Pastor Kitoto: How has your relationship grown this year?
I have watched many relationships destroyed and overtaken by negativity.
What you need to know:
- Relationships require that we become good students of the emotions of others as we are guided by strong values and good ethics.
- It is important to keep in mind that people and relationships are dynamic and at times complicated. Knowing this could help one spouse keep their head above the murky waters.
As the year comes to a close, it is important to take stock of your relationship. Has it matured in certain areas this year?
One’s opinion in a relationship matters more than seeking to please each other while at the same time remaining with unanswered questions in the mind or just feeling lost. It is important to note that, because we honour the views of others, maturity dictates that we struggle to create a harmonious and understanding environment in the relationship. In addition, listening to each other’s feelings shows the importance of our commitment to feedback.
Understanding the purpose of honesty in a relationship will help shed light on the approach we take while responding to questions asked or insinuated by our partner. This is what helps build comradery, affirmation, and closeness. Value and a sense of belonging can be communicated or demonstrated by giving time to listen and empathise.
Cracks we find in relationships are better healed and a foundation rebuilt where our commitment to keep confidentiality is upheld by the couple. For example, how do you deal with intimate disclosure from your partner or issues you discover about them?
At times it is embarrassing when we make our partner’s weakness in our discussion in forums with friends. Confidentiality is about keeping information on your partner private while seeking to take steps to ensure that, as information is kept secure and protected, a way is found to deal with the emotions surrounding the issue.
Our commitment in response to a cracked foundation must be to repair it. Spreading your partner’s weakness in chat room with friends does not help but slowly begin to paint you as the unfaithful one. Love is meant to cover a multitude of sin.
Embracing a clear relational strategy where respect and honour are upheld is important. Genuine concerns about your partner that require resolving must be handled with wisdom and knowledge.
First is to identify the crucial nature of the concern and whether it is something you can deal with or not. For those issues that we find hard to deal with, talking to another person you consider wiser is advisable but within boundaries of confidentiality.
Second, who to share and seek advice from is key to guarding confidentiality. Committing to find a person of integrity to share with an issue of concern will offer a voice of reason on the issues. The idea behind crucial conversations is to guide feelings and perspectives one has with the desire to finding healing.
I have watched many relationships destroyed and overtaken by negativity particularly when communication ignores the basic values that bring growth and contentment.
Because each spouse has weaknesses, appreciating one another is a powerful relationship builder. Essentially, this is about treating others as you would like yourself to be treated.
Like a good counsellor, each relationship partner should not negate their prime duty of being a good listener, skilled guide who refuses to come across as judgmental, and embracing confidentiality. Relationships require that we become good students of the emotions of others as we are guided by strong values and good ethics.
Clarifying vision of who you want to be and the kind of life you want to lead, is important. Understanding why you came together is key to the success of the marriage and you are trying to accomplish. Dreams can remain mere figments of our imagination unless guided and concretised towards fulfilment.
Sometimes the people we marry could appear strange, particularly seen through the lens of disclosed or discovered weaknesses.
Albert Einstein said," If you want to live a happy life, tie it to the goal, not to people or objects." Trouble starts where a month, a year or so into the marriage, we start to question and regress into disappointments when we fail to see the actualisation of the dream we hoped for.
What we have to remember is that, what we clearly spelt out in a relationship will evoke passion and the desire to make sacrifices towards its achievement. This calls for ownership and responsibility.
Sacrifice must come from the knowledge that I belong and that every effort is worthwhile. Relationships that survive on assumptions with no clarity will lead to disillusionment and fear. Objectivity must start with how you view the weaknesses, strengths and opportunities the relationship presents.
It is important to keep in mind that people and relationships are dynamic and at times complicated. Knowing this could help one spouse keep their head above the murky waters.
The truth is, great and intimate relationships don’t just happen but are built where we give attention to what matters most.
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