The truth about tantrums: When to worry and when to stay calm

Children's tantrums can test the patience of even the calmest parent, but according to parenting coach Anthony Nene, they’re not just about bad behaviour. They’re a crucial part of growing up, and how you handle them can shape the child you raise.

Nene explains that tantrums are not just random bursts of mischief but a way for children to express themselves, even though it’s often in ways adults find unacceptable.

“Tantrums are largely about communication,” he says. “When a child’s speech is still developing, they may not know how to express themselves in words. Out of frustration, they throw tantrums to get attention or to get what they want. For older children, even teenagers, it can be a way of testing boundaries, rebelling, or asserting independence.”

When do tantrums begin

Tantrums can start as early as one year old. 

Nene recalls seeing toddlers scream and kick when denied 'nyonyo' (breast milk). By the time they hit the famous 'terrible twos,' children are discovering themselves and exploring the world, yet their speech is still limited.

They frequently turn to tantrums to get attention if they feel ignored or misunderstood. The good news is that tantrums typically decline as their communication skills improve, particularly when parents establish firm limits.

Nene lists several common triggers of tantrums in children. Sometimes it’s simply about seeking attention, like when a teacher or parent spends more time with other children.

Other times, it’s about independence. “A child may insist on dressing themselves, even when they can’t manage it. If you try to help, they may explode in frustration,” he says. Hunger, tiredness, being told to do something they dislike (like going to bed or cleaning up toys), or being denied a favourite treat, be it sweets or chocolates; they are all classic tantrum sparks.

When to worry

While most tantrums are harmless and part of normal development, some cases should raise concern.

“If a child turns violent, harms themselves, hurts others, or destroys property, that’s a red flag,” Nene warns. Such behaviour may indicate deeper issues that need professional attention.

According to Nene, tantrums are both a normal developmental stage and, in some cases, a sign of poor parenting.

“For toddlers, it’s often the only way they know how to express hunger, tiredness, or discomfort. But if parents give in to demands every time, older children quickly learn that tantrums are a shortcut to getting their way. If boundaries are not respected and there are no consequences, the behaviour will persist.”

One of the most powerful tools for reducing tantrums is language development. “When a child can express themselves and you can reason with them, the need for tantrums lessens,” he advises.

Children with ADHD can present an extra challenge.

“They have high energy, low concentration, and struggle with following instructions,” Nene says. “They may prefer wrestling to reading, which can frustrate parents. Patience is key, and positive reinforcement through rewards and affirmations works better than punishment.”

The 'Terrible Twos'

Contrary to the name, the 'terrible twos' are not confined to age two. The stage can last until around age three.

“At this age, toddlers learn so much so quickly. They can walk, which means you are forever chasing them. They climb, break things, and experiment with everything. They learn to talk, which means they can argue, demand, and say no. They know what they want and they can be stubborn, but they can also go from very angry to very happy in a heartbeat.”

Nene says you can’t fully prepare for the terrible twos because it’s a developmental phase. But you can minimise the chaos.

"Creating routines for sleeping, feeding, bathing, and playing helps reduce drama because the child knows what to expect. Allowing them small choices like picking what to wear can also give them a sense of control."

Additionally, preparing them in advance for activities and setting conditions like putting away toys after play also helps.

Nene points out that culture shapes how tantrums are perceived.

Traditionally, boys were encouraged to be outgoing, wrestle, and assert themselves. “If a boy threw a tantrum at a tender age, it was sometimes seen as a sign of confidence and he’d be protected,” he explains. “Girls, on the other hand, were taught to be quiet and submissive, so tantrums were often frowned upon as a vice.”

Handling tantrums without losing your cool

When it comes to practical strategies, Nene is clear: “Remain calm. If you don’t react to the tantrum, they will eventually calm down, too.”

Consistency is key.

“Keep your promises, whether it’s delivering a treat you promised or sticking to a ‘no’ on sweets. If there’s a consequence for a tantrum, follow through. On the flip side, reward good behaviour when they ask for something politely without resorting to screaming,” he notes.

One trap parents should avoid is inconsistency.

“Children are very manipulative regardless of age. They know which parent is softer. That’s why it’s important for parents to have a united front, agree on what’s a no, what rewards to give, and what consequences apply for broken rules.”

Nene encourages parents to allow their children to express themselves. Continuous discipline or punishment makes a child grow timid or afraid, making it difficult to connect with other children. However, if you raise them with patience, you will grow a self-assured, imaginative, and emotionally resilient child.

Warning signs, tantrums may signal deeper concerns

Tantrums are part and parcel of raising toddlers, but when do they stop being “normal” meltdowns and become something parents should worry about?

According to child psychologist Mercy Wayamba, triggers are often simple: frustration when they can’t communicate, hunger, fatigue, or being told ‘no’.

In these moments, Mercy advises parents to stay calm and keep the child safe. “It helps to remember that tantrums are not a sign of bad parenting. It is a normal part of development.”

Still, not all tantrums can be treated as ordinary. There are times when tantrums may point to underlying issues such as anxiety, developmental delays, or disorders like ADHD or autism.

Mercy points out a few warning signs.

"If a child is having more than five tantrums in a single day, on multiple days within a month, or if the tantrums drag on for more than 25 minutes, that’s unusual," she explains." So is aggression, kicking, biting, scratching or self-harming behaviour."

Tantrums that persist beyond the age of five, or those that occur without an obvious trigger, are also red flags.

Parents should also pay attention if the child cannot calm themselves at all without an adult stepping in. “These are moments when it’s worth seeking professional advice from a child development specialist, psychologist, or therapist,” she says.

Normal tantrums versus tantrums linked to psychological concerns

So how do you tell a regular meltdown apart from one that signals something more serious? Mercy draws a simple line. "A normal tantrum is triggered by an obvious frustration," she explains." "The child cries real tears, screams incoherently, and after two to five minutes, calms down and can often express what they needed. Picking them up or holding them close usually helps."

In contrast, tantrums that last unusually long, happen without a clear cause, or involve aggression and behaviours like hand-flapping, rocking, or head-banging might be linked to psychological concerns.

Interestingly, there is a strong connection between tantrums and language development. “Children with delayed speech tend to have more intense tantrums,” Mercy shares. “They are frustrated because they cannot express what they want. But once language improves, tantrums usually go down.”

For children with ADHD, tantrums can look and feel very different. "They may be more intense, more frequent, and much harder to manage. Such children often have trouble sitting still, sustaining attention, or playing quietly, and tantrums may erupt when routines are disrupted," she notes.

Because of difficulties with self-regulation, these meltdowns can also last longer and sometimes involve physical aggression.

For parents, knowing how to respond is half the battle. “The key is to stay calm,” Mercy says. “Model the behaviour you want to see, because children learn a lot by observing. Create a safe space, validate their feelings, and use gentle communication. A calm voice, a reassuring touch, or guiding them through deep breathing can help.”

Additional support may include behaviour therapy, sensory calming activities such as hydrotherapy, and, in some cases, medical treatment.

The bigger picture, however, is about helping children develop emotional regulation skills for the long term. Mercy suggests simple but powerful strategies. " Acknowledge your child’s feelings instead of dismissing them, offer choices to give them a sense of control, and stick to predictable routines around meals, sleep, and playtime," she says.

Also, praise calm behaviour, and above all, model emotional regulation yourself. “If you stay calm in a difficult situation, your child will eventually learn to do the same,” she adds.

For parents who often feel overwhelmed in the middle of a public meltdown, Mercy offers some reassurance.

“Tantrums are normal. They’re even healthy, because they teach children how to deal with strong feelings. Our job is to remain calm, keep the child safe, and remember that this phase doesn’t last forever.”​