition is ignored, the effects can linger far beyond childhood.
Dr Ngugi notes that children who grow up without clear boundaries may struggle with personal space later in life. “Either they will be too withdrawn, or overly exposed. In adulthood, they may struggle with self-respect, intimacy and autonomy, or have a distorted sense of self.
“Parents must be consistent in doing, saying and demonstrating patterns that enhance boundaries. They should use clear, consistent language about private parts, knock before entering the child’s room when appropriate, and distinguishing between helping and unnecessary exposure,” he adds.
A child who is not taught boundaries may find it harder to say no, to recognise discomfort, or to understand inappropriate behaviour. On the other hand, strong early boundary-setting is closely linked to better self-esteem, clearer awareness of consent and a reduced likelihood of being taken advantage of.
Even the way parents handle nudity at home plays into this.
In some homes, dressing and undressing in front of others sometimes happens intentionally to help a child grow up without shame and to encourage them to be comfortable in their own body. But this can also send mixed signals.
“It can leave the child confused about whether private parts are really private,” he explains. The safest way is for parents to avoid any form of exposure, especially if their children are of the opposite gender.
Equally important is how parents step back from hands-on care. The transition from bathing a child to letting them bathe themselves should not be framed as something negative or embarrassing, but as a sign of growth. “Don’t embarrass, disrespect or use a negative tone. Be as supportive and understanding as possible,” Ngugi advises.
Ultimately, he says, children are not too young to learn boundaries.
“They may not fully understand today, but they are absorbing everything. And what they absorb shapes how they understand themselves later in life.”
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